10 useful facts about pike (the toothy fish, not a big stick – because it pleases Steve)

1. A pike, during rigor mortis, may be adequately ledged in a door frame as a chin-up bar. Note: Post-rigor mortis, flaccid, pike are unsuitable
2. Pikes make trusty pets. It is a little-known fact that Napoleon himself kept a stuffed pike named Graham, whom he would take out to dinner and the theater, regale with anecdotes on the subject of penicillin, and lick softly when he felt alone
3. The cassette edition of Now That Is What I Call Music 23 contained trace elements of pike
4. When combined with 300 Belgians, a yard of displeasing sand and an inflatable map of Uruguay, the pike can form the basis of several elaborate practical jokes
5. The wheel may or may not have been the brainchild of a Scottish pike
6. The American constitution was briefly written in pike
7. Jesus's unknown 13th disciple was presumably not a phlegmatic pike answering to the name of Trevor
8. Pike is an anagram of kepi, a type of French hat
9. It is easy to confuse a pike
10. Pikes are our friends. Offer your neighbourhood pike money, but do not insert your cock in its mouth (besides the ethical issues raised here, fish and fowl should never intertwine)
“I just love pikes, man” (Carlsson)