We all know facts are boring and, well, factual. We here at the Gasmpire are somewhat boring and, well, factual too.
We are also fairly lazy, so we’ve chosen to compile a list of ten obvious facts, to save us doing the research.
1. Sticking your cock in a blender is no way to spend a Thursday;
2. Consuming alcohol may increases the likelihood of getting drunk;
3. Playing the banjo naked in a blizzard is stupid (may also lead to significant decrease in body temperature);
4. A biscuit covered in faecal matter is no substitute for "the work ethic";
5. Excessive drinking will lead to your urine;
6. Referring to a colleague as a "Roaring Tosspot from Hades with all the charisma of a brick smeared with discharge" is unlikely to get them "on side". However, do it anyway;
7. Making an omelette without breaking an egg does not an omelette make. Unless you like eating eggshells and raw egg, in which case it is fine;
8. If someone has a "case of sour grapes" one should not necessarily be given to understand that their luggage is stuffed with elderly fruit;
9. If it smells like cheese and it looks like cheese, presumably it is cheese (note: not true);
10. If you eat nothing but lemons for 15 years, you will most certainly not turn into a lemon. You may, however, die.
Friday, 7 December 2007
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Ten signs that you are a moron
We've all wondered from time to time (well, not us, but you) whether or not we're morons. If you have had such thoughts you probably are a complete idiot. But to make it easier for yourselves, we have compiled a list of ten signs to look for when trying to figure out if you are a complete idiot or not. Enjoy.
You know you're a moron when:
1. You own one or several Lighthouse Family albums
2. You wear tracksuits outside a gym
3. You search for the Google homepage using Google
4. You have a mullet
5. You placed a £10 bet that England would qualify for Euro 2008
6. Your favourite author is Andy McNab
7. You believe in Jesus
8. You think Sherlock Holmes is still alive
9. You tell people that you “go college, innit?”
10. You cross your i's with a heart ”because it's cute”
Ten signs that you are a moron, part 2
You know you're a moron when:
1. You regularly pray
2. You take a shit in a pub lavatory before checking the availability of toilet paper
3. You have a daughter called Chelsea, Chardonnay or Chantelle
4. You still use Windows 98 ME
5. You consider a trip to Butlin's a great holiday
6. You voted for Labour only to have your 18 year old son mutilated whilst on military duty in Iraq
7. You think watermelon-flavoured Bacardi Breezers are classy
8. People refer to you as “special”, laugh and then push you in a canal
9. You voluntarily live in Walsall
10. You describe yourself as being “bubbly” (Note: not only is this a certain indicator that you are a moron, it is also a sign that you're fat, have few friends and wet yourself when you get drunk)
Friday, 23 November 2007
Ten ways to avoid a recurring infestation of melancholic mink
Well, what do you think this article is about?
1. Surround yourself with pink fluffy marshmallows, for they are the nemesis of the mink;
2. Wash all minkable surfaces in a generous mixture of bleach, diluted despair and 200 litres of industrial anti-mink;
3. Place an announcement on Facemink, Minkspace, BeMink and other mink social networking sites declaring the unavailability and unsuitability of your premises as a place for recurring or even sporadic infestations of mink;
4. Shoot yourself repeatedly with a gun until dead. It won’t avoid a recurring infestation of melancholic mink, but by then you won’t care (note: this advice is fucking brilliant! It applies to almost every problem ever conceived, devised or encountered. Where’s my knighthood?);
5. Surround yourself with Monks, hence using up all available examples of the letters 'm', 'n' and 'k' and leaving none to be occupied by stray disgruntled members of the Mustelidae family;
6. Convert to Christianity and let Jesus sort it out (note: at time of going to press, it remains uncertain to what extent Jesus, His Lord or whatever other schizophrenic moniker he goes by these days has any jurisdiction over the voluntary mink Diaspora, but as they say, that is His problem);
7. Fight fire with fire and start to infest (with recurring frequency) any abode or other such dwellings known to house concentrations of melancholic mink on the brink of leaving for nefarious purposes. They’ll be too scared to leave in case you have decided to take over their homes or plan to return sometime later for the same purpose in a recurring fashion or indeed manner. Dress in overalls smeared with mink-repellent just to piss them off. Note: may still result in a recurring infestation of melancholic mink. This advice may prove not to work at all. It's pretty much all conjecture until someone tries it, and we sure as hell won't. We're simply too lazy. Besides I'm 32% mink;
8. Create a large wooden see-saw (in the order of 100ft in length). On one end gather together yourself, your home and all your belongings. Drop a double decker bus full of rhinos on the other end. Problem solved. Mink cannot fly.
9. Have your butler politely ask them to leave;
10. Dig a bottomless pit in your home and place signpost pointing towards the pit with the words “Mink? Recurring? Come this way” written in pensive hues, accompanied by a smaller sign underneath saying “life is depressing”. It may seem a cruel trick to play, but trust us, once you’ve had recurring infestations of melancholic mink, any considerations of such nature become wholly obsolete and almost insulting.
Queen Victoria was famusly said to have an odour akin to that of recurring melancholic mink. This in some way explains her bad smell. Also, she was fairly ugly, which didn't help. Ugly but rich.
1. Surround yourself with pink fluffy marshmallows, for they are the nemesis of the mink;
2. Wash all minkable surfaces in a generous mixture of bleach, diluted despair and 200 litres of industrial anti-mink;
3. Place an announcement on Facemink, Minkspace, BeMink and other mink social networking sites declaring the unavailability and unsuitability of your premises as a place for recurring or even sporadic infestations of mink;
4. Shoot yourself repeatedly with a gun until dead. It won’t avoid a recurring infestation of melancholic mink, but by then you won’t care (note: this advice is fucking brilliant! It applies to almost every problem ever conceived, devised or encountered. Where’s my knighthood?);
5. Surround yourself with Monks, hence using up all available examples of the letters 'm', 'n' and 'k' and leaving none to be occupied by stray disgruntled members of the Mustelidae family;
6. Convert to Christianity and let Jesus sort it out (note: at time of going to press, it remains uncertain to what extent Jesus, His Lord or whatever other schizophrenic moniker he goes by these days has any jurisdiction over the voluntary mink Diaspora, but as they say, that is His problem);
7. Fight fire with fire and start to infest (with recurring frequency) any abode or other such dwellings known to house concentrations of melancholic mink on the brink of leaving for nefarious purposes. They’ll be too scared to leave in case you have decided to take over their homes or plan to return sometime later for the same purpose in a recurring fashion or indeed manner. Dress in overalls smeared with mink-repellent just to piss them off. Note: may still result in a recurring infestation of melancholic mink. This advice may prove not to work at all. It's pretty much all conjecture until someone tries it, and we sure as hell won't. We're simply too lazy. Besides I'm 32% mink;
8. Create a large wooden see-saw (in the order of 100ft in length). On one end gather together yourself, your home and all your belongings. Drop a double decker bus full of rhinos on the other end. Problem solved. Mink cannot fly.
9. Have your butler politely ask them to leave;
10. Dig a bottomless pit in your home and place signpost pointing towards the pit with the words “Mink? Recurring? Come this way” written in pensive hues, accompanied by a smaller sign underneath saying “life is depressing”. It may seem a cruel trick to play, but trust us, once you’ve had recurring infestations of melancholic mink, any considerations of such nature become wholly obsolete and almost insulting.
Queen Victoria was famusly said to have an odour akin to that of recurring melancholic mink. This in some way explains her bad smell. Also, she was fairly ugly, which didn't help. Ugly but rich.Thursday, 22 November 2007
10 methodologies by which to prevent some jumped-up little prick parking in your space
1: Rip off his head and impale it on a spike next to the space. History teaches us that this is an effective deterrent/healthy snack - dependent on whose history you read.
2: Dig up your parking space, fry it in a little butter and force-feed it to the little shit with a spade. If he refuses, gee him along some with a shot gun. Once he has consumed your parking space he will find it immensely difficult to park on it. Unless he is Brian Harvey.
3: Get yourself on eBay and pick up a tank.
A Challenger II(pictured) should do it. Then you can park wherever the fuck you like.
4: Chop off his head with a machete, considerably reducing his depth perception skills.
5: Disguise your parking space as a Job Centre.
6: Employ a traffic warden and don't feed it. They are more dangerous when they're hungry.
7: Draw a salt pentagram on your space. When he parks there, Satan will belch his foulest minions up through the bottom of his motor and, with careful aiming, directly up his bum-hole. He will hence be dragged kicking and screaming into a burning pit of hideous damnation by his anal sphincter, courtesy of two, miffed, Angels of Death.
8: Report him as a terrorist. He'll be detained without charge for an ever increasing number of days, and with any luck he'll get a good hard sodomizing with a broom-handle into the deal too.
9: Knee-cap him. (Note - only effective if your space has shit disabled access, most do).
10: Excavate your space and fill it with shit and Semtex. Cover with something black. Should he park in your space again, he'll find himself un-parking upwards at quite some velocity. He'll also be covered in shit.
2: Dig up your parking space, fry it in a little butter and force-feed it to the little shit with a spade. If he refuses, gee him along some with a shot gun. Once he has consumed your parking space he will find it immensely difficult to park on it. Unless he is Brian Harvey.
3: Get yourself on eBay and pick up a tank.
A Challenger II(pictured) should do it. Then you can park wherever the fuck you like.
4: Chop off his head with a machete, considerably reducing his depth perception skills.
5: Disguise your parking space as a Job Centre.
6: Employ a traffic warden and don't feed it. They are more dangerous when they're hungry.
7: Draw a salt pentagram on your space. When he parks there, Satan will belch his foulest minions up through the bottom of his motor and, with careful aiming, directly up his bum-hole. He will hence be dragged kicking and screaming into a burning pit of hideous damnation by his anal sphincter, courtesy of two, miffed, Angels of Death.
8: Report him as a terrorist. He'll be detained without charge for an ever increasing number of days, and with any luck he'll get a good hard sodomizing with a broom-handle into the deal too.
9: Knee-cap him. (Note - only effective if your space has shit disabled access, most do).
10: Excavate your space and fill it with shit and Semtex. Cover with something black. Should he park in your space again, he'll find himself un-parking upwards at quite some velocity. He'll also be covered in shit.
Monday, 12 November 2007
10 alternative uses for a Bible
1: Rough but cheap toilet paper. Good for having a holy shit.
2: Acts as a reminder that progress is a good thing. Makes funny
reading for the rational homo sapiens.
3: Shove it up a Jehovah's Witness's backside. Pleasingly it's an
especially uncomfortable size and shape.
4: Can function as a cheap and sadly plentiful resource for making
Scientologists look taller.
5: Cut a hole in all the pages, it's a smashing place to hide your crack.
6: Can allegedly ward of evil (sadly this doesn't apply to Christians or Jews).
7: Can simlutaneoulsy make a prison sentence seem worse whilst providing material for completing that long-distance origami class.
8: When torn up, mixed with paste, smeared on an inflated balloon and
painted blue, it passes as a monumentally shit Christmas present.
9: The pages can be crumpled up and placed inside wet shoes. The wet shoes can then be placed on the hardback cover and positioned in front of a source of heat like a fireplace (or the gates of hell, for example). Provided the shoes are wet to begin with, they will soon be dry. (Look – it's fucking hard to find ANY proper usage for a bible – give us a break! Carlsson)
10: Makes an excellent "moral" shield behind which to cringe, giving you free reign to exercise prejudices of all kinds, and get round to that genocide project you've had on the back-burner for so long...
2: Acts as a reminder that progress is a good thing. Makes funny
reading for the rational homo sapiens.
3: Shove it up a Jehovah's Witness's backside. Pleasingly it's an
especially uncomfortable size and shape.
4: Can function as a cheap and sadly plentiful resource for making
Scientologists look taller.
5: Cut a hole in all the pages, it's a smashing place to hide your crack.
6: Can allegedly ward of evil (sadly this doesn't apply to Christians or Jews).
7: Can simlutaneoulsy make a prison sentence seem worse whilst providing material for completing that long-distance origami class.
8: When torn up, mixed with paste, smeared on an inflated balloon and
painted blue, it passes as a monumentally shit Christmas present.
9: The pages can be crumpled up and placed inside wet shoes. The wet shoes can then be placed on the hardback cover and positioned in front of a source of heat like a fireplace (or the gates of hell, for example). Provided the shoes are wet to begin with, they will soon be dry. (Look – it's fucking hard to find ANY proper usage for a bible – give us a break! Carlsson)
10: Makes an excellent "moral" shield behind which to cringe, giving you free reign to exercise prejudices of all kinds, and get round to that genocide project you've had on the back-burner for so long...
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
10 reasons to accept any offer of employment from a granary bap (pictured)
1: Bereft of olfactory senses, a granary bap will not smell the gin on you.
2: A meeting with a granary bap is likely to be a short, one-sided affair culminating in you getting your own way.
3: There is little chance of you getting pissed at the office Christmas party and trying to shag a granary bap...
