10 unpleasant euphemisms for the male ejaculate

1. there goes another teenage pregnancy;
2. lubricant of life;
3. lady liqueur;
4. eau de pee-pee;
5. pricksap;
6. cock-icing (on the cake);
7. snout sauce;
8. a breath of fresh air;
9. vin au coq;
10. man custard (as used by Ramon Cackhoul'e, pictured)

10 things not to say to a customer when things go wrong

1. (fingers in ears) LALALALALALALALALA – not listening - LALALALALALA
2. The easiest way for me to fix this is for you to fix it.
3. I have fucked up bigger projects than this.
4. Do I look like someone who cares?
5. I am not paid enough to fix this.
6. Who are you?
7. If you are religous, start praying.. if not we are up shit creek without a paddle.
8. You can borrow my mobile to call someone who cares.
9. Don't blame me, you hired me, blame yourself......prick
10. Normally when this happens I go to the pub.

10 suggestions to assist in bringing a dull conversation to an abrupt close

1: When I pee it stings, and I can smell smoke.
2: Must dash, the bunnies won't suffocate themselves, you know!!
3: I'm your mommy now.
4: Is it time to let Captain Trouser-Tinkle out yet?
5: Did you know that the number 69 has the property that n2 and n3 all together contain each digit once: 69 * 69 = 4,761 and 69 * 69 * 69 = 328,509.
6: Sorry, are your ears made of spam jelly? Mine are.
7: Mooooooooo.
8: Is it safe to cook mince in a microwave? Also, have you seen my potato?
9: Shh. Can you hear that? IT's the sound of the woof-ferret. Run!!
10: Oh, just fuck off, will you?

10 unsuitable names for a Quail

1: Kevin.
2: Geoff.
3: Administrator.
4: Seven.
5: "!".
6: Birdman.
7: Sue-Ellen.
8: Pongo.
9: Duck.
10: The St. Mary's Friends and Provident Stadium, Southampton.

10 fitting names for a Quail

1: MordeQuail
2: Philip
3: Ximones
4: Cassandra smells (of Quail)
5: Quail
6: Quail, also.
7: King Ramtut Nameses III, Ruler of All Egypt. Quail.
8: Q-Diddy.
9: Kway - El.
10: Quentin Uriah Iannis Andromac Lychee (Quail).

10 famous quails

Not including MC Quail of "You can't Quail this. Stop! Quail Time" fame (pictured)

1: Flaubert's Quail (deceased due to parrot costume-related asphyxiation)
2: Yankee Doodle Quail (Quail. Deceased. Eaten by another, slightly bigger Quail)
3: Big Quail (deceased, due to undigested quail. See Quail 2)
4: Le Quail (Deceased. Drowned in shallow vat of brandy, in France. Although the French have no word for shallow, so how they told anyone remains a mystery. Quail)
5: Captain Quail (Deceased. Suicide, post demotion to Lieutenant. Invented Monopoly (Quail Edition). Quail)
6: J. F. Quail (deceased. Suicide as a direct result of being shot firmly in the head with a gun. Now a famous airport and Quail sanctuary. Quail)
7: Dave "QuailStrike" Quail V.C. (Deceased. War Hero. Flew into jet engine. Then fell off cliff. Wrote Portuguese poetry inspired by the Life of the Quail)
8: King Quail (deceased. Shot from top of Empire State Building after excellent gorilla impression. Notorious drunk and teller of fibs)
9: Quail Darwin (deceased, due to evolution. And typhoid. First Quail to prove that Quails descended from monkeys, and not, as previously suspected, from Quails)
10: Atta Quail. (Deceased. First leader of Turkey - now known as Quail.) Quail.

