10 reasons to smoke a pipe

1: Sherlock Holmes smoked a pipe. And so should you.
2: When in the mouth, it can act as a human version of the cat's whiskers, facilitating spatial awareness and depth perception in the dark.
3: Indication of uneven territory. For instance, a sudden dull hiss may suggest that you have just fallen into a lake, or particularly deep puddle.
4: Smoking smouldering tobacco directly from the palm of your hand hurts like a mother-fucker.
5: Clay pipes, on reaching the end of their useful lives, may be crushed down and mixed with butter to form a rudimentary toothpaste. Recycling is good.
6: It is cheaper and more sophisticated than gold teeth.
7: Don't diss' pipes, or I'll send Popeye to fuck you up.
8: A pipe is a valuable tool for adding emphasis to arguments by gesticulation, and if necessary can be employed as an offensive weapon should you find yourself in a tight spot and short on firearms to the tune of one.
9: The pleasant aroma can act as a gentle screen to your own flatulence.
10: Smoking a pipe makes it easier to carry off the transition into socks and sandles, drinking beer out of a mug, and ultimately becoming a shot-gun wielding bigot. Huzzah!