4: ... and even if you do, all the incriminating evidence is edible.
5: Granary baps are Equal Opportunities Employers.
6: Having no particular dietary requirements, a granary bap is more likely to let you replace the office canteen with a fridge full of Guinness.
7: Granary baps are good for you, whereas people can be mean.
8: I have never heard anyone complain of getting a shitty e-mail about deadlines, and "your attitude" from a granary bap, nor for that matter from any dough-based food product.
9: It is difficult to heat a normal boss, cover them in butter and then scoff them. Granary baps are considerably more amenable to such advances.
10: Baps are great :)
A Granary Bap (seriously, Google image search for "granary bap"... if you have time. Or not. Yes, I am a loser. Oh fuck off.)
Please note: A granary bap, when filled with cheese, ham or quail, makes a suitable lunchtime repast. Quail.
2: A meeting with a granary bap is likely to be a short, one-sided affair culminating in you getting your own way.
3: There is little chance of you getting pissed at the office Christmas party and trying to shag a granary bap...
4: ... and even if you do, all the incriminating evidence is edible.
5: Granary baps are Equal Opportunities Employers.
6: Having no particular dietary requirements, a granary bap is more likely to let you replace the office canteen with a fridge full of Guinness.
7: Granary baps are good for you, whereas people can be mean.
8: I have never heard anyone complain of getting a shitty e-mail about deadlines, and "your attitude" from a granary bap, nor for that matter from any dough-based food product.
9: It is difficult to heat a normal boss, cover them in butter and then scoff them. Granary baps are considerably more amenable to such advances.
10: Baps are great :)
A Granary Bap (seriously, Google image search for "granary bap"... if you have time. Or not. Yes, I am a loser. Oh fuck off.)Please note: A granary bap, when filled with cheese, ham or quail, makes a suitable lunchtime repast. Quail.
Friday, 2 November 2007
Ten ways to distinguish a quail from a whale
1. you won’t find lumps of dried krill stuck to the side of a quail’s beak
2. whales tend to be slightly larger than quails, and often with significantly less feathers
3. quail fat does not make for good soap
4. quails are difficult to harpoon, especially when submerged
5. whales’ nests are very shabby, and almost constantly wet
6. quails can fly
7. whale embryos rarely get served at fancy restaurants
8. Although the two species share only one common letter, “a”, they are more often than not spelt entirely differently (does not apply to those languages where this is not the case, such Gruhurrhbands and possibly Cornish)
9. a whale basks, whereas a quail frequently flaps
10. one is a bird and one is a marine mammal
Flemish quail miners, near the Pommeranian border, 1876.
(note: The person on the far left was an extra in UK medical-based TV drama Holby City. He subsequently drowned himself in a vat of stale elk's piss much to the amusement of his peers, all of whom despised him for his success.)
2. whales tend to be slightly larger than quails, and often with significantly less feathers
3. quail fat does not make for good soap
4. quails are difficult to harpoon, especially when submerged
5. whales’ nests are very shabby, and almost constantly wet
6. quails can fly
7. whale embryos rarely get served at fancy restaurants
8. Although the two species share only one common letter, “a”, they are more often than not spelt entirely differently (does not apply to those languages where this is not the case, such Gruhurrhbands and possibly Cornish)
9. a whale basks, whereas a quail frequently flaps
10. one is a bird and one is a marine mammal
Flemish quail miners, near the Pommeranian border, 1876.
(note: The person on the far left was an extra in UK medical-based TV drama Holby City. He subsequently drowned himself in a vat of stale elk's piss much to the amusement of his peers, all of whom despised him for his success.)
Thursday, 1 November 2007
10 reasons why Victor Kayam (if that is his real name) is such a dickhead
1: Victor Kayam doesn't come when you call him (try it...)
2: He sucks at curling.
3: 9 out of 10 cats would not leave their kids with Victor Kayam.
4: God liked him so much, he killed him.
5: Victor Kayam breeds baby rabbits, shatters their legs with an 8 pound lump hammer, and then races them down a flume lubricated with battery acid.
6: Victor Kayam cannot tie his own shoelaces. I can. Ha.
7: I strongly suspect that Victor Kayam was in no small way responsible for the untimely death of my uncle's pigeon.
8. Victor Kayam once puked on himself. He liked it so much, he bought it.
9: Victor Kayam's recipe for "Jerk Chicken" owes nothing to the culinary tradition of the Caribbean, and more than it should to the centre pages of Razzle and the abuse of poultry.
10: Victor Kayam once took a shit on the Bayeux Tapestry, and then blamed it on a group of mentally retarded children on school trip. He later went back, scraped off some of the shit and ate it.
2: He sucks at curling.
3: 9 out of 10 cats would not leave their kids with Victor Kayam.
4: God liked him so much, he killed him.
5: Victor Kayam breeds baby rabbits, shatters their legs with an 8 pound lump hammer, and then races them down a flume lubricated with battery acid.
6: Victor Kayam cannot tie his own shoelaces. I can. Ha.
7: I strongly suspect that Victor Kayam was in no small way responsible for the untimely death of my uncle's pigeon.
8. Victor Kayam once puked on himself. He liked it so much, he bought it.
9: Victor Kayam's recipe for "Jerk Chicken" owes nothing to the culinary tradition of the Caribbean, and more than it should to the centre pages of Razzle and the abuse of poultry.
10: Victor Kayam once took a shit on the Bayeux Tapestry, and then blamed it on a group of mentally retarded children on school trip. He later went back, scraped off some of the shit and ate it.
Friday, 5 October 2007
10 excellent euphemisms for the humble bum-hole...
1. Balloon knot
2. Boris Johnson
3. Turd sprinkler
4. Rusty Sheriff's Badge
5. Chocolate Starfish
6. 0.0001 miles of Belgium
7. Chutney mine
8. Serviceman's entrance
9. Cockney pudding
10. The Inverted Minstrel
2. Boris Johnson
3. Turd sprinkler
4. Rusty Sheriff's Badge
5. Chocolate Starfish
6. 0.0001 miles of Belgium
7. Chutney mine
8. Serviceman's entrance
9. Cockney pudding
10. The Inverted Minstrel
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
10 implausible excuses for having a piece of fruit up one's bottom
Taking the intellectual high ground, as ever...
1. It's a political prisoner.
2. It's not a banana, it's a bendy yellow egg - I'm going to be it's Mummy.
3. Shhh... it's sleeping.
4. It was like that when I got here?
5. I was brutally sodomised by the Man from Del Monte, don't you know.
6. Blah... changing lightbulb... blah ... step ladder... blah... naked... blah... fell... blah... fruit bowl. You make up the rest. I don't care.
7. It must have fallen of the bloody great tree in my pants.
8. It went up there looking for the pineapple.
9. I wondered why that smoothie had a "pooey" aftertaste.
10. My butt-plug is on holiday.
1. It's a political prisoner.
2. It's not a banana, it's a bendy yellow egg - I'm going to be it's Mummy.
3. Shhh... it's sleeping.
4. It was like that when I got here?
5. I was brutally sodomised by the Man from Del Monte, don't you know.
6. Blah... changing lightbulb... blah ... step ladder... blah... naked... blah... fell... blah... fruit bowl. You make up the rest. I don't care.
7. It must have fallen of the bloody great tree in my pants.
8. It went up there looking for the pineapple.
9. I wondered why that smoothie had a "pooey" aftertaste.
10. My butt-plug is on holiday.
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
10 reasons to leave your (lovely) job and go back to academia
(The following list has been contributed by the soon to be second most famous computational linguist in the world. A lady of mystery she moves in the murkier realms of South Korean science, sleeping cats and Svenska Dagbladet. Let's call her Syntax Terror (it's a Commodore 64 joke of sorts). We look forward to more contributions in the future (or even in the past, should that ever become possible)). Here's an additional parenthesis for good measure: ")"
1. No sugar daddy or sugar momma will take you on if they know you're employed and thus not available 24/7;
2. “You're calling your wife a wino... on national television!!!” (aka Jeremy Kyle);
3. Unemployment sounds contrary and rebellious;
4. It will also get you more points in Scrabble than employment– guaranteed!;
5. The leaving do > the Christmas party;
6. You finally get round to reading all those Tolstoys on your desk, Guardian abridged-read style;
7. It's the only opportunity to be a guest contributor to Tengasm;
8. In some circles, if you've worked AND studied, you're a polymath!;
9. “yes Gran, I am studying to be a medical doctor”;
10. Normal employment = great for party anecdotes and nostalgic reminiscing. SIGH.
1. No sugar daddy or sugar momma will take you on if they know you're employed and thus not available 24/7;
2. “You're calling your wife a wino... on national television!!!” (aka Jeremy Kyle);
3. Unemployment sounds contrary and rebellious;
4. It will also get you more points in Scrabble than employment– guaranteed!;
5. The leaving do > the Christmas party;
6. You finally get round to reading all those Tolstoys on your desk, Guardian abridged-read style;
7. It's the only opportunity to be a guest contributor to Tengasm;
8. In some circles, if you've worked AND studied, you're a polymath!;
9. “yes Gran, I am studying to be a medical doctor”;
10. Normal employment = great for party anecdotes and nostalgic reminiscing. SIGH.
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
10 things for Steve to do today
1. Find an OS X version of Championship Manager;
2. Develop crude but semi-Quail like dance moves;
3. The same as above, but whilst looking for an OS X version of Championship Manager;
4. Get over the fact that he has been called an albatross;
5. Initiate phase one of moving to a farm and becoming self-sufficient and then flogging shit;
6. Install the Commodore 64 emulator 'Vice' find out how to play Bruce Lee over a network;
7. Wait for the cows to come home;
8. Adapt a neutral but firm stance on issues of the heart;
9. Do a google search for the letter 'F' then make some unrelated pie-charts;
10. Have a nervous breakdown and general panic vis-a-vis laptop purchases.
2. Develop crude but semi-Quail like dance moves;
3. The same as above, but whilst looking for an OS X version of Championship Manager;
4. Get over the fact that he has been called an albatross;
5. Initiate phase one of moving to a farm and becoming self-sufficient and then flogging shit;
6. Install the Commodore 64 emulator 'Vice' find out how to play Bruce Lee over a network;
7. Wait for the cows to come home;
8. Adapt a neutral but firm stance on issues of the heart;
9. Do a google search for the letter 'F' then make some unrelated pie-charts;
10. Have a nervous breakdown and general panic vis-a-vis laptop purchases.
Thursday, 10 May 2007
10 things I don't need
1. Windows fucking Vista;
2. £15 million (does reverse psychology work on God?). (No. - God);
3. A tail. Where do you put it when you take a dump?;
4. Advertising. I am stupid enough as it is, and, over the past 30 years have proven astonishingly adept at buggering up my own morale fibre. I am in no need of assistance. (Steve's words, not mine...);
5. A big name department store shopping bag. I am just as happy puking in an Asda one;
6. Another personality. Two is quite enough. (no it isn't) (who asked you?) (repeat to fade);
7. This. See also 'you', 'it' and 'everything';
8. A small, rat-type dog to carry. If it has got more legs than me I can fucking well walk;
9. A partially-cracked item of crockery containing the remnants of something I tried to eat last week. Probably with mayonnaise in. Or spunk. (Oddly this is the only item on this list I actually own);
10. A hydrogen-based life form called 'Niels' summering in my scrotum. So there.
2. £15 million (does reverse psychology work on God?). (No. - God);
3. A tail. Where do you put it when you take a dump?;
4. Advertising. I am stupid enough as it is, and, over the past 30 years have proven astonishingly adept at buggering up my own morale fibre. I am in no need of assistance. (Steve's words, not mine...);
5. A big name department store shopping bag. I am just as happy puking in an Asda one;
6. Another personality. Two is quite enough. (no it isn't) (who asked you?) (repeat to fade);
7. This. See also 'you', 'it' and 'everything';
8. A small, rat-type dog to carry. If it has got more legs than me I can fucking well walk;
9. A partially-cracked item of crockery containing the remnants of something I tried to eat last week. Probably with mayonnaise in. Or spunk. (Oddly this is the only item on this list I actually own);
10. A hydrogen-based life form called 'Niels' summering in my scrotum. So there.
10 modern routes to fame
1. Have a rich daddy (or mummy) - just as long as they are not married anymore;
2. Get out of a car with no pants on. In fact, generally shun the undergarment ethic all together;
3. Invent a cure for something (or invent a disease and then a cure for it) and name it after yourself;
4. Put on 17 stone, get on a shit reality show, give a crap blowjob to a bald brummie, get your 'kebab' out and reduce your IQ to that of a house brick. Twice;
5. Shag a footballer or at least pretend you did;
6. Win the lottery and then spend the next 10 years proving how little you deserved it. Note: may require a custodial sentence or two and ownership of a Glasgow Rangers shirt;
7. Be orange;
8. Go back in time and write yourself into 'Great Expectations' by Charles Dickens;
9. Get your tits out for the lads;
10. Accidentally film yourself having sex. Accidentally post the footage on the internet. Accidentally tell everyone where to find the footage using the medium of MySpace.