10 useful facts about pike (the toothy fish, not a big stick – because it pleases Steve)

1. A pike, during rigor mortis, may be adequately ledged in a door frame as a chin-up bar. Note: Post-rigor mortis, flaccid, pike are unsuitable
2. Pikes make trusty pets. It is a little-known fact that Napoleon himself kept a stuffed pike named Graham, whom he would take out to dinner and the theater, regale with anecdotes on the subject of penicillin, and lick softly when he felt alone
3. The cassette edition of Now That Is What I Call Music 23 contained trace elements of pike
4. When combined with 300 Belgians, a yard of displeasing sand and an inflatable map of Uruguay, the pike can form the basis of several elaborate practical jokes
5. The wheel may or may not have been the brainchild of a Scottish pike
6. The American constitution was briefly written in pike
7. Jesus's unknown 13th disciple was presumably not a phlegmatic pike answering to the name of Trevor
8. Pike is an anagram of kepi, a type of French hat
9. It is easy to confuse a pike
10. Pikes are our friends. Offer your neighbourhood pike money, but do not insert your cock in its mouth (besides the ethical issues raised here, fish and fowl should never intertwine)
“I just love pikes, man” (Carlsson)

10 axioms for modern day living in Tower Hamlets

1. Cider is the breakfast of champions. And tramps
2. Indulging in two unhealthy acts simultaneously makes them cancel each other out. Let us furnish you with an example: A breakfast of 20 Lambert and Butler and a KFC bargain bucket will not kill you. Note: Some of the above is untrue and therefore of dubious factual content
3. Ginger children are further down the social hierarchy than tramps. Act accordingly.
4. Crime pays
5. “I is going to read a books, innit?”. No you're not. Fuck off.
6. An off-licence without a security cage is a rare and splendid thing
7. If you're under 15 and own a bored-out stolen scooter, you are exempt from adhering to the Highway Code, the education system and responsible parenting
8. Please show your pants at all times. IF this means wearing your tracksuit bottoms around your knees at all times so be it. Note: It will make it difficult to run after the twat who just stole your scooter
9. Please take your children to Tesco's and beat them
10. Stealing, taking drugs and amassing ASBOs is the surest path to getting a free council house

10 shit things about getting old

1. Your missus is probably tucking her tits into her belt
2. An erection is only a thing that prevents you from falling out of bed in the morning
3. No one fucking cares...
4. ...and yet it is still both your fault and problem
5. Regularly pissing yourself is not all it is cracked up to be and colostomy bags are grim
6. Granny porn is rubbish and more than a little sinister
7. Your swimsuit modelling days are over
8. Surgical stockings are unlikely to help you score (unless you're after medication for brittle bones or morphine)
9. Your underpants will be older than the nurse trying to remove them to change your colostomy
10. Your flirting is now referred to as "letching"

10 good things about being a year older

1. You are one year closer to the invention of the hoverboard
2. Research has shown that your genitals do not shrink with age
3. The older you are, the more children there are around you, whose hopes and aspirations you can shatter on a whim. Bring it!
4. With age comes social impunity. Only an elderly person can sit on a bus, shit themselves and then loudly blame it on someone else
5. You can finally order that Eau de Piss et Cabbage cologne you've been longing for all these years
6. Slippers become a day shoe
7. When you've got no hair, a beer gut, incontinence and toenails reminiscent of dessicated turds - no fucker is going to try and get you to sign up to a charity in the middle of the street, nor are they going to offer you a shitty free paper you don't particularly want to read
8. Singing to yourself at the bus stop is no longer likely to result in you getting stabbed
9. You get to use words like "whipper-snapper", "rap-scallion" and "rambunctious" and call people in their 40s "young man"
10. Fatigue is now a valid excuse

10 reasons to go to the opera

1. They have a bar
2. Fat people are funny
3. It is better than lying in a dark cupboard as, by the sound of your own sobbing, you gently piss yourself to sleep. Bye bye dignity
4. Ample opportunities for petty theft
5. You can wear a nice pretty dress
6. There is no opera house in Bradford
7. It will help you clarify your views on suicide, assisted or otherwise
8. Someone might die
9. It is statistically safer than stapling the softer bits of your face to the business end of a meat cleaver
10. Opera houses operate a strictly no nipple-electrode policy

10 documentaries we fully expect to see on Channel Five in the next six months

1. This is your lung
2. Hitler – the morris dancing years
3. Family tragedy colon
4. Behind the scenes: Vegetable on vegetable smackdown. This week Stephen Hawking takes on a rutabaga
5. 60 seconds: French military victories (Director's cut)
6. Hippo porn: A Belgian's guilty pleasure
7. Celebrity death camp
8. When urinals attack
9. Top 10 uses for a cup of shit: A concise history of clemency
10. Paper clips: 10 years on (repeat)

