Apparently there's been some kind of erection in America. Someone could have at least said something...
So, as tabloid headline writers moisten themselves at the prospect of a new world of nauseating puns - here are are few little headlines to get them started.
1. George W. "Yo Blair" Bush meets Obama to congratulate him on spanking the ass off someone's grandpa...
Yo 'Bama!
2. But Obama doesn't show as teasing losers is mean...
No-Bama
3. This causes a kerfuffle...
O-Drama
4. But a good deed performed in a former life restores public opinion...
O Karma
5. So Obama takes a public relations trip to Peru...
Barack O Llama
6. But gets in a pickle with a native livestock herdsman
Obama in Llama Farmer Drama
7. Fortunately the herdsman sticks up for the stricken president...
Obama's no Llama Harmer
8. Who rewards the herdsman with a trip to a Turkish snack bar...
Shawarma Obama
9. The next election rolls round - Schwarzenegger takes on Obama...
"I'll be Barack"
10. Who goes clinically insane and gets shipped off to a funny farm....
O-Barmy
10.5 Before joining an 80s girl band tribute act...
O-Bananarama.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Friday, 15 August 2008
10 lessons from the lav, as last night's curry dissolves both arse and plumbing
1. Don't take dinner recommendations from a grinning midget with red teeth.
2. In these circumstances it is advisable to ring ahead and warn the North Sea. Norwegians take a dim view of losing ships to radioactive faecal matter.
3. Rectal prolapse does not just happen to cats.
4. Eat more fibre, buy sturdier pants.
5. Dodgy curry + 1 pound of green grapes = what the Germans charmingly refer to as "durchfall".
6. Great inventions are dreamt up on the lav, such as the pebble-dash.
7. James Bond does not have this problem. Nor does Action Man. That said, Action Man has no bum-hole and his pants don't come off, so arguably his problems are greater.
8. Now matter how vast and horrible your toilet experience may be, it is unlikely to cause you to implode.
9. Humming the theme tune to Will O the Wisp is a pleasant way to mask chronic flatulence.
10. Always always always check for bog roll before taking a seat. Something which I, unfortunately, have failed to do on this occasion. Oh dear.
2. In these circumstances it is advisable to ring ahead and warn the North Sea. Norwegians take a dim view of losing ships to radioactive faecal matter.
3. Rectal prolapse does not just happen to cats.
4. Eat more fibre, buy sturdier pants.
5. Dodgy curry + 1 pound of green grapes = what the Germans charmingly refer to as "durchfall".
6. Great inventions are dreamt up on the lav, such as the pebble-dash.
7. James Bond does not have this problem. Nor does Action Man. That said, Action Man has no bum-hole and his pants don't come off, so arguably his problems are greater.
8. Now matter how vast and horrible your toilet experience may be, it is unlikely to cause you to implode.
9. Humming the theme tune to Will O the Wisp is a pleasant way to mask chronic flatulence.
10. Always always always check for bog roll before taking a seat. Something which I, unfortunately, have failed to do on this occasion. Oh dear.
10 things I'd rather do than shop for office insurance
1. Punch myself in the face over and over again whilst chewing a lightbulb.
2. Spend a weekend being slowly digested by a portly Belgian man.
3. Spend the next twelve years living rough, observing the mating habits of diseased elm trees.
4. Work for the Guardian.
5. Examine the insides of my own eyes with a fish hook and a blow-torch.
6. Grow breasts and then have them sawn off and used to beat me to death.
7. Have a conversation with Anne Robinson, Jeremy Clarkson and Anthony Worrall-Thompson.
8. Staple my own knackers to a plane, before jumping out of said plane at 12,000 feet with no parachute, listening to a walkman playing bag-pipe "music".
9. Support my ageing bedframe on a base of my own faeces. Involves waiting for them to dry first, of course, otherwise your bed will slide all over the place and this might keep you awake.
10. Watch a full Hollyoaks omnibus edition, and then Pearl Harbour, "starring" Ben Affleck.
2. Spend a weekend being slowly digested by a portly Belgian man.
3. Spend the next twelve years living rough, observing the mating habits of diseased elm trees.
4. Work for the Guardian.
5. Examine the insides of my own eyes with a fish hook and a blow-torch.
6. Grow breasts and then have them sawn off and used to beat me to death.
7. Have a conversation with Anne Robinson, Jeremy Clarkson and Anthony Worrall-Thompson.
8. Staple my own knackers to a plane, before jumping out of said plane at 12,000 feet with no parachute, listening to a walkman playing bag-pipe "music".
9. Support my ageing bedframe on a base of my own faeces. Involves waiting for them to dry first, of course, otherwise your bed will slide all over the place and this might keep you awake.
10. Watch a full Hollyoaks omnibus edition, and then Pearl Harbour, "starring" Ben Affleck.
10 quail brand names
1. Quail or Fail – topical gameshow.
2. Quailuude – a new take on the classic depressant. "You'll be light as a feather".
3. Famous Quail - a little known and frankly undrinkable brand of whisky.
4. Scotch Quail Eggs - for the connoisseur with no tastebuds and no chance of making it to 30 without suffering a coronary.
5. Quailsits - Foam packaging that some bastards try to pass off as crisps. Don't eat them, they turn your cock orange.
6. Quailkea - A furniture shop where all the loo brushes are named after ugly villages in Denmark.
7. Quaility Street confectionary. For those moments when you just gotta have a crispy beak, or a caramelized quail's liver.