2. Get out of a car with no pants on. In fact, generally shun the undergarment ethic all together;
3. Invent a cure for something (or invent a disease and then a cure for it) and name it after yourself;
4. Put on 17 stone, get on a shit reality show, give a crap blowjob to a bald brummie, get your 'kebab' out and reduce your IQ to that of a house brick. Twice;
5. Shag a footballer or at least pretend you did;
6. Win the lottery and then spend the next 10 years proving how little you deserved it. Note: may require a custodial sentence or two and ownership of a Glasgow Rangers shirt;
7. Be orange;
8. Go back in time and write yourself into 'Great Expectations' by Charles Dickens;
9. Get your tits out for the lads;
10. Accidentally film yourself having sex. Accidentally post the footage on the internet. Accidentally tell everyone where to find the footage using the medium of MySpace.
Sunday, 6 May 2007
10 crucial facts about hovercrafting
1. The first hovercraft was invented and patented by the English inventor Christopher Cockerell in 1952;
2. Finnish engineer DI Toivo J. Kaario, head inspector of Valtion Lentokonetehdas (VL) airplane engine workshop, began to design an air cushion craft in 1931;
3. A hovercfraft is technically a concept;
4. Two M-11 radial aero-engines were installed horizontally in the funnel-shaped wells on the platform which connected the catamaran hulls together;
5. As of 7th November 2005 the Dover-Calais cross channel company Hoverspeed, which once ran the Hovercraft, ceased operations of its last remaining service, the Seacat;
6. These fingers 'give' in order to take the impact of waves so that the ride is more comfortable;
7. Negative pitch will slow the craft down and is also the hovercraft's braking system;
8. The lift fans pump air down into the large space beneath the craft called the 'plenum';
9. The most expensive hovercraft ever assembled, the Jamal, was built in 1982 to the tune of $13,233.78. The craft partially imploded only minutes into its maiden voyage, causing some upset among its passengers. The project was generally considered a failure;
10. One hovercraft is roughly equal to one racing car, a fit leopard and a really fast space ship.
2. Finnish engineer DI Toivo J. Kaario, head inspector of Valtion Lentokonetehdas (VL) airplane engine workshop, began to design an air cushion craft in 1931;
3. A hovercfraft is technically a concept;
4. Two M-11 radial aero-engines were installed horizontally in the funnel-shaped wells on the platform which connected the catamaran hulls together;
5. As of 7th November 2005 the Dover-Calais cross channel company Hoverspeed, which once ran the Hovercraft, ceased operations of its last remaining service, the Seacat;
6. These fingers 'give' in order to take the impact of waves so that the ride is more comfortable;
7. Negative pitch will slow the craft down and is also the hovercraft's braking system;
8. The lift fans pump air down into the large space beneath the craft called the 'plenum';
9. The most expensive hovercraft ever assembled, the Jamal, was built in 1982 to the tune of $13,233.78. The craft partially imploded only minutes into its maiden voyage, causing some upset among its passengers. The project was generally considered a failure;
10. One hovercraft is roughly equal to one racing car, a fit leopard and a really fast space ship.
10 things to do when you can't access the internet
1. Recreate the entire world-wide web in html code in notepad, and then surf offline at your own leisure;
2. Make prank calls to Boris Becker, or someone who vaguely resembles him;
3. Construct a cape out of disused furniture and fight crime;
4. Go outside. You'll find people there, too;
5. Call your parents and catch up. Only joking;
6. Write pointless lists that no one will read or find amusing;
7. Watch teletext, the 'other' internet;
8. Use your imagination;
9. Recreate your favourite websites using the medium of mime and generous servings of gin. Note: mime optional;
10. Go to bed. It won't kill you, unless you're destined to die in your sleep. In which case death could strike at any moment, provided that you are asleep.
2. Make prank calls to Boris Becker, or someone who vaguely resembles him;
3. Construct a cape out of disused furniture and fight crime;
4. Go outside. You'll find people there, too;
5. Call your parents and catch up. Only joking;
6. Write pointless lists that no one will read or find amusing;
7. Watch teletext, the 'other' internet;
8. Use your imagination;
9. Recreate your favourite websites using the medium of mime and generous servings of gin. Note: mime optional;
10. Go to bed. It won't kill you, unless you're destined to die in your sleep. In which case death could strike at any moment, provided that you are asleep.
Saturday, 5 May 2007
10 modern reasons for invading a sovereign country
1. They can kill us in 45 minutes (don't' worry if this later turns out not to be true. It'll make no difference whatsoever);
2. We need to attack, maim, kill and completely incapacitate you in order to free you from the shackles of tyranny;
3. We have absolutely no proof that you are currently sponsoring terrorism;
4. We're running out of oil;
5. George Bush told me to;
6. Cultural regeneration;
7. How else can we spread our message of peace and tolerance?;
8. The opinion polls are taking a dip;
9. They stopped showing Dawson's Creek;
10. Guantanamo Bay.
2. We need to attack, maim, kill and completely incapacitate you in order to free you from the shackles of tyranny;
3. We have absolutely no proof that you are currently sponsoring terrorism;
4. We're running out of oil;
5. George Bush told me to;
6. Cultural regeneration;
7. How else can we spread our message of peace and tolerance?;
8. The opinion polls are taking a dip;
9. They stopped showing Dawson's Creek;
10. Guantanamo Bay.
10 made up words
1. Spankathon;
2. Flandergharst(s);
3. Discomestibility;
4. Sombrerical;
5. Quailasticity;
6. Pandalicious;
7. Spamunition;
8. Spleek;
9. Forklymost;
10. Lamplitude.
2. Flandergharst(s);
3. Discomestibility;
4. Sombrerical;
5. Quailasticity;
6. Pandalicious;
7. Spamunition;
8. Spleek;
9. Forklymost;
10. Lamplitude.
10 things that no amount of training will enable a recently deceased pike to achieve (what? - Ed.)
1. Winning the Olympic 110 metre hurdles final, blindfold, with your mouth full of marbles whilst being brutally tickled by an enamoured grizzly bear;
2. A clearer understanding of the mating habits of the Quail. Quail! Not again...;
3. Passing an undigested landmine through you alimentary canal (ie from mouth to sphincter);
4. The cha-cha-cha;
5. Nasa employee of the month;
6. Proving that there exists a solution to an + bn = cn for all values of n where n>2;
7. A subtle sense of achievement;
8. Backwards compatibility;
9. A passable cow impression (under duress);
10. A higher social status in medieval Flanders.
2. A clearer understanding of the mating habits of the Quail. Quail! Not again...;
3. Passing an undigested landmine through you alimentary canal (ie from mouth to sphincter);
4. The cha-cha-cha;
5. Nasa employee of the month;
6. Proving that there exists a solution to an + bn = cn for all values of n where n>2;
7. A subtle sense of achievement;
8. Backwards compatibility;
9. A passable cow impression (under duress);
10. A higher social status in medieval Flanders.
10 ways to like, you know, relax maaaan
1. Write the words 'cock and balls' at the top of every page of the Collins Pocket Guide to Woodland Fungi;
2. Give yourself a zesty marmalade rub down. Thick cut conserve is best;
3. Buy some heroin and a warm can of ironically named 'Tenants', and then lie in the road shouting obscenities at passing mice;
4. Wear a particularly soothing hat. Note: hat optional;
5. Recreate the battle of Arnhem using Brylcreem and possibly advice from your mate's nan. If that doesn't relax you nothing will;
6. Don't buy Razzle. It is shit;
7. Rediscover gravel. Can be most satisfying when undertaken waist deep in novelty treacle;
8. Lend £5 to a duck. Its gentle quacks of appreciation will make you feel all special. Note: duck optional;
9. As in point 7, however with some changes. Or not. Doesn't matter, as long as you relax. Just fucking relax! Or not;
10. Wear beige briefs;
Note: none of the above work. Except the bit about wearing beige briefs. Essentially a combination of soft drugs and gentle masturbation is what you're looking for here. Now go away.
2. Give yourself a zesty marmalade rub down. Thick cut conserve is best;
3. Buy some heroin and a warm can of ironically named 'Tenants', and then lie in the road shouting obscenities at passing mice;
4. Wear a particularly soothing hat. Note: hat optional;
5. Recreate the battle of Arnhem using Brylcreem and possibly advice from your mate's nan. If that doesn't relax you nothing will;
6. Don't buy Razzle. It is shit;
7. Rediscover gravel. Can be most satisfying when undertaken waist deep in novelty treacle;
8. Lend £5 to a duck. Its gentle quacks of appreciation will make you feel all special. Note: duck optional;
9. As in point 7, however with some changes. Or not. Doesn't matter, as long as you relax. Just fucking relax! Or not;
10. Wear beige briefs;
Note: none of the above work. Except the bit about wearing beige briefs. Essentially a combination of soft drugs and gentle masturbation is what you're looking for here. Now go away.
10 things that Carlsson thought about whilst taking a piss
1. An old issue of Razzle can provide a colourful and evocative base for papier mache;
2. The internet is pointless without porn;
3. Can I dislodge that piece of grime using the powerful spray of my loins?;
4. Where?
5. ..and possibly, err, where?
6. "I like big butts and I cannot lie...";
7. "Christ! I hope this is a urinal..";
8. "Sorry love - clearly you are not a urinal";
9. Why is it "a urinal" but "an umbrella"?;
10. Is that the best thing I have ever thought about?
2. The internet is pointless without porn;
3. Can I dislodge that piece of grime using the powerful spray of my loins?;
4. Where?
5. ..and possibly, err, where?
6. "I like big butts and I cannot lie...";
7. "Christ! I hope this is a urinal..";
8. "Sorry love - clearly you are not a urinal";
9. Why is it "a urinal" but "an umbrella"?;
10. Is that the best thing I have ever thought about?
10 acceptable phrases to be exclaimed whilst being spanked by a mistress (or master)
1. "Mother, is this really necessary?"
2. "3 chilli wings and a bucket of beans - hold the coleslaw matron!"
3. "That actually quite hurts, you know?"
4. "This may all be fine, but I certainly shan't place YOUR pants on MY head"
5. "Crystal Palace 3 - Brighton Hove Albion 0"
6. "Is that all you've got?"
7. *a ukulele impression* "bang-bang-bang-pling!"
8. "How dare you not touch my eagle of justice?"
9. "Mr. coco starfish says 'ow'!"
10. "If you find my father, please tell him to vacate my derriere"
2. "3 chilli wings and a bucket of beans - hold the coleslaw matron!"
3. "That actually quite hurts, you know?"
4. "This may all be fine, but I certainly shan't place YOUR pants on MY head"
5. "Crystal Palace 3 - Brighton Hove Albion 0"
6. "Is that all you've got?"
7. *a ukulele impression* "bang-bang-bang-pling!"
8. "How dare you not touch my eagle of justice?"
9. "Mr. coco starfish says 'ow'!"
10. "If you find my father, please tell him to vacate my derriere"
10 chat up lines that, in an ideal world, would not result in laughter or a slap in the facial region
1. "Minky!!"
2. "I have a tiny penis. Please don't laugh."
3. "Have you ever witnessed a male rectal prolapse?"
4. "... I was just trying to look up his nose"
5. "Congratulations. You are the clock"
6. "Can I come in your ear?" (clearly one of Steve's lines, - Ed.)
7. "You will find our relations wholly unsatisfactory, but I'll be fast asleep by then"
8. "Can I put my cha-cha in your hoo-hoo-dilly?"
9. "Skal du med hjem og bappe på fars vandpibe?"
10. "I am absolutely skint". The end.
2. "I have a tiny penis. Please don't laugh."
3. "Have you ever witnessed a male rectal prolapse?"
4. "... I was just trying to look up his nose"
5. "Congratulations. You are the clock"
6. "Can I come in your ear?" (clearly one of Steve's lines, - Ed.)
7. "You will find our relations wholly unsatisfactory, but I'll be fast asleep by then"
8. "Can I put my cha-cha in your hoo-hoo-dilly?"
9. "Skal du med hjem og bappe på fars vandpibe?"
10. "I am absolutely skint". The end.