10 things that are of no help whatsoever

1. Gravel.
2. Toothpaste made from butter mixed with clay.
3. 15 yards of viscous human effluent moulded in the shape of an earlobe.
4. A short angry man with a bag of marbles, frequently residing in your shoe.
5. Carl's conceptual arse-ballet in F minor.
6. A daisy chain of tonsils masquerading as a bead curtain.
7. A helicopter made of chickens by chickens, operated at conceptual speeds by a fleet of chihuahuas blocking upo your kitchen sink in a frantic fashion.
8. The collected agony and fear of a butchered nation, stuffed into a jam jar and put in your cupboard – just behind the pickles. Does absolutely (and to some extent, resolutely) nothing for toast.
9. A relief map of Norwich, written in Braille and covered in piss.
10. The last four pages of the technical manual for a Challenger tank, manifested in the form of a contemporary dance (jazz and arse-ballet), performed by a solitary 29 stone incontinence-sufferer dressed only in dry cabbage and a 14p stamp. Answers to the name of 'Jez'.

10 spring health tips designed to make you slimmer

1. Stop using your arms entirely. Once your muscles have fully atrophied you'll no longer be able to drink Guinness or indeed lift anything. Asa result you will starve.
2. Crossbreed a rottweiler with an angry bear and keep it as a pet. Piss it off. Run like hell. Net result: You'll lose weight or die.
3. Replace shower sponge with sandpaper. Over time this will reduce your external circumference by several millimetres and also take off the nasty edges that catch. No one is getting splinter of you, Sonny Jim.
4. Start wearing a corset. Although detrimental to your internal organs and long-term health, it will give the appearance of slimness (Note: “slimness” is a new word. Assimilate into your vocabulary then go get drunk).
5. Purchase a pair of secateurs. Use them to remove any deadwood and baggage, such as earlobes, nipples and little fingers. Combined with the ensuing blood loss you'll be light as a feather in no time.
6. Chop yourself in half. That way each half can eat twice as much. Plus your friends will marvel at the slimmer new you, whilst your fat half goes to work, does the dishes and takes care of matters of defecation.
7. Replace your body with that of one that is slimmer (Note: this procedure can be complicated. Best attempted whilst entirley inebriated and in the comfort of a hospital surroundings).
8. The human body is 70 per cent water. Simply sit in the blazing sun for six months or so, and you will be slimmer than a Shoreditch dandy, whatever that is. What is it Steve?
9. Gravity is a motherfucker. Ignore it.
10. Just fucking eat less. You fat fuck.

10 ways to tame a belligerent ocelot

1: Invite it to a dinner dance, and repeatedly comment favourably on its dainty interpretation of the Cha Cha Cha.
2: Force it into a strict regime of self-flagellation interspersed with bouts of uncontrollable melancholy and twice weekly viewing of a BetaMax boxed set of Countdown – series 12.
3: Make it write out “I am a naughty naughty ocelot, and this is quite simply not cricket” 400 times on a blackboard. Repeat on Wednesdays until we run out of the letter W.
4: Immobilise it with handcuffs and a radiator, and then expose it to unsafe levels stabbing. Note: this may kill the ocelot, but a dead ocelot is a tame ocelot.
5: Lock it in a coal cellar with a gang of Columbian transvestites and play Kylie Minogue's “Locomotion” to it on repeat until it starts beeping and asking for its mummy.
6: At selected intervals throughout the day, offer the ocelot the use of your smoothie maker. Then, just as the ocelot is about to enjoy some fruity goo, rescind your offer, brutally, screaming “That's not how it works around here, Buddy”.
7: Ocelots are on average 3% tamer than most 6 by 4 marble worktops. Don't waste your time taming the ocelot, get your sorry arse down to the kitchen shop with a whip, top hat and smoothie maker.
8: Ask the ocelot to fill out an application form to work at McDonalds. When it does not get the job due to its inexperience, lack of formal qualifications and uncontrollable acne, taunt it, mercilessly.
9: Dress it up as a dog. Over time, it may tame itself.
10: Insert the ocelot into an industrial sized washing machine, along with 4 house bricks, 3 pounds of marmalade and a copy of Razzle – Granny Edition from the late 80s. Won't tame the ocelot, but fuck it. It's something to do. Note: May also break washing machine.