8. The Daily Quail - a dire newspaper for racists and idiots that I wouldn't even stoop so low as to wipe my arse on. We don't want Captain Botty getting stupidized by osmosis.
9. Quailure is not an option. Low-budget karate-flick about a young boy's journey into manhood following an ill-advised move to join the foreign legion, starring Ben Affleck.
10. Quailin' - bog roll your finger won't go through, and with which you stand at least an outside chance of not unnecessarily abrading an arse-cheek off.
2. Quailuude – a new take on the classic depressant. "You'll be light as a feather".
3. Famous Quail - a little known and frankly undrinkable brand of whisky.
4. Scotch Quail Eggs - for the connoisseur with no tastebuds and no chance of making it to 30 without suffering a coronary.
5. Quailsits - Foam packaging that some bastards try to pass off as crisps. Don't eat them, they turn your cock orange.
6. Quailkea - A furniture shop where all the loo brushes are named after ugly villages in Denmark.
7. Quaility Street confectionary. For those moments when you just gotta have a crispy beak, or a caramelized quail's liver.
8. The Daily Quail - a dire newspaper for racists and idiots that I wouldn't even stoop so low as to wipe my arse on. We don't want Captain Botty getting stupidized by osmosis.
9. Quailure is not an option. Low-budget karate-flick about a young boy's journey into manhood following an ill-advised move to join the foreign legion, starring Ben Affleck.
10. Quailin' - bog roll your finger won't go through, and with which you stand at least an outside chance of not unnecessarily abrading an arse-cheek off.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
10 reasons why Carlsson’s boss is a complete and utter twat
1. He’s a complete and utter twat
2. He only awards contracts to companies he claims he wish he had bought shares in. The more times he says “I wish I had bought shares in this company” before offering that company contracts, the more obvious it becomes that he HAS bought shares in that company, and subsequently offered them contracts. I’m sure this is illegal
3. Every time he addresses his ‘minions’, he seems to get stuck in a timewarp that somehow entitles him to incessantly spout out vacuous 80s motivational drivel that invariable turns out be to untrue, misleading and highly narcissistic
4. He has a nervous tick that, although possibly not his fault, fails to endear him to yours truly. Never trust a man whose face contracts every five seconds whilst he is lying to an audience of 200.
5. He constantly informs us of how successful we are as a company. I have to sit and listen to this shit knowing that several projects have and are failing on a spectacular scale as we speak, resulting in job losses and shit-bottom morale
6. He thinks he is funny and “down” with his staff. He thinks wrong.
7. His novel approach to management (taken from the pages of any early 1980s how to book) means that no one makes decisions or take responsibility for their actions. This has traditionally always been conducive to a great running operation.
8. He is incapable of answering any question in less than 600 words, even if that question is “what is your name?” Verbosity is one thing, inane verbosity from a cunt who thinks he is God’s gift to business is entirely another
9. He is incapable of addressing any member of staff without somehow referring to his previous successes with other companies. As if we care! He clearly lost his way since then, as all he can truly lay claim to now is failure after failure
10. He is a complete and utter twat
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
10 reasons why liberal lefties are ruining our lives
1. The colour purple (both the film and the colour)
2. No one likes using a dictionary
3. We know the world is fucked. Stop going on about it!
2. No one likes using a dictionary
3. We know the world is fucked. Stop going on about it!
4. Left-handed scissors don't stop you being mal-coordinated
5. We don't all deserve a chance, especially not people who make toothpaste from butter mixed with clay
6. Don't believe anything Clegg says. Vince Cable, if you are reading this, kindly smother Clegg while he sleeps. Note: Please don't, thinking about it. Just give him a good telling off and send him to the Naughty Corner
7. Hippies ultimately reject their own liberal ideals and end up managing multinational corporations with a fascist ferocity. “Save the trees so later in life I can pay poor people pittance to chop them down”
8. "Liberal Ideals" is an anagram of "Daddy didn't love me". (?)
9. Can liberalism cure my hangover? Answer: No it fucking can't
10. Tofu is not, I repeat not, universally acceptable as a source of nourishment
10 pathetic excuses for not writing blog entries
1. I have to count my pubes.
2: It currently measures 0.76 on the Carlsson scale
3. Belgium is still a sovereign state
4. If I write something I'll have to stop whinging about not having written anything, then what will I do? Huh?!!
5. I have been incapable of writing words containing the letters ' ' and ' ' since April 1936
6. There appears to be some elderly mayonnaise on my keyboard.
7. For every syllable I write a kitten is doused in kerosine and thrown on a bonfire.
8. Mother says my words are sinful, and if I blog again she's going to purge me with a horse whip and coca-cola enema combo.
9. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark, apparently (although this may be old news. I don't read much). I refuse to go on until this unacceptable situation has been resolved.
10. There's something rotten in my desk drawer which makes me gag when I try to get to the computer. I think it may be the corpse of a budgie I mislaid in early '07.
2: It currently measures 0.76 on the Carlsson scale
3. Belgium is still a sovereign state
4. If I write something I'll have to stop whinging about not having written anything, then what will I do? Huh?!!
5. I have been incapable of writing words containing the letters ' ' and ' ' since April 1936
6. There appears to be some elderly mayonnaise on my keyboard.
7. For every syllable I write a kitten is doused in kerosine and thrown on a bonfire.
8. Mother says my words are sinful, and if I blog again she's going to purge me with a horse whip and coca-cola enema combo.
9. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark, apparently (although this may be old news. I don't read much). I refuse to go on until this unacceptable situation has been resolved.
10. There's something rotten in my desk drawer which makes me gag when I try to get to the computer. I think it may be the corpse of a budgie I mislaid in early '07.
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
10 reasons why Man City are better off without Ronaldinho
1. He's so ugly, no channel would want to televise any of their games (not that they would want to now, either...)
2. There is relatively little call in Manchester for people with the ability to eat an apple through a tennis racket.
3. His poor command of English would inevitably lead to him referring to the club as Man Shitty.
4. He's Brazilian. Meaning in a few short days he'll either be working as a waiter, selling his ass for crack, or being shot on tube trains by the Met for no apparent reason.
5. He might overshadow the mighty Darius Vassell.
6. Ronaldinho is Mancunian dialect for "Please kick me in the nuts really hard, and then nick my trainers. "
... as indeed is "Hello".
7. Man City doesn't need flair, they need a football team
8. The site of the former World Player of the Year in a Sky Blue shirt would be the optical equivalent of "brown noise" meaning that the entire population of the world would collectively shit themselves at the first training session, burying the planet in faecal matter and rendering football irrelevant.
9. Ronaldinho would singlehandedly expose the entire squad for its shortcomings, leading it mutterings on the terraces of "we are actually really, really shit"
10. He looks like a twat in a beret.
See?
2. There is relatively little call in Manchester for people with the ability to eat an apple through a tennis racket.
3. His poor command of English would inevitably lead to him referring to the club as Man Shitty.
4. He's Brazilian. Meaning in a few short days he'll either be working as a waiter, selling his ass for crack, or being shot on tube trains by the Met for no apparent reason.
5. He might overshadow the mighty Darius Vassell.
6. Ronaldinho is Mancunian dialect for "Please kick me in the nuts really hard, and then nick my trainers. "
... as indeed is "Hello".
7. Man City doesn't need flair, they need a football team
8. The site of the former World Player of the Year in a Sky Blue shirt would be the optical equivalent of "brown noise" meaning that the entire population of the world would collectively shit themselves at the first training session, burying the planet in faecal matter and rendering football irrelevant.
9. Ronaldinho would singlehandedly expose the entire squad for its shortcomings, leading it mutterings on the terraces of "we are actually really, really shit"
10. He looks like a twat in a beret.
See?
10 things that aren't relative
1. Death
2. Belgium
3. Amputated fingers
4. Modern life
5. Everthing (according to a film of 1994 of the adult genre)
6. High resolution holographic recordings of elephant figurines with specific reference to Rousselot de-ionised, photo-type gelatins
7. Time
8. Conceptual violence
9. Kronenbourg 1664, Sponseur du Tour de France
10. Hackney
2. Belgium
3. Amputated fingers
4. Modern life
5. Everthing (according to a film of 1994 of the adult genre)
6. High resolution holographic recordings of elephant figurines with specific reference to Rousselot de-ionised, photo-type gelatins
7. Time
8. Conceptual violence
9. Kronenbourg 1664, Sponseur du Tour de France
10. Hackney
Thursday, 5 June 2008
10 famous British cats
1. Cat Deeley
2. Bagpuss (Note: Not, as you may be forgiven for thinking, a cruel euphemism for a lady's front bottom)
3. Henry's cat (Note: He has since let me in on a little secret... Henry's Cat is only his stage name! Surprised? I fairly shat.)
4. Cat scan...
5. James the Cat
6. Henk ten Cate (Note: May also claim to be Dutch. Don't believe a word of it. Nor indeed is he Belgian)
7. Catterick.
8. Quail-Cat (Like Spider-Pig but with much more palpable a sense of inner turmoil)
9. The Argos CATalogue.
10. Sophie Ellis Bextor.
And now for your enjoyment, some cats in hats:
2. Bagpuss (Note: Not, as you may be forgiven for thinking, a cruel euphemism for a lady's front bottom)
3. Henry's cat (Note: He has since let me in on a little secret... Henry's Cat is only his stage name! Surprised? I fairly shat.)
4. Cat scan...
5. James the Cat
6. Henk ten Cat
7. Catterick.
8. Quail-Cat (Like Spider-Pig but with much more palpable a sense of inner turmoil)
9. The Argos CATalogue.
10. Sophie Ellis Bextor.
And now for your enjoyment, some cats in hats:
10 things the French have got right
2. Carla Bruni
3. The rest of the world does not matter as long as it does not speak French and is not a former colony of the republic. Wait, did they get that right?
4. Wine. As opposed to Buckfast.
5. A liberal attitude to the purchase of codeine
6. An acceptance of the fact that women are sexier when they smoke, don't speak English and have hairy armpits
7. Cheese eating surrender monkeys, perhaps, but ultimately still alive.
8. Building refugee camps next to the border of a country with poor immigration service to solve your own immigration problem.
9. If it weren't for
10. Snails are nicer to eat than to step on
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
10 things to do if you run out of drugs
1. Buy more, immediately!
2. Develop another addiction, like an irrational love of sponge. If and when that runs out you can always resort back to drugs.