10 satisfying things about being a male man
1. Post-tinkle, one has something to shake;
2. Passing wind is appropriate in same-sex company;
3. Mid-doody pops, one may read the Financial Timessss;
4. Playing with yourself is a pleasing and ultimately sedative manner in which to while away lengthy train journeys;
5. Discussing your tangy body odour is by no means a faux-pas;
6. Readjusting your own private bits in public is a right, not a privilege - provided you refer to the act as a "cabinet reshuffle" and nothing else;
7. Minky!!
8. A good spanking never did me any harm. I don't fear it and nor should you;
9. In the company of other male men the quaffing piss, hole fingering and a nice, firm bottom spanking are both accepted, and expected;
10. You are obsolete. Act accordingly.
2. Passing wind is appropriate in same-sex company;
3. Mid-doody pops, one may read the Financial Timessss;
4. Playing with yourself is a pleasing and ultimately sedative manner in which to while away lengthy train journeys;
5. Discussing your tangy body odour is by no means a faux-pas;
6. Readjusting your own private bits in public is a right, not a privilege - provided you refer to the act as a "cabinet reshuffle" and nothing else;
7. Minky!!
8. A good spanking never did me any harm. I don't fear it and nor should you;
9. In the company of other male men the quaffing piss, hole fingering and a nice, firm bottom spanking are both accepted, and expected;
10. You are obsolete. Act accordingly.
Saturday, 28 April 2007
10 unpleasant euphemisms for the male ejaculate
1. there goes another teenage pregnancy;
2. lubricant of life;
3. lady liqueur;
4. eau de pee-pee;
5. pricksap;
6. cock-icing (on the cake);
7. snout sauce;
8. a breath of fresh air;
9. vin au coq;
10. man custard (as used by Ramon Cackhoul'e, pictured)
2. lubricant of life;
3. lady liqueur;
4. eau de pee-pee;
5. pricksap;
6. cock-icing (on the cake);
7. snout sauce;
8. a breath of fresh air;
9. vin au coq;
10. man custard (as used by Ramon Cackhoul'e, pictured)
10 things not to say to a customer when things go wrong
1. (fingers in ears) LALALALALALALALALA – not listening - LALALALALALA
2. The easiest way for me to fix this is for you to fix it.
3. I have fucked up bigger projects than this.
4. Do I look like someone who cares?
5. I am not paid enough to fix this.
6. Who are you?
7. If you are religous, start praying.. if not we are up shit creek without a paddle.
8. You can borrow my mobile to call someone who cares.
9. Don't blame me, you hired me, blame yourself......prick
10. Normally when this happens I go to the pub.
2. The easiest way for me to fix this is for you to fix it.
3. I have fucked up bigger projects than this.
4. Do I look like someone who cares?
5. I am not paid enough to fix this.
6. Who are you?
7. If you are religous, start praying.. if not we are up shit creek without a paddle.
8. You can borrow my mobile to call someone who cares.
9. Don't blame me, you hired me, blame yourself......prick
10. Normally when this happens I go to the pub.
Friday, 27 April 2007
10 suggestions to assist in bringing a dull conversation to an abrupt close
1: When I pee it stings, and I can smell smoke.
2: Must dash, the bunnies won't suffocate themselves, you know!!
3: I'm your mommy now.
4: Is it time to let Captain Trouser-Tinkle out yet?
5: Did you know that the number 69 has the property that n2 and n3 all together contain each digit once: 69 * 69 = 4,761 and 69 * 69 * 69 = 328,509.
6: Sorry, are your ears made of spam jelly? Mine are.
7: Mooooooooo.
8: Is it safe to cook mince in a microwave? Also, have you seen my potato?
9: Shh. Can you hear that? IT's the sound of the woof-ferret. Run!!
10: Oh, just fuck off, will you?
2: Must dash, the bunnies won't suffocate themselves, you know!!
3: I'm your mommy now.
4: Is it time to let Captain Trouser-Tinkle out yet?
5: Did you know that the number 69 has the property that n2 and n3 all together contain each digit once: 69 * 69 = 4,761 and 69 * 69 * 69 = 328,509.
6: Sorry, are your ears made of spam jelly? Mine are.
7: Mooooooooo.
8: Is it safe to cook mince in a microwave? Also, have you seen my potato?
9: Shh. Can you hear that? IT's the sound of the woof-ferret. Run!!
10: Oh, just fuck off, will you?
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
10 unsuitable names for a Quail
1: Kevin.
2: Geoff.
3: Administrator.
4: Seven.
5: "!".
6: Birdman.
7: Sue-Ellen.
8: Pongo.
9: Duck.
10: The St. Mary's Friends and Provident Stadium, Southampton.
2: Geoff.
3: Administrator.
4: Seven.
5: "!".
6: Birdman.
7: Sue-Ellen.
8: Pongo.
9: Duck.
10: The St. Mary's Friends and Provident Stadium, Southampton.
10 fitting names for a Quail
1: MordeQuail
2: Philip
3: Ximones
4: Cassandra smells (of Quail)
5: Quail
6: Quail, also.
7: King Ramtut Nameses III, Ruler of All Egypt. Quail.
8: Q-Diddy.
9: Kway - El.
10: Quentin Uriah Iannis Andromac Lychee (Quail).
2: Philip
3: Ximones
4: Cassandra smells (of Quail)
5: Quail
6: Quail, also.
7: King Ramtut Nameses III, Ruler of All Egypt. Quail.
8: Q-Diddy.
9: Kway - El.
10: Quentin Uriah Iannis Andromac Lychee (Quail).
10 famous quails
Not including MC Quail of "You can't Quail this. Stop! Quail Time" fame (pictured)
1: Flaubert's Quail (deceased due to parrot costume-related asphyxiation)
2: Yankee Doodle Quail (Quail. Deceased. Eaten by another, slightly bigger Quail)
3: Big Quail (deceased, due to undigested quail. See Quail 2)
4: Le Quail (Deceased. Drowned in shallow vat of brandy, in France. Although the French have no word for shallow, so how they told anyone remains a mystery. Quail)
5: Captain Quail (Deceased. Suicide, post demotion to Lieutenant. Invented Monopoly (Quail Edition). Quail)
6: J. F. Quail (deceased. Suicide as a direct result of being shot firmly in the head with a gun. Now a famous airport and Quail sanctuary. Quail)
7: Dave "QuailStrike" Quail V.C. (Deceased. War Hero. Flew into jet engine. Then fell off cliff. Wrote Portuguese poetry inspired by the Life of the Quail)
8: King Quail (deceased. Shot from top of Empire State Building after excellent gorilla impression. Notorious drunk and teller of fibs)
9: Quail Darwin (deceased, due to evolution. And typhoid. First Quail to prove that Quails descended from monkeys, and not, as previously suspected, from Quails)
10: Atta Quail. (Deceased. First leader of Turkey - now known as Quail.) Quail.
1: Flaubert's Quail (deceased due to parrot costume-related asphyxiation)
2: Yankee Doodle Quail (Quail. Deceased. Eaten by another, slightly bigger Quail)
3: Big Quail (deceased, due to undigested quail. See Quail 2)
4: Le Quail (Deceased. Drowned in shallow vat of brandy, in France. Although the French have no word for shallow, so how they told anyone remains a mystery. Quail)
5: Captain Quail (Deceased. Suicide, post demotion to Lieutenant. Invented Monopoly (Quail Edition). Quail)
6: J. F. Quail (deceased. Suicide as a direct result of being shot firmly in the head with a gun. Now a famous airport and Quail sanctuary. Quail)
7: Dave "QuailStrike" Quail V.C. (Deceased. War Hero. Flew into jet engine. Then fell off cliff. Wrote Portuguese poetry inspired by the Life of the Quail)
8: King Quail (deceased. Shot from top of Empire State Building after excellent gorilla impression. Notorious drunk and teller of fibs)
9: Quail Darwin (deceased, due to evolution. And typhoid. First Quail to prove that Quails descended from monkeys, and not, as previously suspected, from Quails)
10: Atta Quail. (Deceased. First leader of Turkey - now known as Quail.) Quail.
Monday, 23 April 2007
10 useful facts about pike (the toothy fish, not a big stick – because it pleases Steve)
1. A pike, during rigor mortis, may be adequately ledged in a door frame as a chin-up bar. Note: Post-rigor mortis, flaccid, pike are unsuitable
2. Pikes make trusty pets. It is a little-known fact that Napoleon himself kept a stuffed pike named Graham, whom he would take out to dinner and the theater, regale with anecdotes on the subject of penicillin, and lick softly when he felt alone
3. The cassette edition of Now That Is What I Call Music 23 contained trace elements of pike
4. When combined with 300 Belgians, a yard of displeasing sand and an inflatable map of Uruguay, the pike can form the basis of several elaborate practical jokes
5. The wheel may or may not have been the brainchild of a Scottish pike
6. The American constitution was briefly written in pike
7. Jesus's unknown 13th disciple was presumably not a phlegmatic pike answering to the name of Trevor
8. Pike is an anagram of kepi, a type of French hat
9. It is easy to confuse a pike
10. Pikes are our friends. Offer your neighbourhood pike money, but do not insert your cock in its mouth (besides the ethical issues raised here, fish and fowl should never intertwine)
“I just love pikes, man” (Carlsson)
2. Pikes make trusty pets. It is a little-known fact that Napoleon himself kept a stuffed pike named Graham, whom he would take out to dinner and the theater, regale with anecdotes on the subject of penicillin, and lick softly when he felt alone
3. The cassette edition of Now That Is What I Call Music 23 contained trace elements of pike
4. When combined with 300 Belgians, a yard of displeasing sand and an inflatable map of Uruguay, the pike can form the basis of several elaborate practical jokes
5. The wheel may or may not have been the brainchild of a Scottish pike
6. The American constitution was briefly written in pike
7. Jesus's unknown 13th disciple was presumably not a phlegmatic pike answering to the name of Trevor
8. Pike is an anagram of kepi, a type of French hat
9. It is easy to confuse a pike
10. Pikes are our friends. Offer your neighbourhood pike money, but do not insert your cock in its mouth (besides the ethical issues raised here, fish and fowl should never intertwine)
“I just love pikes, man” (Carlsson)
10 axioms for modern day living in Tower Hamlets
1. Cider is the breakfast of champions. And tramps
2. Indulging in two unhealthy acts simultaneously makes them cancel each other out. Let us furnish you with an example: A breakfast of 20 Lambert and Butler and a KFC bargain bucket will not kill you. Note: Some of the above is untrue and therefore of dubious factual content
3. Ginger children are further down the social hierarchy than tramps. Act accordingly.
4. Crime pays
5. “I is going to read a books, innit?”. No you're not. Fuck off.
6. An off-licence without a security cage is a rare and splendid thing
7. If you're under 15 and own a bored-out stolen scooter, you are exempt from adhering to the Highway Code, the education system and responsible parenting
8. Please show your pants at all times. IF this means wearing your tracksuit bottoms around your knees at all times so be it. Note: It will make it difficult to run after the twat who just stole your scooter
9. Please take your children to Tesco's and beat them
10. Stealing, taking drugs and amassing ASBOs is the surest path to getting a free council house
2. Indulging in two unhealthy acts simultaneously makes them cancel each other out. Let us furnish you with an example: A breakfast of 20 Lambert and Butler and a KFC bargain bucket will not kill you. Note: Some of the above is untrue and therefore of dubious factual content
3. Ginger children are further down the social hierarchy than tramps. Act accordingly.
4. Crime pays
5. “I is going to read a books, innit?”. No you're not. Fuck off.
6. An off-licence without a security cage is a rare and splendid thing
7. If you're under 15 and own a bored-out stolen scooter, you are exempt from adhering to the Highway Code, the education system and responsible parenting
8. Please show your pants at all times. IF this means wearing your tracksuit bottoms around your knees at all times so be it. Note: It will make it difficult to run after the twat who just stole your scooter
9. Please take your children to Tesco's and beat them
10. Stealing, taking drugs and amassing ASBOs is the surest path to getting a free council house
Thursday, 19 April 2007
10 shit things about getting old
1. Your missus is probably tucking her tits into her belt
2. An erection is only a thing that prevents you from falling out of bed in the morning
3. No one fucking cares...
4. ...and yet it is still both your fault and problem
5. Regularly pissing yourself is not all it is cracked up to be and colostomy bags are grim
6. Granny porn is rubbish and more than a little sinister
7. Your swimsuit modelling days are over
8. Surgical stockings are unlikely to help you score (unless you're after medication for brittle bones or morphine)
9. Your underpants will be older than the nurse trying to remove them to change your colostomy
10. Your flirting is now referred to as "letching"
2. An erection is only a thing that prevents you from falling out of bed in the morning
3. No one fucking cares...
4. ...and yet it is still both your fault and problem
5. Regularly pissing yourself is not all it is cracked up to be and colostomy bags are grim
6. Granny porn is rubbish and more than a little sinister
7. Your swimsuit modelling days are over
8. Surgical stockings are unlikely to help you score (unless you're after medication for brittle bones or morphine)
9. Your underpants will be older than the nurse trying to remove them to change your colostomy
10. Your flirting is now referred to as "letching"
10 good things about being a year older
1. You are one year closer to the invention of the hoverboard
2. Research has shown that your genitals do not shrink with age
3. The older you are, the more children there are around you, whose hopes and aspirations you can shatter on a whim. Bring it!