Please be aware that 99% of ocelots are untamable. Please ask your ocelot, before engaging in point 4. For further advice, ask your Dad. Or my Dad. But he won't know.

10 key indicators that your neighbour may be plotting your untimely demise

1: He is currently pointing a gun at you over the fence, shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
2: He rings your doorbell and delivers a heavy, black spherical object with a lit fuse attached and the word bomb written on the side, whilst shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
3: You have been plagued by a non-stationary red dot on your chest for a few hours, whilst in the background you hear your neighbour shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
4: You answer the phone to your neighbour to be greeted with him , shouting “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!” whilst reversing the charges.
5: Your neighbour is distributing leaflets on your street carrying your picture and the words “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!” written in bold.
6: You receive a letter from your neighbour apologising for dismembering your cat as he thought it was you. Signed “I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”
7: You're woken in the middle of the night by scratching sound. On closer examination the sound is emanating from your front door. It turns out to be your neighbour in the process of trying to stuff landmines through your letterbox.
8: Your neighbour has signed you up to “Euthanasia Quarterly”. However he has replace your last name with “motherfucker” and your first name with “I'm going to kill you”
9: You receive a letter inviting you to a book signing. The book is entitled “you're a motherfucker, and I'm going to kill you” written by your neighbour.
10: You return home from work to find yourself brutally murdered by your neighbour. Because you are dead you fail to hear him exclaim triumphantly ,I'm going to fucking kill you, mother fucker!”

10 excuses for never having watched E.T.

1: You've been taking a dump for the last 20 years.
2: I am E.T. - why the fuck would I watch a film about myself. Fuck off.
3: You can't tear yourself away from your newly purchased picture of an Abacus (jpeg format).
4: BMX bikes made you feel all funny, in a dirty way, and you don't want people to think that a poorly animated alien is causing any degree of self trouser-yoghurting.
5: Your foot got stuck in a dent the space time continuum, and now you are too confused by the infinity of the multiverse to be bothered with shit like films, and breathing.
6: You are by no means a fan of hospital-based dramas (and are dyslexic).
7: You didn't want to lose your place in the queue.
8: You are protesting that Harrison Ford was not cast in the lead role.
9: You feel really guilty about having perved over Erika Eleniak after she grew up. And also, or perhaps especially, the frogs.
10: You are still harbouring a great deal of disappointment and resentment that they did not release a sequel called E.T.C.

10 reasons to smoke a pipe

1: Sherlock Holmes smoked a pipe. And so should you.
2: When in the mouth, it can act as a human version of the cat's whiskers, facilitating spatial awareness and depth perception in the dark.
3: Indication of uneven territory. For instance, a sudden dull hiss may suggest that you have just fallen into a lake, or particularly deep puddle.
4: Smoking smouldering tobacco directly from the palm of your hand hurts like a mother-fucker.
5: Clay pipes, on reaching the end of their useful lives, may be crushed down and mixed with butter to form a rudimentary toothpaste. Recycling is good.
6: It is cheaper and more sophisticated than gold teeth.
7: Don't diss' pipes, or I'll send Popeye to fuck you up.
8: A pipe is a valuable tool for adding emphasis to arguments by gesticulation, and if necessary can be employed as an offensive weapon should you find yourself in a tight spot and short on firearms to the tune of one.
9: The pleasant aroma can act as a gentle screen to your own flatulence.
10: Smoking a pipe makes it easier to carry off the transition into socks and sandles, drinking beer out of a mug, and ultimately becoming a shot-gun wielding bigot. Huzzah!

10 more reasons to smoke a pipe

1: When combined with a magic flying cape, it may allow you to fly. Note: Pipe optional.
2: May be converted to blow bubbles, enabling you to quickly curry favour with a difficult child. Before you drown it.
3: It's a babe-magnet, should you accidentally fall into a bucket full of the 18th century.
4: It's the thinking man's comfort blanket.
5: It'll make your Dad uneasy.
6: Should you be threatened by a pipe-smoking badger, the common interest may buy you the time to barter for your life with tobacco and badger fellatio, or badgellatio.
7: Allows you to laugh in the face of no-smoking signs that only show a crossed-out cigarette. Arise, Sir Pedant.
8: It's more fun that trying to smoke a Christmas hamper full of kestrels.
9: Emptying a pipe by tapping it firmly on the sole of your shoe, is one of life's disappearing pleasures. Like clubbing a seal, or stealing a country.
10: Pipe smoking is the only proven way to produce an adequate quantity of sputum of the necessary taste and viscosity to properly use a spitoon. That makes you a cowboy.