3. Call your boss, grovel and ask for your job back.
4. Start drinking. Heavily!
5. Relax. Your flatmate will be back in a few hours and hopefully he’ll have some drugs.
6. Make your own. Your local pharmacy has more outs than you can imagine.
7. Get sectioned. Do some research prior to this on what drugs are given for what mental illnesses and act accordingly.
8. Masturbate. WORKS EVERY TIME!
9. As above, but in the company of another, or several, like-minded people.
10. Snort shavings of Keith Richards.
2. Develop another addiction, like an irrational love of sponge. If and when that runs out you can always resort back to drugs.
3. Call your boss, grovel and ask for your job back.
4. Start drinking. Heavily!
5. Relax. Your flatmate will be back in a few hours and hopefully he’ll have some drugs.
6. Make your own. Your local pharmacy has more outs than you can imagine.
7. Get sectioned. Do some research prior to this on what drugs are given for what mental illnesses and act accordingly.
8. Masturbate. WORKS EVERY TIME!
9. As above, but in the company of another, or several, like-minded people.
10. Snort shavings of Keith Richards.
10 ways to avoid getting hung, drawn and quartered
1. Make sure you’re not currently in any of the centuries preceding the 20th and in the process of planning, carrying out or getting caught for deeds of a criminal nature, including treason, libel and/or homosexuality.
2. Prior to the commencement of your punishment (should you have avoided following the advice given in point one, above), take a bath in hot, liquid steel. Once dried, the metal should make strangulation and dismemberment more difficult. Note: may cause severe bodily harm and death.
3. Always align yourself with the current King, Queen or other such de facto ruler, but not too much, should the power suddenly shift in favour of another ruler after which your show of support might be construed as amounting to treason, libel or homosexuality. Again, the best advice is probably to follow the guidelines set out in point one.
4. Prior to the metering out of your mediaeval punishment, swiftly remove all rope, sharp objects and horses from a 50 miles radius of the gallows, thus making the process of hanging, being drawn and quartered more difficult due to a lack of material.
5. Whilst awaiting your gruesome and no doubt just demise, convert to the animal kingdom and proclaim yourself a servant of the noble Quail. You can then deny the authority of the court and wait to be rescued by your feathery friends whilst maintaining a certain level of righteous smugness.
6. Claim you have a bad back and as such should be spared the punishment. It may help to have a doctor’s note to back you up, should it go to a tribunal.
7. Become a pike, or as much like a pike as you can. It is a well-established fact that pikes can’t be quartered. You will probably still die from the hanging, though, this despite pike-necks being notoriously slippery and not of the ideal shape for hanging.
8. Accept the weight of eth world on your shoulders. The extra pounds of weight may cause the rope to snap before the point of asphyxiation. Note: proceed with caution as the weight of the world can be rather heavy, especially during bank holidays and when in the company of deceased German philosophers.
9. Create your own gravitational field in your gut by eating Jade Gooding and not going to the toilet for a week afterwards. When the trapdoor opens you will simply hover in your current position. The massive force exerted by the dense weight of consumed Gooding will also make the process of quartering impossible. Should Jade Gooding not be available during your century, any old fat bitch will do.
10. Commit suicide by decapitating yourself and then eating the remains. Imagine the indignation when the executioner arrives only to find his subject reduced to faeces! Remember, a quarter of shit is still shit.
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
10 ways to spot a posh bloke
1. His speech is almost entirely unintelligible. Possibly because his total lack of chin makes forming vowel sounds nigh on impossible, possibly because of the silver spoon in his gob.
2. He orders a drink with a date in it that isn't 1664.
3. Bunny is his sister's actual given name, not a reference to her sexual predilections.
4. School is a verb. "Where did you school?"...
5. His casual references to buggery and abuse aren't so much ironic as strictly accurate relations of the years before he started learning Latin.
6. He knows Latin... and fucking Greek.
7. The assembly of 2 dozen blokes, 3 dozen hounds, an entire stable of horses, 15 yards of red velvet and a bugler to trap one dog-sized threat to chickens does not seem overkill to him.
8. His Dad signs his trust fund cheques with a place name - apparently posh people can't spell "Lord" or something.
9. The fact that you don't have your own pony comes as a surprise to him.
10. There's a bloke in a suit walking in front of his Dad's Bentley carrying a flag.
2. He orders a drink with a date in it that isn't 1664.
3. Bunny is his sister's actual given name, not a reference to her sexual predilections.
4. School is a verb. "Where did you school?"...
5. His casual references to buggery and abuse aren't so much ironic as strictly accurate relations of the years before he started learning Latin.
6. He knows Latin... and fucking Greek.
7. The assembly of 2 dozen blokes, 3 dozen hounds, an entire stable of horses, 15 yards of red velvet and a bugler to trap one dog-sized threat to chickens does not seem overkill to him.
8. His Dad signs his trust fund cheques with a place name - apparently posh people can't spell "Lord" or something.
9. The fact that you don't have your own pony comes as a surprise to him.
10. There's a bloke in a suit walking in front of his Dad's Bentley carrying a flag.
Monday, 17 March 2008
10 strategies for deeply upsetting an irritating infant
1. Casually inform them that their Dad works for your Dad. Then pause, tell them your Dad is a pimp, and hand them a small dictionary so they can look up "pimp". Wait.
2. Call them a spider-web. Start crying and then run to their mother and inform her that her child just called you a spider-web. And that they shat on the lawn. And burned the cat with matches. And that you suspect they may be gay. Show her a picture of He-Man with a crudely drawn phallus to back up your claim if required.
3. Ask the child it's name. Write that name on a list, inform the child that they are now "on your list" and walk away tutting before breaking into a chuckle.