4. With age comes social impunity. Only an elderly person can sit on a bus, shit themselves and then loudly blame it on someone else
5. You can finally order that Eau de Piss et Cabbage cologne you've been longing for all these years
6. Slippers become a day shoe
7. When you've got no hair, a beer gut, incontinence and toenails reminiscent of dessicated turds - no fucker is going to try and get you to sign up to a charity in the middle of the street, nor are they going to offer you a shitty free paper you don't particularly want to read
8. Singing to yourself at the bus stop is no longer likely to result in you getting stabbed
9. You get to use words like "whipper-snapper", "rap-scallion" and "rambunctious" and call people in their 40s "young man"
10. Fatigue is now a valid excuse
2. Research has shown that your genitals do not shrink with age
3. The older you are, the more children there are around you, whose hopes and aspirations you can shatter on a whim. Bring it!
4. With age comes social impunity. Only an elderly person can sit on a bus, shit themselves and then loudly blame it on someone else
5. You can finally order that Eau de Piss et Cabbage cologne you've been longing for all these years
6. Slippers become a day shoe
7. When you've got no hair, a beer gut, incontinence and toenails reminiscent of dessicated turds - no fucker is going to try and get you to sign up to a charity in the middle of the street, nor are they going to offer you a shitty free paper you don't particularly want to read
8. Singing to yourself at the bus stop is no longer likely to result in you getting stabbed
9. You get to use words like "whipper-snapper", "rap-scallion" and "rambunctious" and call people in their 40s "young man"
10. Fatigue is now a valid excuse
Tuesday, 17 April 2007
10 reasons to go to the opera
1. They have a bar
2. Fat people are funny
3. It is better than lying in a dark cupboard as, by the sound of your own sobbing, you gently piss yourself to sleep. Bye bye dignity
4. Ample opportunities for petty theft
5. You can wear a nice pretty dress
6. There is no opera house in Bradford
7. It will help you clarify your views on suicide, assisted or otherwise
8. Someone might die
9. It is statistically safer than stapling the softer bits of your face to the business end of a meat cleaver
10. Opera houses operate a strictly no nipple-electrode policy
2. Fat people are funny
3. It is better than lying in a dark cupboard as, by the sound of your own sobbing, you gently piss yourself to sleep. Bye bye dignity
4. Ample opportunities for petty theft
5. You can wear a nice pretty dress
6. There is no opera house in Bradford
7. It will help you clarify your views on suicide, assisted or otherwise
8. Someone might die
9. It is statistically safer than stapling the softer bits of your face to the business end of a meat cleaver
10. Opera houses operate a strictly no nipple-electrode policy
10 documentaries we fully expect to see on Channel Five in the next six months
1. This is your lung
2. Hitler – the morris dancing years
3. Family tragedy colon
4. Behind the scenes: Vegetable on vegetable smackdown. This week Stephen Hawking takes on a rutabaga
5. 60 seconds: French military victories (Director's cut)
6. Hippo porn: A Belgian's guilty pleasure
7. Celebrity death camp
8. When urinals attack
9. Top 10 uses for a cup of shit: A concise history of clemency
10. Paper clips: 10 years on (repeat)
2. Hitler – the morris dancing years
3. Family tragedy colon
4. Behind the scenes: Vegetable on vegetable smackdown. This week Stephen Hawking takes on a rutabaga
5. 60 seconds: French military victories (Director's cut)
6. Hippo porn: A Belgian's guilty pleasure
7. Celebrity death camp
8. When urinals attack
9. Top 10 uses for a cup of shit: A concise history of clemency
10. Paper clips: 10 years on (repeat)
Monday, 16 April 2007
10 things that are of no help whatsoever
1. Gravel.
2. Toothpaste made from butter mixed with clay.
3. 15 yards of viscous human effluent moulded in the shape of an earlobe.
4. A short angry man with a bag of marbles, frequently residing in your shoe.
5. Carl's conceptual arse-ballet in F minor.
6. A daisy chain of tonsils masquerading as a bead curtain.
7. A helicopter made of chickens by chickens, operated at conceptual speeds by a fleet of chihuahuas blocking upo your kitchen sink in a frantic fashion.
8. The collected agony and fear of a butchered nation, stuffed into a jam jar and put in your cupboard – just behind the pickles. Does absolutely (and to some extent, resolutely) nothing for toast.
9. A relief map of Norwich, written in Braille and covered in piss.
10. The last four pages of the technical manual for a Challenger tank, manifested in the form of a contemporary dance (jazz and arse-ballet), performed by a solitary 29 stone incontinence-sufferer dressed only in dry cabbage and a 14p stamp. Answers to the name of 'Jez'.
2. Toothpaste made from butter mixed with clay.
3. 15 yards of viscous human effluent moulded in the shape of an earlobe.
4. A short angry man with a bag of marbles, frequently residing in your shoe.
5. Carl's conceptual arse-ballet in F minor.
6. A daisy chain of tonsils masquerading as a bead curtain.
7. A helicopter made of chickens by chickens, operated at conceptual speeds by a fleet of chihuahuas blocking upo your kitchen sink in a frantic fashion.
8. The collected agony and fear of a butchered nation, stuffed into a jam jar and put in your cupboard – just behind the pickles. Does absolutely (and to some extent, resolutely) nothing for toast.
9. A relief map of Norwich, written in Braille and covered in piss.
10. The last four pages of the technical manual for a Challenger tank, manifested in the form of a contemporary dance (jazz and arse-ballet), performed by a solitary 29 stone incontinence-sufferer dressed only in dry cabbage and a 14p stamp. Answers to the name of 'Jez'.
10 spring health tips designed to make you slimmer
1. Stop using your arms entirely. Once your muscles have fully atrophied you'll no longer be able to drink Guinness or indeed lift anything. Asa result you will starve.
2. Crossbreed a rottweiler with an angry bear and keep it as a pet. Piss it off. Run like hell. Net result: You'll lose weight or die.
3. Replace shower sponge with sandpaper. Over time this will reduce your external circumference by several millimetres and also take off the nasty edges that catch. No one is getting splinter of you, Sonny Jim.
4. Start wearing a corset. Although detrimental to your internal organs and long-term health, it will give the appearance of slimness (Note: “slimness” is a new word. Assimilate into your vocabulary then go get drunk).
5. Purchase a pair of secateurs. Use them to remove any deadwood and baggage, such as earlobes, nipples and little fingers. Combined with the ensuing blood loss you'll be light as a feather in no time.
6. Chop yourself in half. That way each half can eat twice as much. Plus your friends will marvel at the slimmer new you, whilst your fat half goes to work, does the dishes and takes care of matters of defecation.
7. Replace your body with that of one that is slimmer (Note: this procedure can be complicated. Best attempted whilst entirley inebriated and in the comfort of a hospital surroundings).
8. The human body is 70 per cent water. Simply sit in the blazing sun for six months or so, and you will be slimmer than a Shoreditch dandy, whatever that is. What is it Steve?
9. Gravity is a motherfucker. Ignore it.
10. Just fucking eat less. You fat fuck.
2. Crossbreed a rottweiler with an angry bear and keep it as a pet. Piss it off. Run like hell. Net result: You'll lose weight or die.
3. Replace shower sponge with sandpaper. Over time this will reduce your external circumference by several millimetres and also take off the nasty edges that catch. No one is getting splinter of you, Sonny Jim.
4. Start wearing a corset. Although detrimental to your internal organs and long-term health, it will give the appearance of slimness (Note: “slimness” is a new word. Assimilate into your vocabulary then go get drunk).
5. Purchase a pair of secateurs. Use them to remove any deadwood and baggage, such as earlobes, nipples and little fingers. Combined with the ensuing blood loss you'll be light as a feather in no time.
6. Chop yourself in half. That way each half can eat twice as much. Plus your friends will marvel at the slimmer new you, whilst your fat half goes to work, does the dishes and takes care of matters of defecation.
7. Replace your body with that of one that is slimmer (Note: this procedure can be complicated. Best attempted whilst entirley inebriated and in the comfort of a hospital surroundings).
8. The human body is 70 per cent water. Simply sit in the blazing sun for six months or so, and you will be slimmer than a Shoreditch dandy, whatever that is. What is it Steve?
9. Gravity is a motherfucker. Ignore it.
10. Just fucking eat less. You fat fuck.
Friday, 13 April 2007
10 ways to tame a belligerent ocelot
1: Invite it to a dinner dance, and repeatedly comment favourably on its dainty interpretation of the Cha Cha Cha.
2: Force it into a strict regime of self-flagellation interspersed with bouts of uncontrollable melancholy and twice weekly viewing of a BetaMax boxed set of Countdown – series 12.
3: Make it write out “I am a naughty naughty ocelot, and this is quite simply not cricket” 400 times on a blackboard. Repeat on Wednesdays until we run out of the letter W.
4: Immobilise it with handcuffs and a radiator, and then expose it to unsafe levels stabbing. Note: this may kill the ocelot, but a dead ocelot is a tame ocelot.
5: Lock it in a coal cellar with a gang of Columbian transvestites and play Kylie Minogue's “Locomotion” to it on repeat until it starts beeping and asking for its mummy.
6: At selected intervals throughout the day, offer the ocelot the use of your smoothie maker. Then, just as the ocelot is about to enjoy some fruity goo, rescind your offer, brutally, screaming “That's not how it works around here, Buddy”.
7: Ocelots are on average 3% tamer than most 6 by 4 marble worktops. Don't waste your time taming the ocelot, get your sorry arse down to the kitchen shop with a whip, top hat and smoothie maker.
8: Ask the ocelot to fill out an application form to work at McDonalds. When it does not get the job due to its inexperience, lack of formal qualifications and uncontrollable acne, taunt it, mercilessly.
9: Dress it up as a dog. Over time, it may tame itself.
10: Insert the ocelot into an industrial sized washing machine, along with 4 house bricks, 3 pounds of marmalade and a copy of Razzle – Granny Edition from the late 80s. Won't tame the ocelot, but fuck it. It's something to do. Note: May also break washing machine.
Please be aware that 99% of ocelots are untamable. Please ask your ocelot, before engaging in point 4. For further advice, ask your Dad. Or my Dad. But he won't know.
2: Force it into a strict regime of self-flagellation interspersed with bouts of uncontrollable melancholy and twice weekly viewing of a BetaMax boxed set of Countdown – series 12.
3: Make it write out “I am a naughty naughty ocelot, and this is quite simply not cricket” 400 times on a blackboard. Repeat on Wednesdays until we run out of the letter W.
4: Immobilise it with handcuffs and a radiator, and then expose it to unsafe levels stabbing. Note: this may kill the ocelot, but a dead ocelot is a tame ocelot.
5: Lock it in a coal cellar with a gang of Columbian transvestites and play Kylie Minogue's “Locomotion” to it on repeat until it starts beeping and asking for its mummy.
6: At selected intervals throughout the day, offer the ocelot the use of your smoothie maker. Then, just as the ocelot is about to enjoy some fruity goo, rescind your offer, brutally, screaming “That's not how it works around here, Buddy”.
7: Ocelots are on average 3% tamer than most 6 by 4 marble worktops. Don't waste your time taming the ocelot, get your sorry arse down to the kitchen shop with a whip, top hat and smoothie maker.
8: Ask the ocelot to fill out an application form to work at McDonalds. When it does not get the job due to its inexperience, lack of formal qualifications and uncontrollable acne, taunt it, mercilessly.
9: Dress it up as a dog. Over time, it may tame itself.
10: Insert the ocelot into an industrial sized washing machine, along with 4 house bricks, 3 pounds of marmalade and a copy of Razzle – Granny Edition from the late 80s. Won't tame the ocelot, but fuck it. It's something to do. Note: May also break washing machine.
Please be aware that 99% of ocelots are untamable. Please ask your ocelot, before engaging in point 4. For further advice, ask your Dad. Or my Dad. But he won't know.
10 key indicators that your neighbour may be plotting your untimely demise
1: He is currently pointing a gun at you over the fence, shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
2: He rings your doorbell and delivers a heavy, black spherical object with a lit fuse attached and the word bomb written on the side, whilst shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
3: You have been plagued by a non-stationary red dot on your chest for a few hours, whilst in the background you hear your neighbour shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
4: You answer the phone to your neighbour to be greeted with him , shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!” whilst reversing the charges.
5: Your neighbour is distributing leaflets on your street carrying your picture and the words “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!” written in bold.
6: You receive a letter from your neighbour apologising for dismembering your cat as he thought it was you. Signed “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
7: You're woken in the middle of the night by scratching sound. On closer examination the sound is emanating from your front door. It turns out to be your neighbour in the process of trying to stuff landmines through your letterbox.
8: Your neighbour has signed you up to “Euthanasia Quarterly”. However he has replace your last name with “motherfucker” and your first name with “I'm going to kill you”
9: You receive a letter inviting you to a book signing. The book is entitled “you're a motherfucker, and I'm going to kill you” written by your neighbour.
10: You return home from work to find yourself brutally murdered by your neighbour. Because you are dead you fail to hear him exclaim triumphantly ,I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
2: He rings your doorbell and delivers a heavy, black spherical object with a lit fuse attached and the word bomb written on the side, whilst shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
3: You have been plagued by a non-stationary red dot on your chest for a few hours, whilst in the background you hear your neighbour shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
4: You answer the phone to your neighbour to be greeted with him , shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!” whilst reversing the charges.