10 things to say to excuse yourself from meetings

We all know attending meetings is boring, soul-destroying and bad for morale (and let's not forget the amount of extra work they generate. Evil). In order to alleviate you of meetingitis we have devised and road-tested ten excuses for cutting your participation in that AGM short.

1. “My piles make sitting down unbearable”
2. “I didn't make bail”
3. “I'm sorry. I seem to have pissed myself”
4. “I've got a beer in the fridge that is about to go off”
5. “I can't be arsed with this crap” (note: not really an excuse but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction)
6. “The world is on fire! Run!”
7. “I went to a similar meeting last week”
8. “There's a body in my front room I have to dispose of before my dog eats it“
9. “I can't possibly proceed on this basis”
10. “Before we start I would like to say how disappointed I am that no one has noticed that I defecated under the conference table”

10 reasonable alternatives to meat

1. Spam
2. Electrocution
3. Vegetables (that is hardly 'reasonable' - Ed.)
4. Oral sex
5. McDonalds
6. Vodka or any other non-meat based distilled spirit
7. Rust
8. Tofu-gravel
9. Uzbekistan
10. Wintersports

10 ways to avoid extinction

1: Develop personal immortality skills.
2: Say something. Anything. Pandas don't say much and look at the shit they're in.
3: Manifest yourself only in abstract form.
4: Remove the word "extinction" from your language, rendering "extinction" extinct. Ha. In your face, words.
5: Eat Christopher "Highlander" Lambert.
6: Get bitten by a vampire. Note: First invent vampires.
7: Never dance the "Grim Fandango", even if invited. Note: Also avoid the "Light Fandango". The "Light Fantastic" is fine.
8: Be fucking ugly. No one is going to hunt your for your skin if you look like a scrotum.
9: Refuse to die.
10: Convince the Chinese that your testicles have absolutely no medicinal properties whatsoever.

10 phrases to allay suspicions of drug abuse

1: "It's for my Mum."
2: "... but I assemble over 10 air fix kits a day."
3: (to Newsagent) "I just happen to like really long cigarettes, ok?"
4: "I'd appreciate it if you'd stop poking fun at my 'tash dandruff, actually."
5: "My dealer ran out of insulin."
6: "But you let the Beatles in!"
7: "No, I am genuinely pleased to see you."
8: "But officer, it's talcum powder. My mice are itchy."
9: "That's great. Do you have pie?"
10: "Sssh. I'm sleeping."

10 activites that are extremely unlikely to kill you

1: Abseiling down the side of a matchbox.
2: Stabbing yourself with a blunt styrofoam cup.
3: Becoming a member of the Rolling Stones.
4: Eating a healthy diet, and taking regular exercise.
5: Smothering yourself without the use of a pillow.
6: Concentrating hard of the end of a biro for 12 minutes.
7: Wearing only beige.
8: Asking yourself some searching questions about the nature of cheese.
9: Attempting to drown yourself in a tiny tiny vat of mashed potato - no larger than a thimble, mind.
10: Appeasement.

10 reasons to be happy about Christians (and maybe other people too) celebrating Easter