4. Make a phone call to Santa, and ask an elf to take a message that the child wants its Mummy mutilated by a cougar for Christmas.
5. Smack it in the chops with a pike (fish, not pole-arm).
6. Offer to show the child an excellent hiding place, then lock it in a shed and post the shed to Belgium.
7. Beat it a Top Trumps. Over and over again. Then tell it it's ugly and stupid.
8. Send the child to a single-gender boarding school for about 10 years, preferably one in Switzerland. There it will be abused, mocked, bullied and psychologically damaged to such an extent that in later life it will take to wearing latex panties and volunteer to be locked in a cage for days at a time.
9. Just point and laugh.
10. Make a passing reference to "cooties", "nits" or fart-smells. The ensuing revulsion will give you enough time to leave and do something useful. Like drink. Or cry.
2. Call them a spider-web. Start crying and then run to their mother and inform her that her child just called you a spider-web. And that they shat on the lawn. And burned the cat with matches. And that you suspect they may be gay. Show her a picture of He-Man with a crudely drawn phallus to back up your claim if required.
3. Ask the child it's name. Write that name on a list, inform the child that they are now "on your list" and walk away tutting before breaking into a chuckle.
4. Make a phone call to Santa, and ask an elf to take a message that the child wants its Mummy mutilated by a cougar for Christmas.
5. Smack it in the chops with a pike (fish, not pole-arm).
6. Offer to show the child an excellent hiding place, then lock it in a shed and post the shed to Belgium.
7. Beat it a Top Trumps. Over and over again. Then tell it it's ugly and stupid.
8. Send the child to a single-gender boarding school for about 10 years, preferably one in Switzerland. There it will be abused, mocked, bullied and psychologically damaged to such an extent that in later life it will take to wearing latex panties and volunteer to be locked in a cage for days at a time.
9. Just point and laugh.
10. Make a passing reference to "cooties", "nits" or fart-smells. The ensuing revulsion will give you enough time to leave and do something useful. Like drink. Or cry.
10 Harry Potter books I fear will never make it to press
Harry Potter and the...
1. ...nauseating adolescent poetry.
2. ...suspicious stain.
3. ...curious incident of Hermione's knicker drawer in the night time.
4. ...total failure to live up to his potential and ultimate acceptance of a shit job in I.T.
5. ...persistent bed-wetting.
6. ...woeful ineptitude.
7. ...drunken night at G.A.Y. with Ron that everybody knows about.
8. ...crude joke about his bendy wand.
9. ...ruined career, slow descent into drink and self-loathing, and subsequent guest appearances in "Erotic thrillers".
10. ...blatant plagiarism.
1. ...nauseating adolescent poetry.
2. ...suspicious stain.
3. ...curious incident of Hermione's knicker drawer in the night time.
4. ...total failure to live up to his potential and ultimate acceptance of a shit job in I.T.
5. ...persistent bed-wetting.
6. ...woeful ineptitude.
7. ...drunken night at G.A.Y. with Ron that everybody knows about.
8. ...crude joke about his bendy wand.
9. ...ruined career, slow descent into drink and self-loathing, and subsequent guest appearances in "Erotic thrillers".
10. ...blatant plagiarism.
Friday, 22 February 2008
10 inappropriate reactions to the death of an Uncle
1: Can I have his stereo?
2: That's all very well, but who's gonna sell me ganja now? Dealers don't just grow on fucking trees.
3: To be honest, i always thought he was a bit of a twat.
4: Nice. All we've got to do is get auntie into an asylum and bingo - holiday home.
5: He touched me once you know... Bad touch.
6: Who cares? As long as his hooch recipe ain't died with him...
7: He was my uncle? fucking hell, now you tell me.
8: Uncle or not, he was the one who ran into my knife
9: That's great. I don't see why I had to be naked for this though.
10. He owed me a fiver. No wait. A tenner.
2: That's all very well, but who's gonna sell me ganja now? Dealers don't just grow on fucking trees.
3: To be honest, i always thought he was a bit of a twat.
4: Nice. All we've got to do is get auntie into an asylum and bingo - holiday home.
5: He touched me once you know... Bad touch.
6: Who cares? As long as his hooch recipe ain't died with him...
7: He was my uncle? fucking hell, now you tell me.
8: Uncle or not, he was the one who ran into my knife
9: That's great. I don't see why I had to be naked for this though.
10. He owed me a fiver. No wait. A tenner.
10 reasons to abolish the moon
1: It doesn't pay tax and as such is nothing but a parasitic leech on society
2: It's my moon, and I shall do with it as I please.
3: What if the man in the moon is lactose intolerant? Have you thought about that?
... inconsiderate bastards.
4: I need the space for my intergalactic battle station/porn stash.
5: Tides are lame.
6: Removing the moon may prove the only way to treat the irreversible onset of were-beings
7: Scientific types postulate that the size of the moon in inversely proportional to the size of my todger. No moon, epic trouser snake. You do the maths.
8: The moon , like so many other delinquents, likes to loiter around people's back gardens, mainly at night, causing untold damage to communities and often leading to minor arrests and drunken behaviour
9: The moon hates you and wants you dead. I saw it violating your hamster. Fact.
10: The moon, contrary to popular belief, is not actually perfectly round. What a disappointment.
2: It's my moon, and I shall do with it as I please.
3: What if the man in the moon is lactose intolerant? Have you thought about that?
... inconsiderate bastards.
4: I need the space for my intergalactic battle station/porn stash.
