Ten ways to avoid a recurring infestation of melancholic mink

Well, what do you think this article is about?



1. Surround yourself with pink fluffy marshmallows, for they are the nemesis of the mink;
2. Wash all minkable surfaces in a generous mixture of bleach, diluted despair and 200 litres of industrial anti-mink;
3. Place an announcement on Facemink, Minkspace, BeMink and other mink social networking sites declaring the unavailability and unsuitability of your premises as a place for recurring or even sporadic infestations of mink;
4. Shoot yourself repeatedly with a gun until dead. It won’t avoid a recurring infestation of melancholic mink, but by then you won’t care (note: this advice is fucking brilliant! It applies to almost every problem ever conceived, devised or encountered. Where’s my knighthood?);
5. Surround yourself with Monks, hence using up all available examples of the letters 'm', 'n' and 'k' and leaving none to be occupied by stray disgruntled members of the Mustelidae family;
6. Convert to Christianity and let Jesus sort it out (note: at time of going to press, it remains uncertain to what extent Jesus, His Lord or whatever other schizophrenic moniker he goes by these days has any jurisdiction over the voluntary mink Diaspora, but as they say, that is His problem);
7. Fight fire with fire and start to infest (with recurring frequency) any abode or other such dwellings known to house concentrations of melancholic mink on the brink of leaving for nefarious purposes. They’ll be too scared to leave in case you have decided to take over their homes or plan to return sometime later for the same purpose in a recurring fashion or indeed manner. Dress in overalls smeared with mink-repellent just to piss them off. Note: may still result in a recurring infestation of melancholic mink. This advice may prove not to work at all. It's pretty much all conjecture until someone tries it, and we sure as hell won't. We're simply too lazy. Besides I'm 32% mink;
8. Create a large wooden see-saw (in the order of 100ft in length). On one end gather together yourself, your home and all your belongings. Drop a double decker bus full of rhinos on the other end. Problem solved. Mink cannot fly.
9. Have your butler politely ask them to leave;
10. Dig a bottomless pit in your home and place signpost pointing towards the pit with the words “Mink? Recurring? Come this way” written in pensive hues, accompanied by a smaller sign underneath saying “life is depressing”. It may seem a cruel trick to play, but trust us, once you’ve had recurring infestations of melancholic mink, any considerations of such nature become wholly obsolete and almost insulting.


Queen Victoria was famusly said to have an odour akin to that of recurring melancholic mink. This in some way explains her bad smell. Also, she was fairly ugly, which didn't help. Ugly but rich.