1: 4 days off. Nuff said.
2: On Sunday, shit loads of them will be in church, ergo, less people queuing at the bar. Beer served quicker. Nice.
3: The cave they put Jesus' dead body into was sealed with a "rock in the shape of an egg" (this is what they taught me at school, I shit you not) so we get to eat loads of eggs...
4: ... made of chocolate. Obviously. Cocoa is native to the Middle East. Jesus ate it. Who knows. Who cares.
5: If people want to refer to the day their "saviour" got nailed to an ex-tree as "Good" Friday, then they're clearly all mental. Leave 'em to it, and don't fucking mess, I reckon.
6: No Easter means no churches. No churches, no graveyards. No graveyards, nowhere to hide when the police are after you for a dunk and disorderly.
7: It puts people in a good mood. Some geezer's just given me a free coffee - and I don't think he's trying to sleep with me. That shit just doesn't happen when it's snowing.
8: You can't hate it. That would piss off the Easter Bunny. From memory, the Easter Bunny is 6 foot tall, blue, and he'll fuck you up.
9: Kids off school. Kids can easily be bribed or intimidated into fetching you beer from the fridge. Don't let them drink it though or you'll be locked up, and by the time you get bailed out the little bastards'll have drunk the fridge dry.
10: It's a fuck sight easier to get your hands on a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
Note: Eating 6 on the trot will make you puke. This significantly diminished their allure. Feed your children 6 on the trot - then they'll never steal yours again.

10 harsh realities that no amount of alcohol or counselling can prepare you for

1: The carrot in your sick is not magic, but is, in fact, the lining of your stomach.
2: You never stop getting hangovers.
3: No one is going to employ you as Action Man (for our American readers (both of you) that's like GI Joe but considerably less rubbish)
4: Winning the lottery is not a viable life plan.
5: At some point you are going to have to iron something.
6: While your nob may not be shrinking, your beer gut is almost certainly growing.
7: Beyonce is NEVER going to sleep with you.
8: Referring to your bank manager as "dude" is not always guaranteed to convince them to extend your overdraft. Again.
9: Learn to like wine. It's gets you more drunk, more cheaply and makes you belch less.
10: Playing the PlayStation while she is asleep does not constitute "foreplay".

10 reasons to be thankful that your were not born a domestic cat

1: Opposable digits are a boon when it comes to carrying several beers at once.
2: Licking your own bits is not all it's cracked up to be, and is likely to result in extended bouts of halitosis.
3: I have it on good authority that field mice taste like shit.
4: Getting a pube stuck in your teeth is bad enough. Coughing up balls of fur must suck.
5: I don't care how many out of ten prefer it, cat food still bears more than a passing resemblance to shit mixed with vomit.
6: A life without caffeine or booze is not worth living.
7: The blame for all unattributed smells will be levelled at you.
8: Wearing a flea collar is both degrading and unlikely to get you laid.
9: Chances are you'll have had your bollocks chopped off before you get the chance to use them in anger.
10: The possibility exists that another domestic cat will try to shag you.

That is all.

10 things to be aware of when returning home drunk

1: A "pile-on" is not as well received at is used to be - housemate's partners tend to be particularly unappreciative.
2: The kettle is no real substitute for a hot water bottle.
3: Leaving a half-eaten kebab to guard the door is not going to help you find your keys.
4: You may have moved house, please check for clues that you still live there, such as a pile of half-eaten kebabs by the door.
5: This may not be the best time to introduce yourself to your neighbours, however opportune the moment may seem.
6: Standing in the middle of the street screaming "Would someone please try to sell me some FUCKING SKUNK" is unlikely to have the desired effect.
7: Pissing in the kitchen sink will not go unnoticed.
8: If you're going to sling porn on the telly, for goodness sake don't fall asleep in front of it.
9: As unpleasant as sleeping in your clothes may be, sleeping naked on the sofa is NOT cool. Note: If you sit on the sofa, even for a second, you will sleep on it.
10: The vomit will most certainly not clean itself.

10 phrases to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses when they knock on your door

1: "Excellent, you're just in time for the orgy of blood. Do come in..."
2: "Are YOU my Daddy?"
3: "Hooray! Someone to play with! You wanna be the doctor or the patient?"
4: "Marjorie, open the dungeon will you ducky? We've caught another one."
5: "I remember you from the before time. You were bad. Have you come to give me back my hat of eyelids?"
6: "You're not the stripper, are you?"
7: "I'm afraid I seem to have wet myself."
8: "You're not a virgin by any chance are you?"
9: "I am Mum-ra the ever-living. You the f*ck are you?"
10: "The Voice told me you would come. I have prepared your chamber. Hurry now, soon the dawn will be upon us and the time of the righteous at hand. Forearmed, and bold of heart, we must fear not. For the pain shall be fleeting, and the glory EVERLASTING!!!! Mwa! MWAHAHAHA!!"