5: Tides are lame.
6: Removing the moon may prove the only way to treat the irreversible onset of were-beings
7: Scientific types postulate that the size of the moon in inversely proportional to the size of my todger. No moon, epic trouser snake. You do the maths.
8: The moon , like so many other delinquents, likes to loiter around people's back gardens, mainly at night, causing untold damage to communities and often leading to minor arrests and drunken behaviour
9: The moon hates you and wants you dead. I saw it violating your hamster. Fact.
10: The moon, contrary to popular belief, is not actually perfectly round. What a disappointment.
10 reasons why God would have created White Ace
1: He is benevolent after all, although prone to enjoying the sight of violence and bad teeth
2: Well why wouldn't he? For fucks sake.
3: He is far too busy to beat up the female population on a nightly basis by himself
4: He always wanted a liquid alternative to gypsies
5: He felt the need to capitalise on the growing cheap, strong cider market boom
6: He is dyslexic and was trying to create "The Raw Ice Dice".
7: Kittens drown quicker in Ace.
8: Crack cocaine wasn't as effective for urban regeneration as he had hoped
9: He was visited in the night by a monstrous platinum duck who ordered him to brew the Ace, otherwise Mr. Ducky would take a dump on his pillow. A runny one.
10: It was a misunderstanding based on God's desire to create an equivalent of the Ace of Spades
2: Well why wouldn't he? For fucks sake.
3: He is far too busy to beat up the female population on a nightly basis by himself
4: He always wanted a liquid alternative to gypsies
5: He felt the need to capitalise on the growing cheap, strong cider market boom
6: He is dyslexic and was trying to create "The Raw Ice Dice".
7: Kittens drown quicker in Ace.
8: Crack cocaine wasn't as effective for urban regeneration as he had hoped
9: He was visited in the night by a monstrous platinum duck who ordered him to brew the Ace, otherwise Mr. Ducky would take a dump on his pillow. A runny one.
10: It was a misunderstanding based on God's desire to create an equivalent of the Ace of Spades
10 alternative abbreviations (AA)
1: BT = Bulgarian Telekinesis
2: FBI = flabby belligerent individuals
3: IOC = irredeemable organisers of curling
4: GM = gout-ridden monstrosity
5: FIFA = Flatulent Iguanadons Fellate Amoebas
6: UN = Ululating nincompoops
7: BAPS = british association of plastic surgeons (wait that is a real one)
8: ACDC = Albatrosses Cum Diluted Custard
9: TUC = turds under control
10: GNER = Ginger North-Eastern Retards
2: FBI = flabby belligerent individuals
3: IOC = irredeemable organisers of curling
4: GM = gout-ridden monstrosity
5: FIFA = Flatulent Iguanadons Fellate Amoebas
6: UN = Ululating nincompoops
7: BAPS = british association of plastic surgeons (wait that is a real one)