5: Your neighbour is distributing leaflets on your street carrying your picture and the words “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!” written in bold.
6: You receive a letter from your neighbour apologising for dismembering your cat as he thought it was you. Signed “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
7: You're woken in the middle of the night by scratching sound. On closer examination the sound is emanating from your front door. It turns out to be your neighbour in the process of trying to stuff landmines through your letterbox.
8: Your neighbour has signed you up to “Euthanasia Quarterly”. However he has replace your last name with “motherfucker” and your first name with “I'm going to kill you”
9: You receive a letter inviting you to a book signing. The book is entitled “you're a motherfucker, and I'm going to kill you” written by your neighbour.
10: You return home from work to find yourself brutally murdered by your neighbour. Because you are dead you fail to hear him exclaim triumphantly ,I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
Thursday, 12 April 2007
10 excuses for never having watched E.T.
1: You've been taking a dump for the last 20 years.
2: I am E.T. - why the fuck would I watch a film about myself. Fuck off.
3: You can't tear yourself away from your newly purchased picture of an Abacus (jpeg format).
4: BMX bikes made you feel all funny, in a dirty way, and you don't want people to think that a poorly animated alien is causing any degree of self trouser-yoghurting.
5: Your foot got stuck in a dent the space time continuum, and now you are too confused by the infinity of the multiverse to be bothered with shit like films, and breathing.
6: You are by no means a fan of hospital-based dramas (and are dyslexic).
7: You didn't want to lose your place in the queue.
8: You are protesting that Harrison Ford was not cast in the lead role.
9: You feel really guilty about having perved over Erika Eleniak after she grew up. And also, or perhaps especially, the frogs.
10: You are still harbouring a great deal of disappointment and resentment that they did not release a sequel called E.T.C.
2: I am E.T. - why the fuck would I watch a film about myself. Fuck off.
3: You can't tear yourself away from your newly purchased picture of an Abacus (jpeg format).
4: BMX bikes made you feel all funny, in a dirty way, and you don't want people to think that a poorly animated alien is causing any degree of self trouser-yoghurting.
5: Your foot got stuck in a dent the space time continuum, and now you are too confused by the infinity of the multiverse to be bothered with shit like films, and breathing.
6: You are by no means a fan of hospital-based dramas (and are dyslexic).
7: You didn't want to lose your place in the queue.
8: You are protesting that Harrison Ford was not cast in the lead role.
9: You feel really guilty about having perved over Erika Eleniak after she grew up. And also, or perhaps especially, the frogs.
10: You are still harbouring a great deal of disappointment and resentment that they did not release a sequel called E.T.C.
Wednesday, 11 April 2007
10 reasons to smoke a pipe
1: Sherlock Holmes smoked a pipe. And so should you.
2: When in the mouth, it can act as a human version of the cat's whiskers, facilitating spatial awareness and depth perception in the dark.
3: Indication of uneven territory. For instance, a sudden dull hiss may suggest that you have just fallen into a lake, or particularly deep puddle.
4: Smoking smouldering tobacco directly from the palm of your hand hurts like a mother-fucker.
5: Clay pipes, on reaching the end of their useful lives, may be crushed down and mixed with butter to form a rudimentary toothpaste. Recycling is good.
6: It is cheaper and more sophisticated than gold teeth.
7: Don't diss' pipes, or I'll send Popeye to fuck you up.
8: A pipe is a valuable tool for adding emphasis to arguments by gesticulation, and if necessary can be employed as an offensive weapon should you find yourself in a tight spot and short on firearms to the tune of one.
9: The pleasant aroma can act as a gentle screen to your own flatulence.
10: Smoking a pipe makes it easier to carry off the transition into socks and sandles, drinking beer out of a mug, and ultimately becoming a shot-gun wielding bigot. Huzzah!
2: When in the mouth, it can act as a human version of the cat's whiskers, facilitating spatial awareness and depth perception in the dark.
3: Indication of uneven territory. For instance, a sudden dull hiss may suggest that you have just fallen into a lake, or particularly deep puddle.
4: Smoking smouldering tobacco directly from the palm of your hand hurts like a mother-fucker.
5: Clay pipes, on reaching the end of their useful lives, may be crushed down and mixed with butter to form a rudimentary toothpaste. Recycling is good.
6: It is cheaper and more sophisticated than gold teeth.
7: Don't diss' pipes, or I'll send Popeye to fuck you up.
8: A pipe is a valuable tool for adding emphasis to arguments by gesticulation, and if necessary can be employed as an offensive weapon should you find yourself in a tight spot and short on firearms to the tune of one.
9: The pleasant aroma can act as a gentle screen to your own flatulence.
10: Smoking a pipe makes it easier to carry off the transition into socks and sandles, drinking beer out of a mug, and ultimately becoming a shot-gun wielding bigot. Huzzah!
10 more reasons to smoke a pipe
1: When combined with a magic flying cape, it may allow you to fly. Note: Pipe optional.
2: May be converted to blow bubbles, enabling you to quickly curry favour with a difficult child. Before you drown it.
3: It's a babe-magnet, should you accidentally fall into a bucket full of the 18th century.
4: It's the thinking man's comfort blanket.
5: It'll make your Dad uneasy.
6: Should you be threatened by a pipe-smoking badger, the common interest may buy you the time to barter for your life with tobacco and badger fellatio, or badgellatio.
7: Allows you to laugh in the face of no-smoking signs that only show a crossed-out cigarette. Arise, Sir Pedant.
8: It's more fun that trying to smoke a Christmas hamper full of kestrels.
9: Emptying a pipe by tapping it firmly on the sole of your shoe, is one of life's disappearing pleasures. Like clubbing a seal, or stealing a country.
10: Pipe smoking is the only proven way to produce an adequate quantity of sputum of the necessary taste and viscosity to properly use a spitoon. That makes you a cowboy.
2: May be converted to blow bubbles, enabling you to quickly curry favour with a difficult child. Before you drown it.
3: It's a babe-magnet, should you accidentally fall into a bucket full of the 18th century.
4: It's the thinking man's comfort blanket.
5: It'll make your Dad uneasy.
6: Should you be threatened by a pipe-smoking badger, the common interest may buy you the time to barter for your life with tobacco and badger fellatio, or badgellatio.
7: Allows you to laugh in the face of no-smoking signs that only show a crossed-out cigarette. Arise, Sir Pedant.
8: It's more fun that trying to smoke a Christmas hamper full of kestrels.
9: Emptying a pipe by tapping it firmly on the sole of your shoe, is one of life's disappearing pleasures. Like clubbing a seal, or stealing a country.
10: Pipe smoking is the only proven way to produce an adequate quantity of sputum of the necessary taste and viscosity to properly use a spitoon. That makes you a cowboy.
Tuesday, 10 April 2007
10 things to say to excuse yourself from meetings
We all know attending meetings is boring, soul-destroying and bad for morale (and let's not forget the amount of extra work they generate. Evil). In order to alleviate you of meetingitis we have devised and road-tested ten excuses for cutting your participation in that AGM short.
1. “My piles make sitting down unbearable”
2. “I didn't make bail”
3. “I'm sorry. I seem to have pissed myself”
4. “I've got a beer in the fridge that is about to go off”
5. “I can't be arsed with this crap” (note: not really an excuse but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction)
6. “The world is on fire! Run!”
7. “I went to a similar meeting last week”
8. “There's a body in my front room I have to dispose of before my dog eats it“
9. “I can't possibly proceed on this basis”
10. “Before we start I would like to say how disappointed I am that no one has noticed that I defecated under the conference table”
1. “My piles make sitting down unbearable”
2. “I didn't make bail”
3. “I'm sorry. I seem to have pissed myself”
4. “I've got a beer in the fridge that is about to go off”
5. “I can't be arsed with this crap” (note: not really an excuse but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction)
6. “The world is on fire! Run!”
7. “I went to a similar meeting last week”
8. “There's a body in my front room I have to dispose of before my dog eats it“
9. “I can't possibly proceed on this basis”
10. “Before we start I would like to say how disappointed I am that no one has noticed that I defecated under the conference table”
10 reasonable alternatives to meat
1. Spam
2. Electrocution
3. Vegetables (that is hardly 'reasonable' - Ed.)
4. Oral sex
5. McDonalds
6. Vodka or any other non-meat based distilled spirit
7. Rust
8. Tofu-gravel
9. Uzbekistan
10. Wintersports
2. Electrocution
3. Vegetables (that is hardly 'reasonable' - Ed.)
4. Oral sex
5. McDonalds
6. Vodka or any other non-meat based distilled spirit
7. Rust
8. Tofu-gravel
9. Uzbekistan
10. Wintersports
10 ways to avoid extinction
1: Develop personal immortality skills.
2: Say something. Anything. Pandas don't say much and look at the shit they're in.
3: Manifest yourself only in abstract form.
4: Remove the word "extinction" from your language, rendering "extinction" extinct. Ha. In your face, words.
5: Eat Christopher "Highlander" Lambert.
6: Get bitten by a vampire. Note: First invent vampires.
7: Never dance the "Grim Fandango", even if invited. Note: Also avoid the "Light Fandango". The "Light Fantastic" is fine.
8: Be fucking ugly. No one is going to hunt your for your skin if you look like a scrotum.
9: Refuse to die.
10: Convince the Chinese that your testicles have absolutely no medicinal properties whatsoever.
2: Say something. Anything. Pandas don't say much and look at the shit they're in.
3: Manifest yourself only in abstract form.
4: Remove the word "extinction" from your language, rendering "extinction" extinct. Ha. In your face, words.
5: Eat Christopher "Highlander" Lambert.
6: Get bitten by a vampire. Note: First invent vampires.
7: Never dance the "Grim Fandango", even if invited. Note: Also avoid the "Light Fandango". The "Light Fantastic" is fine.
8: Be fucking ugly. No one is going to hunt your for your skin if you look like a scrotum.
9: Refuse to die.
10: Convince the Chinese that your testicles have absolutely no medicinal properties whatsoever.
10 phrases to allay suspicions of drug abuse
1: "It's for my Mum."
2: "... but I assemble over 10 air fix kits a day."
3: (to Newsagent) "I just happen to like really long cigarettes, ok?"
4: "I'd appreciate it if you'd stop poking fun at my 'tash dandruff, actually."
5: "My dealer ran out of insulin."
6: "But you let the Beatles in!"
7: "No, I am genuinely pleased to see you."
8: "But officer, it's talcum powder. My mice are itchy."
9: "That's great. Do you have pie?"
10: "Sssh. I'm sleeping."
2: "... but I assemble over 10 air fix kits a day."
3: (to Newsagent) "I just happen to like really long cigarettes, ok?"
4: "I'd appreciate it if you'd stop poking fun at my 'tash dandruff, actually."
5: "My dealer ran out of insulin."
6: "But you let the Beatles in!"
7: "No, I am genuinely pleased to see you."
8: "But officer, it's talcum powder. My mice are itchy."
9: "That's great. Do you have pie?"
10: "Sssh. I'm sleeping."
10 activites that are extremely unlikely to kill you
1: Abseiling down the side of a matchbox.
2: Stabbing yourself with a blunt styrofoam cup.
3: Becoming a member of the Rolling Stones.
4: Eating a healthy diet, and taking regular exercise.
5: Smothering yourself without the use of a pillow.
6: Concentrating hard of the end of a biro for 12 minutes.
7: Wearing only beige.
8: Asking yourself some searching questions about the nature of cheese.
9: Attempting to drown yourself in a tiny tiny vat of mashed potato - no larger than a thimble, mind.
10: Appeasement.
2: Stabbing yourself with a blunt styrofoam cup.
3: Becoming a member of the Rolling Stones.
4: Eating a healthy diet, and taking regular exercise.
5: Smothering yourself without the use of a pillow.
6: Concentrating hard of the end of a biro for 12 minutes.
7: Wearing only beige.
8: Asking yourself some searching questions about the nature of cheese.
9: Attempting to drown yourself in a tiny tiny vat of mashed potato - no larger than a thimble, mind.
10: Appeasement.
Thursday, 5 April 2007
10 reasons to be happy about Christians (and maybe other people too) celebrating Easter
1: 4 days off. Nuff said.
2: On Sunday, shit loads of them will be in church, ergo, less people queuing at the bar. Beer served quicker. Nice.
3: The cave they put Jesus' dead body into was sealed with a "rock in the shape of an egg" (this is what they taught me at school, I shit you not) so we get to eat loads of eggs...
4: ... made of chocolate. Obviously. Cocoa is native to the Middle East. Jesus ate it. Who knows. Who cares.
5: If people want to refer to the day their "saviour" got nailed to an ex-tree as "Good" Friday, then they're clearly all mental. Leave 'em to it, and don't fucking mess, I reckon.
6: No Easter means no churches. No churches, no graveyards. No graveyards, nowhere to hide when the police are after you for a dunk and disorderly.
