10 ways to like, you know, relax maaaan

1. Write the words 'cock and balls' at the top of every page of the Collins Pocket Guide to Woodland Fungi;
2. Give yourself a zesty marmalade rub down. Thick cut conserve is best;
3. Buy some heroin and a warm can of ironically named 'Tenants', and then lie in the road shouting obscenities at passing mice;
4. Wear a particularly soothing hat. Note: hat optional;
5. Recreate the battle of Arnhem using Brylcreem and possibly advice from your mate's nan. If that doesn't relax you nothing will;
6. Don't buy Razzle. It is shit;
7. Rediscover gravel. Can be most satisfying when undertaken waist deep in novelty treacle;
8. Lend £5 to a duck. Its gentle quacks of appreciation will make you feel all special. Note: duck optional;
9. As in point 7, however with some changes. Or not. Doesn't matter, as long as you relax. Just fucking relax! Or not;
10. Wear beige briefs;
Note: none of the above work. Except the bit about wearing beige briefs. Essentially a combination of soft drugs and gentle masturbation is what you're looking for here. Now go away.