8: ACDC = Albatrosses Cum Diluted Custard
9: TUC = turds under control
10: GNER = Ginger North-Eastern Retards
Saturday, 2 February 2008
10 inadequate euphemisms for a scrotum
1. Alexander the Great
2. Aunt Mable's ipod
3. The Belgian tourist board
4. 3 ounces of lube and a nice bouncy mango
5. A lump of homoerotic coal
6. A semi-detached in Billericay
7. Peter Schmichael: The Untold Story
8. A Coca-cola enema
9. A pair of jelly handcuffs with a side order of rough fellatio
10. Hillary Clinton's wet dream (plus optional plank).
2. Aunt Mable's ipod
3. The Belgian tourist board
4. 3 ounces of lube and a nice bouncy mango
5. A lump of homoerotic coal
6. A semi-detached in Billericay
7. Peter Schmichael: The Untold Story
8. A Coca-cola enema
9. A pair of jelly handcuffs with a side order of rough fellatio
10. Hillary Clinton's wet dream (plus optional plank).
10 unacceptable excuses for being late
1. My bell end got stuck in a koala
2. A koala got stuck on my bell end
3. I couldn't find anyone to babysit my spanners
4. I don't particularly like you, and every second spent away from you is a pleasure
5. The children took longer to drown than I'd planned
6. My bomb didn't go off
7. I was being vigourously fellated by a herd of wildebeast, and it would have been rude to leave before time.
8. Since the court case I am unable to use the short cut through the park
9. Burying kittens is thirsty work
10. You're late. (Fuck you) (You're not my Dad) (No Auntie, I won't go on the tea cup ride... Oh, Ok then.)
2. A koala got stuck on my bell end
3. I couldn't find anyone to babysit my spanners
4. I don't particularly like you, and every second spent away from you is a pleasure
5. The children took longer to drown than I'd planned
6. My bomb didn't go off
7. I was being vigourously fellated by a herd of wildebeast, and it would have been rude to leave before time.
8. Since the court case I am unable to use the short cut through the park
9. Burying kittens is thirsty work
10. You're late. (Fuck you) (You're not my Dad) (No Auntie, I won't go on the tea cup ride... Oh, Ok then.)
10 useless fashion accessories
1. A cape made from clay
2. France
3. Primeval gloves
4. An invisible cock-ring covered in invisible velcro with an invisible gibbon stapled to it (Gibbon optional).
5. A bible belt
6. Binary hoses
7. The pygmy arse-flute playing lesbian tribes of the Lower Indus (1985 edition, top trumps).
8. A small stick painted maroon
9. The steak epaulette (There is only one. It's mine. You can't have it . Fuck off)
10. Ceramic underwear with a gunpowder enamel
2. France
3. Primeval gloves
4. An invisible cock-ring covered in invisible velcro with an invisible gibbon stapled to it (Gibbon optional).
5. A bible belt
6. Binary hoses
7. The pygmy arse-flute playing lesbian tribes of the Lower Indus (1985 edition, top trumps).
8. A small stick painted maroon
9. The steak epaulette (There is only one. It's mine. You can't have it . Fuck off)
10. Ceramic underwear with a gunpowder enamel
10 IKEA product names that didn't make it
1. Uncomfortable chair
2. Rectal prolapse bean bag
3. Ugly bed for ugly person
4. Recycled foreskin deck chair
5. Herpes bedsheet (wipe clean)
6. Uncle Tommi's inappropriate hand gesture bath robe
7. Peed-on loo seat with tazer attachment
8. Self-imploding kitchen sink
9. Suspiciously rectum-friendly plastic fruit
10. Floral design hand grenade
2. Rectal prolapse bean bag
3. Ugly bed for ugly person
4. Recycled foreskin deck chair
5. Herpes bedsheet (wipe clean)
6. Uncle Tommi's inappropriate hand gesture bath robe
7. Peed-on loo seat with tazer attachment
8. Self-imploding kitchen sink
9. Suspiciously rectum-friendly plastic fruit
10. Floral design hand grenade
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Ten reasons why pirates rule and ninjas suck (or, in layman's terms, why ninjas are so shit and pirates are so it)
Okay we've all had the conversation.
Pirates vs Ninjas.
Sadly I have been circumstantially involved in numerous debates on this particular subject with a great number of individuals, some even people, who have taken the ludicrous stance of supporting the ninja, or masked dickheads as they are also known (masked dickheads, losers, lightweights, wimps, wankers, pricks, sneaky beaks, cunts, totally lame tossers – these are but a few, rather flattering expressions, used to refer to the ninja, who is crap).
Traditionally such discourse has resulted in the near death, severe incapacitation or outright termination of the offending verbal combatant at the hands of my cutlass. Given that recent developments in the rule of law has made this process not only tiresome but illegal, I will confess that the sole reason I carry on is the fact that I am a pirate myself, and as such not entirely subject to the laws of this demented island (well I am, but I am also a pirate, so some thing's got to give).
I digress.
Here's ten facts about pirates that put the entire ninja diaspora to shame, ideally for ever (although as a seasoned sea hag I can make no promises, I can only provide hope, inspiration and dollars, except of course the dollars bit, as I currently only have Euros, pounds sterling and Sumerian clay tablets. And I am in between pillaging, so I am bit skint).
1. Pirates have beards. Ninjas have lip-fluff at best, which I think we can all agree looks ridiculous on what is supposedly a grown man or woman;
2. Pirates drink alcohol and are subsequently prone to acts of rape, pillage and general boisterous behaviour. I like that. Ninjas (on the other hand) prefer karaoke, sneaking around and generally not being very cool. Boring bastards.
3. Pirates are prone to scurvy. Ninjas are just boring.
4. Pirates are hard-drinking, hard-fucking and hard-fighting cretins. Good enough for me. Ninjas don't drink, they are asexual and hang out in trees. Lame;
5. A one-legged pirate is just as dangerous as a fully-abled pirate, thanks mainly to crude prosthetics and scurvy. Ninjas are crap. Have you ever seen a ninja with a wooden leg? Me neither. What a bunch of sissies;
6. The word pirate conjures a whole host of cool things, like piracy, eye patches, fighting and barrels of rum. The word ninja conjures up crap things like hanging out in trees, getting an ass kicking by American B and C-list actors and bad dubbing;
7. Pirates have secret treasures, immense amounts of general loot and often scurvy. Ninjas have black pyjamas and high-pitched voices;
8. Pirates know how to fucking party. Rum, sex, weapons– all things essential for a great party. The pirates will drink until they can drink no more and then proceed to meddle with non-pirate people's spouses until sunrise, when the pirates will saunter back to the ship for some more booze, frequently followed by an early morning pillaging session. Ninjas have one pint, spend three hours embarrassing themselves on the karaoke machine, throw up on a covert kung fu renegade and then fall asleep in a tree;
9. Pirates are not afraid to go out on limb! (they sure ain't! - Ed.);
10. The majority of the greatest discoveries of all time, such as penicillin, Uzbekistan, colour television and White Ace cider to name but a few, were made by pirates. Noteworthy examples include the wheel (Captain Nigel 'Hook' Jameson, 1754 AD during a raid on a French schooner), gravel (Admiral Blackswan Crikey, 1877 AD, whilst inventing monks), history (Skull 'Dagger' Nielsen, 1066 AD, whilst adapting the works of Goethe (also a pirate) to an open-air performance for minks), central heating (Luke 'One-Leg' Lohan III, 1996 AD, whilst asleep) and cuff links (Jean-Jean Pierre Elroy, 1903 BC, merely days prior to completing the first circumnavigation of Margate). Perhaps the most famous of all pirate discoveries was that of the infamous Abraham Lead (generally considered the father of art nouveau (source needed)), who in 1233 invented the concept of the peninsula. Ninjas ain't discovered shit. Landlubbing bastards.
Pirates vs Ninjas.