7: It puts people in a good mood. Some geezer's just given me a free coffee - and I don't think he's trying to sleep with me. That shit just doesn't happen when it's snowing.
8: You can't hate it. That would piss off the Easter Bunny. From memory, the Easter Bunny is 6 foot tall, blue, and he'll fuck you up.
9: Kids off school. Kids can easily be bribed or intimidated into fetching you beer from the fridge. Don't let them drink it though or you'll be locked up, and by the time you get bailed out the little bastards'll have drunk the fridge dry.
10: It's a fuck sight easier to get your hands on a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
Note: Eating 6 on the trot will make you puke. This significantly diminished their allure. Feed your children 6 on the trot - then they'll never steal yours again.
2: On Sunday, shit loads of them will be in church, ergo, less people queuing at the bar. Beer served quicker. Nice.
3: The cave they put Jesus' dead body into was sealed with a "rock in the shape of an egg" (this is what they taught me at school, I shit you not) so we get to eat loads of eggs...
4: ... made of chocolate. Obviously. Cocoa is native to the Middle East. Jesus ate it. Who knows. Who cares.
5: If people want to refer to the day their "saviour" got nailed to an ex-tree as "Good" Friday, then they're clearly all mental. Leave 'em to it, and don't fucking mess, I reckon.
6: No Easter means no churches. No churches, no graveyards. No graveyards, nowhere to hide when the police are after you for a dunk and disorderly.
7: It puts people in a good mood. Some geezer's just given me a free coffee - and I don't think he's trying to sleep with me. That shit just doesn't happen when it's snowing.
8: You can't hate it. That would piss off the Easter Bunny. From memory, the Easter Bunny is 6 foot tall, blue, and he'll fuck you up.
9: Kids off school. Kids can easily be bribed or intimidated into fetching you beer from the fridge. Don't let them drink it though or you'll be locked up, and by the time you get bailed out the little bastards'll have drunk the fridge dry.
10: It's a fuck sight easier to get your hands on a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
Note: Eating 6 on the trot will make you puke. This significantly diminished their allure. Feed your children 6 on the trot - then they'll never steal yours again.
Wednesday, 4 April 2007
10 harsh realities that no amount of alcohol or counselling can prepare you for
1: The carrot in your sick is not magic, but is, in fact, the lining of your stomach.
2: You never stop getting hangovers.
3: No one is going to employ you as Action Man (for our American readers (both of you) that's like GI Joe but considerably less rubbish)
4: Winning the lottery is not a viable life plan.
5: At some point you are going to have to iron something.
6: While your nob may not be shrinking, your beer gut is almost certainly growing.
7: Beyonce is NEVER going to sleep with you.
8: Referring to your bank manager as "dude" is not always guaranteed to convince them to extend your overdraft. Again.
9: Learn to like wine. It's gets you more drunk, more cheaply and makes you belch less.
10: Playing the PlayStation while she is asleep does not constitute "foreplay".
2: You never stop getting hangovers.
3: No one is going to employ you as Action Man (for our American readers (both of you) that's like GI Joe but considerably less rubbish)
4: Winning the lottery is not a viable life plan.
5: At some point you are going to have to iron something.
6: While your nob may not be shrinking, your beer gut is almost certainly growing.
7: Beyonce is NEVER going to sleep with you.
8: Referring to your bank manager as "dude" is not always guaranteed to convince them to extend your overdraft. Again.
9: Learn to like wine. It's gets you more drunk, more cheaply and makes you belch less.
10: Playing the PlayStation while she is asleep does not constitute "foreplay".
10 reasons to be thankful that your were not born a domestic cat
1: Opposable digits are a boon when it comes to carrying several beers at once.
2: Licking your own bits is not all it's cracked up to be, and is likely to result in extended bouts of halitosis.
3: I have it on good authority that field mice taste like shit.
4: Getting a pube stuck in your teeth is bad enough. Coughing up balls of fur must suck.
5: I don't care how many out of ten prefer it, cat food still bears more than a passing resemblance to shit mixed with vomit.
6: A life without caffeine or booze is not worth living.
7: The blame for all unattributed smells will be levelled at you.
8: Wearing a flea collar is both degrading and unlikely to get you laid.
9: Chances are you'll have had your bollocks chopped off before you get the chance to use them in anger.
10: The possibility exists that another domestic cat will try to shag you.
That is all.
2: Licking your own bits is not all it's cracked up to be, and is likely to result in extended bouts of halitosis.
3: I have it on good authority that field mice taste like shit.
4: Getting a pube stuck in your teeth is bad enough. Coughing up balls of fur must suck.
5: I don't care how many out of ten prefer it, cat food still bears more than a passing resemblance to shit mixed with vomit.
6: A life without caffeine or booze is not worth living.
7: The blame for all unattributed smells will be levelled at you.
8: Wearing a flea collar is both degrading and unlikely to get you laid.
9: Chances are you'll have had your bollocks chopped off before you get the chance to use them in anger.
10: The possibility exists that another domestic cat will try to shag you.
That is all.
Tuesday, 3 April 2007
10 things to be aware of when returning home drunk
1: A "pile-on" is not as well received at is used to be - housemate's partners tend to be particularly unappreciative.
2: The kettle is no real substitute for a hot water bottle.
3: Leaving a half-eaten kebab to guard the door is not going to help you find your keys.
4: You may have moved house, please check for clues that you still live there, such as a pile of half-eaten kebabs by the door.
5: This may not be the best time to introduce yourself to your neighbours, however opportune the moment may seem.
6: Standing in the middle of the street screaming "Would someone please try to sell me some FUCKING SKUNK" is unlikely to have the desired effect.
7: Pissing in the kitchen sink will not go unnoticed.
8: If you're going to sling porn on the telly, for goodness sake don't fall asleep in front of it.
9: As unpleasant as sleeping in your clothes may be, sleeping naked on the sofa is NOT cool. Note: If you sit on the sofa, even for a second, you will sleep on it.
10: The vomit will most certainly not clean itself.
2: The kettle is no real substitute for a hot water bottle.
3: Leaving a half-eaten kebab to guard the door is not going to help you find your keys.
4: You may have moved house, please check for clues that you still live there, such as a pile of half-eaten kebabs by the door.
5: This may not be the best time to introduce yourself to your neighbours, however opportune the moment may seem.
6: Standing in the middle of the street screaming "Would someone please try to sell me some FUCKING SKUNK" is unlikely to have the desired effect.
7: Pissing in the kitchen sink will not go unnoticed.
8: If you're going to sling porn on the telly, for goodness sake don't fall asleep in front of it.
9: As unpleasant as sleeping in your clothes may be, sleeping naked on the sofa is NOT cool. Note: If you sit on the sofa, even for a second, you will sleep on it.
10: The vomit will most certainly not clean itself.
Monday, 2 April 2007
10 phrases to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses when they knock on your door
1: "Excellent, you're just in time for the orgy of blood. Do come in..."
2: "Are YOU my Daddy?"
3: "Hooray! Someone to play with! You wanna be the doctor or the patient?"
4: "Marjorie, open the dungeon will you ducky? We've caught another one."
5: "I remember you from the before time. You were bad. Have you come to give me back my hat of eyelids?"
6: "You're not the stripper, are you?"
7: "I'm afraid I seem to have wet myself."
8: "You're not a virgin by any chance are you?"
9: "I am Mum-ra the ever-living. You the f*ck are you?"
10: "The Voice told me you would come. I have prepared your chamber. Hurry now, soon the dawn will be upon us and the time of the righteous at hand. Forearmed, and bold of heart, we must fear not. For the pain shall be fleeting, and the glory EVERLASTING!!!! Mwa! MWAHAHAHA!!"
2: "Are YOU my Daddy?"
3: "Hooray! Someone to play with! You wanna be the doctor or the patient?"
4: "Marjorie, open the dungeon will you ducky? We've caught another one."
5: "I remember you from the before time. You were bad. Have you come to give me back my hat of eyelids?"
6: "You're not the stripper, are you?"
7: "I'm afraid I seem to have wet myself."
8: "You're not a virgin by any chance are you?"
9: "I am Mum-ra the ever-living. You the f*ck are you?"
10: "The Voice told me you would come. I have prepared your chamber. Hurry now, soon the dawn will be upon us and the time of the righteous at hand. Forearmed, and bold of heart, we must fear not. For the pain shall be fleeting, and the glory EVERLASTING!!!! Mwa! MWAHAHAHA!!"
Friday, 30 March 2007
10 English phrases whose use should be punishable by death.. Oh, all right, not death. But certainly a nice firm smack in the chops.
1: "Like, the 80s called, they want their /insert slightly elderly item of clothing/ back".
2: "Yuh-huh" ( A combination, I believe, of "Yeah" and "uh-huh" - for people too lazy to choose).
3: "I think I'm starting to like that David Cameron chap"
4: "McFly"
5: "Jeremy Clarkson" (unless it is IMMEDIATELY followed by "Is an insufferable twat")
6: "With respect, Steve, your are wrong".
7: "What a lovely pashmina!!"
8: "Is it in yet?"
9: "Dear Mr. Steve, We regret to inform you that once again you have exceeded your agreed over draft limit, and as such..."
10: "I honestly think England have a real chance of winning the /insert trophy we have not the slightest hope of even qualifying for/..."
2: "Yuh-huh" ( A combination, I believe, of "Yeah" and "uh-huh" - for people too lazy to choose).
3: "I think I'm starting to like that David Cameron chap"
4: "McFly"
5: "Jeremy Clarkson" (unless it is IMMEDIATELY followed by "Is an insufferable twat")
6: "With respect, Steve, your are wrong".
7: "What a lovely pashmina!!"
8: "Is it in yet?"
9: "Dear Mr. Steve, We regret to inform you that once again you have exceeded your agreed over draft limit, and as such..."
10: "I honestly think England have a real chance of winning the /insert trophy we have not the slightest hope of even qualifying for/..."
10 things that the Greeks overlooked when making up gods
1: Brewer's droop
2: Parking spaces (including meters)
3: Facial hair
4: Paper cuts
5: Arseholes
6: Biscuits
7: Contraception
8: Spelling
9: Conkers (for the benefit of our one American reader in Dupont, CA - it's a game where small children attempt to shatter one another's knuckles with overgrown chestnuts covered in glue)
10: Shopping trolleys.
2: Parking spaces (including meters)
3: Facial hair
4: Paper cuts
5: Arseholes
6: Biscuits
7: Contraception
8: Spelling
9: Conkers (for the benefit of our one American reader in Dupont, CA - it's a game where small children attempt to shatter one another's knuckles with overgrown chestnuts covered in glue)
10: Shopping trolleys.
Thursday, 29 March 2007
10 ways to spot when someone is dead
1: When you shout "Stop" they do not instinctively respond with "Hammertime".
2: After a short upsurge in bedtime stamina, their performance between the sheets becomes consistently lacklustre and increasingly distant.
3: Their saxophone playing skills cease to develop at the expected rate.
4: They can sit all the way through Titanic without vomiting.
5: They develop an uncanny knack for winning at Musical Chairs.
6: They never get their round in.
7: Someone puts them in a big wooden box and buries it.
8: White-water kayaking no longer seems to hold them in such a thrall as it used to.
9: They allow the dog to keep humping their leg "to completion".
10: They become the one thing in your flat that smells worse than you do. (NOTE: At this point is is advisable to unchain them from the radiator and spark up the bonfire).
2: After a short upsurge in bedtime stamina, their performance between the sheets becomes consistently lacklustre and increasingly distant.
3: Their saxophone playing skills cease to develop at the expected rate.
4: They can sit all the way through Titanic without vomiting.
5: They develop an uncanny knack for winning at Musical Chairs.
6: They never get their round in.
7: Someone puts them in a big wooden box and buries it.
8: White-water kayaking no longer seems to hold them in such a thrall as it used to.
9: They allow the dog to keep humping their leg "to completion".
10: They become the one thing in your flat that smells worse than you do. (NOTE: At this point is is advisable to unchain them from the radiator and spark up the bonfire).
Wednesday, 28 March 2007
10 things we are yet to find a suitable use for
1: Employment
2: Cushions
3: Carl's Euro 2004 "clappy" hat
4: Windows Vista
5: The White Wine Spritzer
6: Lichtenstein
7: Steve McLaren
8: Non-alcoholic beer
9: Carl's collection of medieval Macedonian capes
10: Penis enlargement devices. (By Steve. That's Steve).
2: Cushions
3: Carl's Euro 2004 "clappy" hat
4: Windows Vista
5: The White Wine Spritzer
6: Lichtenstein
7: Steve McLaren
8: Non-alcoholic beer
9: Carl's collection of medieval Macedonian capes
10: Penis enlargement devices. (By Steve. That's Steve).
10 things you never knew you didn't know about parakeet maintenance
1. A parakeet is actually not as bird;
2. When in the vicinity of Devon custard cream, male parakeets let out effeminate yelps similar in sound to a 1987 Morris Ital going from 2nd to 3rd gear on a gravel surface. Has historically led to gross misunderstandings and several political upsets.
