1. Stop using your arms entirely. Once your muscles have fully atrophied you'll no longer be able to drink Guinness or indeed lift anything. Asa result you will starve.
2. Crossbreed a rottweiler with an angry bear and keep it as a pet. Piss it off. Run like hell. Net result: You'll lose weight or die.
3. Replace shower sponge with sandpaper. Over time this will reduce your external circumference by several millimetres and also take off the nasty edges that catch. No one is getting splinter of you, Sonny Jim.
4. Start wearing a corset. Although detrimental to your internal organs and long-term health, it will give the appearance of slimness (Note: “slimness” is a new word. Assimilate into your vocabulary then go get drunk).
5. Purchase a pair of secateurs. Use them to remove any deadwood and baggage, such as earlobes, nipples and little fingers. Combined with the ensuing blood loss you'll be light as a feather in no time.
6. Chop yourself in half. That way each half can eat twice as much. Plus your friends will marvel at the slimmer new you, whilst your fat half goes to work, does the dishes and takes care of matters of defecation.
7. Replace your body with that of one that is slimmer (Note: this procedure can be complicated. Best attempted whilst entirley inebriated and in the comfort of a hospital surroundings).
8. The human body is 70 per cent water. Simply sit in the blazing sun for six months or so, and you will be slimmer than a Shoreditch dandy, whatever that is. What is it Steve?
9. Gravity is a motherfucker. Ignore it.
10. Just fucking eat less. You fat fuck.
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