Sadly I have been circumstantially involved in numerous debates on this particular subject with a great number of individuals, some even people, who have taken the ludicrous stance of supporting the ninja, or masked dickheads as they are also known (masked dickheads, losers, lightweights, wimps, wankers, pricks, sneaky beaks, cunts, totally lame tossers – these are but a few, rather flattering expressions, used to refer to the ninja, who is crap).
Traditionally such discourse has resulted in the near death, severe incapacitation or outright termination of the offending verbal combatant at the hands of my cutlass. Given that recent developments in the rule of law has made this process not only tiresome but illegal, I will confess that the sole reason I carry on is the fact that I am a pirate myself, and as such not entirely subject to the laws of this demented island (well I am, but I am also a pirate, so some thing's got to give).
I digress.
Here's ten facts about pirates that put the entire ninja diaspora to shame, ideally for ever (although as a seasoned sea hag I can make no promises, I can only provide hope, inspiration and dollars, except of course the dollars bit, as I currently only have Euros, pounds sterling and Sumerian clay tablets. And I am in between pillaging, so I am bit skint).
1. Pirates have beards. Ninjas have lip-fluff at best, which I think we can all agree looks ridiculous on what is supposedly a grown man or woman;
2. Pirates drink alcohol and are subsequently prone to acts of rape, pillage and general boisterous behaviour. I like that. Ninjas (on the other hand) prefer karaoke, sneaking around and generally not being very cool. Boring bastards.
3. Pirates are prone to scurvy. Ninjas are just boring.
4. Pirates are hard-drinking, hard-fucking and hard-fighting cretins. Good enough for me. Ninjas don't drink, they are asexual and hang out in trees. Lame;
5. A one-legged pirate is just as dangerous as a fully-abled pirate, thanks mainly to crude prosthetics and scurvy. Ninjas are crap. Have you ever seen a ninja with a wooden leg? Me neither. What a bunch of sissies;
6. The word pirate conjures a whole host of cool things, like piracy, eye patches, fighting and barrels of rum. The word ninja conjures up crap things like hanging out in trees, getting an ass kicking by American B and C-list actors and bad dubbing;
7. Pirates have secret treasures, immense amounts of general loot and often scurvy. Ninjas have black pyjamas and high-pitched voices;
8. Pirates know how to fucking party. Rum, sex, weapons– all things essential for a great party. The pirates will drink until they can drink no more and then proceed to meddle with non-pirate people's spouses until sunrise, when the pirates will saunter back to the ship for some more booze, frequently followed by an early morning pillaging session. Ninjas have one pint, spend three hours embarrassing themselves on the karaoke machine, throw up on a covert kung fu renegade and then fall asleep in a tree;
9. Pirates are not afraid to go out on limb! (they sure ain't! - Ed.);
10. The majority of the greatest discoveries of all time, such as penicillin, Uzbekistan, colour television and White Ace cider to name but a few, were made by pirates. Noteworthy examples include the wheel (Captain Nigel 'Hook' Jameson, 1754 AD during a raid on a French schooner), gravel (Admiral Blackswan Crikey, 1877 AD, whilst inventing monks), history (Skull 'Dagger' Nielsen, 1066 AD, whilst adapting the works of Goethe (also a pirate) to an open-air performance for minks), central heating (Luke 'One-Leg' Lohan III, 1996 AD, whilst asleep) and cuff links (Jean-Jean Pierre Elroy, 1903 BC, merely days prior to completing the first circumnavigation of Margate). Perhaps the most famous of all pirate discoveries was that of the infamous Abraham Lead (generally considered the father of art nouveau (source needed)), who in 1233 invented the concept of the peninsula. Ninjas ain't discovered shit. Landlubbing bastards.
Monday, 7 January 2008
10 politically incorrect statements that won't make you any friends
Here we’ve compiled 10 statements that are unlikely to help you win a by-election (or make, retain or endear you to acquaintances).
They are also somewhat politically incorrect. Thin people often smell of shit too.
1. I'm the kind of guy that'll piss in your sink
2. I always thought Nelson Mandela was a bit of a gay cunt
3. A dead Welshman is a good Welshman, as long as he or she isn't a ginger twat
4. Princess Diana was a cock-sucking slapper
5. Turkish women smuggle heroin in their moustaches
6. Fat people smell of shit
7. I've never been to Ghana but I know it is mainly populated by retards
8. Ugly women should offer themselves up for sterilisation as a gesture of goodwill, and then drown themselves in vats of lukewarm semen
9. I use your toothbrush to clean the lice off my arsehair while you sleep
10. I was going to kill Jill Dando but some fat degenerate poofter beat me to it. It gave me a tremendous hard on, which was unexpected. But welcome.
They are also somewhat politically incorrect. Thin people often smell of shit too.
1. I'm the kind of guy that'll piss in your sink
2. I always thought Nelson Mandela was a bit of a gay cunt
3. A dead Welshman is a good Welshman, as long as he or she isn't a ginger twat
4. Princess Diana was a cock-sucking slapper
5. Turkish women smuggle heroin in their moustaches
6. Fat people smell of shit
7. I've never been to Ghana but I know it is mainly populated by retards
8. Ugly women should offer themselves up for sterilisation as a gesture of goodwill, and then drown themselves in vats of lukewarm semen
9. I use your toothbrush to clean the lice off my arsehair while you sleep
10. I was going to kill Jill Dando but some fat degenerate poofter beat me to it. It gave me a tremendous hard on, which was unexpected. But welcome.
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