3. Parakeets are not allowed to win the superbowl, despite the recent relaxation of NFL governing rules;
4. Parakeet spelt backwards is, perhaps unsurprisingly, teekarap;
5. A parakeet is the only bird believed to have been present during the signing of the Treaty of Versaille. It was later put down following a bout of dysentery, - the suspicions where firmly laid at the French camp;
6. James Hetfield of Metallica owns and breeds several dead parakeets;
7. The parakeet gets its name from the Moldovian word for 'interoperability';
8. 1 in 3 parakeets suffer from a rare, debilitating and intolerable shyness, often leading to seasonal melancholy and introspection followed by sporadic yodelling;
9. It takes roughly two and two-thirds parakeet to make a feathered glove suitable for the strenuous demands of curling or other such indoor, ice-based sporting ventures;
10. Parakeet pie tastes like shit.
2. When in the vicinity of Devon custard cream, male parakeets let out effeminate yelps similar in sound to a 1987 Morris Ital going from 2nd to 3rd gear on a gravel surface. Has historically led to gross misunderstandings and several political upsets.
3. Parakeets are not allowed to win the superbowl, despite the recent relaxation of NFL governing rules;
4. Parakeet spelt backwards is, perhaps unsurprisingly, teekarap;
5. A parakeet is the only bird believed to have been present during the signing of the Treaty of Versaille. It was later put down following a bout of dysentery, - the suspicions where firmly laid at the French camp;
6. James Hetfield of Metallica owns and breeds several dead parakeets;
7. The parakeet gets its name from the Moldovian word for 'interoperability';
8. 1 in 3 parakeets suffer from a rare, debilitating and intolerable shyness, often leading to seasonal melancholy and introspection followed by sporadic yodelling;
9. It takes roughly two and two-thirds parakeet to make a feathered glove suitable for the strenuous demands of curling or other such indoor, ice-based sporting ventures;
10. Parakeet pie tastes like shit.
10 things you can't do on eBay
1: Swim
2: Sell your immortal soul
3: Mix butter with clay
4: Calculate the half-life of your pants
5: Calculate the half-life of anyone else's pants
6: Stick it to the man
7: Reverse the aging process
8: Get your household waste to compost down to a really good loam
9: Rob George Bush (Jnr) of his capacity to further contribute to the gene pool
10: Abseil down a moat (Note: This can't be done outside of eBay either)
2: Sell your immortal soul
3: Mix butter with clay
4: Calculate the half-life of your pants
5: Calculate the half-life of anyone else's pants
6: Stick it to the man
7: Reverse the aging process
8: Get your household waste to compost down to a really good loam
9: Rob George Bush (Jnr) of his capacity to further contribute to the gene pool
10: Abseil down a moat (Note: This can't be done outside of eBay either)
10 words we'd like to use more
1: Rambunctious
2: Gauleiter
3: Nipple-clamp (there's a hyphen in it, I tell you!)
4: Masthead
5: Ululation
6: Moist
7: No
8: Flange
9: Sesquipedalian
10: Clutter (a happy union of clay and butter)
2: Gauleiter
3: Nipple-clamp (there's a hyphen in it, I tell you!)
4: Masthead
5: Ululation
6: Moist
7: No
8: Flange
9: Sesquipedalian
10: Clutter (a happy union of clay and butter)
10 suggestively-named foodstuffs
1: Jerk chicken
2: Hobnob
3: Coq au vin
4: Birdseye Tangy Beef Pocket
5: Chocolate fingers
6: Fish fingers
7: Teabags
8: Nuter Butter
9: Fudge
10: Chocolate starfish
2: Hobnob
3: Coq au vin
4: Birdseye Tangy Beef Pocket
5: Chocolate fingers
6: Fish fingers
7: Teabags
8: Nuter Butter
9: Fudge
10: Chocolate starfish
Tuesday, 27 March 2007
10 things that are untrue of "swarfega"
1: It is an anagram of "chip fat motherfucker"
2: It has just enough letters to be tatooed across your knuckles
3: It is a suitable bed-time lubricant
4: 8 out of 10 cats prefer it
5: It is made out of freshly massacred puppies
6: It is the "secret ingredient" the Colonel's "secret" recipe - and as such is finger lickin' good.
7: It occurs no less than 15 times in the Belgian national anthem
8: A dog named after it invented the Spinning Jenny
9: Its favourite colour is pink
10: It votes Conservative
For more information on swarfega, please click here:
Wikipedia Swarfega page (yes, there is one)
2: It has just enough letters to be tatooed across your knuckles
3: It is a suitable bed-time lubricant
4: 8 out of 10 cats prefer it
5: It is made out of freshly massacred puppies
6: It is the "secret ingredient" the Colonel's "secret" recipe - and as such is finger lickin' good.
7: It occurs no less than 15 times in the Belgian national anthem
8: A dog named after it invented the Spinning Jenny
9: Its favourite colour is pink
10: It votes Conservative
For more information on swarfega, please click here:
Wikipedia Swarfega page (yes, there is one)
10 ways to improve the game of golf
We all know playing golf is trite, shite and devoid of delight. It should, as a rule, be avoided at all costs as a form of recreation or indeed for any other purposes. Here's ten suggestions that we believe will revolutionise the game.
1. Fill all bunkers with liquid hot magma (or boiling tar should the course find itself some distance from a volcano or magma-store)
2. Summarily shoot anyone who shouts “get in the hole”
3. Replace the hole with the sandmonster from Star Wars
4. Replace the ball with a well-crafted lump of dynamite
5. Publish notices on all golf courses forbidding the act of donning clothes to look like someone's dad
6. Award points for artistic merit
7. All golf clubs should be constructed from materials relating to the clubs' names, except the putter which should be gently fabricated from butter mixed with clay
8. Golfers should be made to wash their hands before, during and after putting, preferably in a manner that suggests some familiarity with the lewd mannerisms of an ageing Uzbek sailor
9. Strip golf should be invented
10. Colin Montgomery should instantly be banned from playing strip golf
1. Fill all bunkers with liquid hot magma (or boiling tar should the course find itself some distance from a volcano or magma-store)
2. Summarily shoot anyone who shouts “get in the hole”
3. Replace the hole with the sandmonster from Star Wars
4. Replace the ball with a well-crafted lump of dynamite
5. Publish notices on all golf courses forbidding the act of donning clothes to look like someone's dad
6. Award points for artistic merit
7. All golf clubs should be constructed from materials relating to the clubs' names, except the putter which should be gently fabricated from butter mixed with clay
8. Golfers should be made to wash their hands before, during and after putting, preferably in a manner that suggests some familiarity with the lewd mannerisms of an ageing Uzbek sailor
9. Strip golf should be invented
10. Colin Montgomery should instantly be banned from playing strip golf
10 things that should be uninvented and suggestions for their replacements
1. Those crappy little scooters. To be replaced with hooverboards
2. Work. To be replaced with time off
3. Hangover. To be replaced with the Hungover, where drinking alcohol increases the size of your penis/breasts/vulva
4. Mornings. To be replaced with double-length afternoons (this is to have no bearing on cultural morning time icons such as Jeremy Kyle, whose topical low-brow discussion programme is to be aired as normal)
5. Conversation. To be replaced with sex (or derivatives thereof)
6. Unhealthy food. To be replaced with food that has all the qualities and characteristics of unhealthy food whilst being completely healthy
7. Street performers. To be replaced with golden statues of Steve
8. Problems. To be replaced with saline solutions, or 'fun' things
9. War. To be replaced with a cueing competition because the British will win
10. Spelling of the word “cue”. To be replaced with “queue” (can be done retroactively,- see point 9)
2. Work. To be replaced with time off
3. Hangover. To be replaced with the Hungover, where drinking alcohol increases the size of your penis/breasts/vulva
4. Mornings. To be replaced with double-length afternoons (this is to have no bearing on cultural morning time icons such as Jeremy Kyle, whose topical low-brow discussion programme is to be aired as normal)
5. Conversation. To be replaced with sex (or derivatives thereof)
6. Unhealthy food. To be replaced with food that has all the qualities and characteristics of unhealthy food whilst being completely healthy
7. Street performers. To be replaced with golden statues of Steve
8. Problems. To be replaced with saline solutions, or 'fun' things
9. War. To be replaced with a cueing competition because the British will win
10. Spelling of the word “cue”. To be replaced with “queue” (can be done retroactively,- see point 9)
Monday, 26 March 2007
10 theme parks that should never be
1: Colonectomy Land
2: Barbara Streis-Land
3: The Wonderful World of Salmonella
4: Dyslexia Them Perk
5: Michael Jackson's Kiddie Paradise (no, wait... Neverland?)
6: Kevin Keegan's Barnet Fair
7: Ragnarok Armageddon Fun Park
8: Guantanamo Towers
9: Slurry World (now incorporating the Gravel Zone)
10: Steve Irwin's Stingray Water Park
2: Barbara Streis-Land
3: The Wonderful World of Salmonella
4: Dyslexia Them Perk
5: Michael Jackson's Kiddie Paradise (no, wait... Neverland?)
6: Kevin Keegan's Barnet Fair
7: Ragnarok Armageddon Fun Park
8: Guantanamo Towers
9: Slurry World (now incorporating the Gravel Zone)
10: Steve Irwin's Stingray Water Park
10 things that doesn't rhyme with 'lisp'
We all know writing prose is a cumbersome, perspiration-inducing and pointless exercise that should only be attempted when a) drunk, b) in love or c) when there's nothing on telly, you haven't eaten for days and the lack of visual stimuli and sustenance leads you to believe that Gaulois-puffin', beret-sporting intellectual beatsters who give a shit about poetry actually exist and should be fed morsels of rhyme from the pool of prosaic malnourishment.
For all other occasions, here's a list of ten things that doesn't rhyme with the word 'lisp' (accompanied by a picture of a French marine for no particular reason):
1. abrasive;
2. kennel;
3. 37
4. didactic;
5. booklet;
6. the Gothenburg principle;
7. plausible;
8. the sound of a thousand beaks rattling in a Morrison's bag;
9. mustard;
10. the fight for Flemish interdependence, 1876-1875
"French Marine Cleaning His Pouch Using Butter and Clay"
Jean-Bruillard Degenera't 1876
For all other occasions, here's a list of ten things that doesn't rhyme with the word 'lisp' (accompanied by a picture of a French marine for no particular reason):
1. abrasive;
2. kennel;
3. 37
4. didactic;
5. booklet;
6. the Gothenburg principle;
7. plausible;
8. the sound of a thousand beaks rattling in a Morrison's bag;
9. mustard;
10. the fight for Flemish interdependence, 1876-1875
"French Marine Cleaning His Pouch Using Butter and Clay"
Jean-Bruillard Degenera't 1876
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
10 things they should have taught you in school
We all know going to school is tantamount to taking all semblances of the human spirit, grinding them down and moulding the naïve gooey remains into the shape of a dysfunctional adult. It is like work but without the realism. Here's a hastily compiled list of things they should have taught us in school that for some reason were omitted from the curriculum:
1. It doesn't really matter if the earth is flat or round. You will still be required to get a job.
2. Being alive is, generally, a series of failures, unfulfilled desires and remembering to take the trash out on Thursdays. Biology currently does not go far enough in accounting for this phenomenon.
3. Calculators are actually easier to use than mental arithmentic, and frequently give a more accurate result.
4. Negative numbers are, for all intents and purposes, only useful as a measure of how much debt you're in at any given point.
5. Failure to hand in homework on time does not in any way increase the likelihood of getting prostate cancer, affect one's ability to successfully navigate through IKEA on a Saturday afternoon or help elucidate the meaning of life.
6. Having a job is an awful, protracted experience only surpassed by dementia and poorly-run care homes.
7. Miracles seldom, if at all, happen. Especially not to you.
8. Latin is a useless subject, the knowledge of which will never prove handy in any situation outside of the British Museum.
9. Denial works.
10. Violence does frequently solve things.
1. It doesn't really matter if the earth is flat or round. You will still be required to get a job.
2. Being alive is, generally, a series of failures, unfulfilled desires and remembering to take the trash out on Thursdays. Biology currently does not go far enough in accounting for this phenomenon.
3. Calculators are actually easier to use than mental arithmentic, and frequently give a more accurate result.
4. Negative numbers are, for all intents and purposes, only useful as a measure of how much debt you're in at any given point.
5. Failure to hand in homework on time does not in any way increase the likelihood of getting prostate cancer, affect one's ability to successfully navigate through IKEA on a Saturday afternoon or help elucidate the meaning of life.
6. Having a job is an awful, protracted experience only surpassed by dementia and poorly-run care homes.
7. Miracles seldom, if at all, happen. Especially not to you.
8. Latin is a useless subject, the knowledge of which will never prove handy in any situation outside of the British Museum.
9. Denial works.
10. Violence does frequently solve things.
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