10 lessons from the lav, as last night's curry dissolves both arse and plumbing

1. Don't take dinner recommendations from a grinning midget with red teeth.
2. In these circumstances it is advisable to ring ahead and warn the North Sea. Norwegians take a dim view of losing ships to radioactive faecal matter.
3. Rectal prolapse does not just happen to cats.
4. Eat more fibre, buy sturdier pants.
5. Dodgy curry + 1 pound of green grapes = what the Germans charmingly refer to as "durchfall".
6. Great inventions are dreamt up on the lav, such as the pebble-dash.
7. James Bond does not have this problem. Nor does Action Man. That said, Action Man has no bum-hole and his pants don't come off, so arguably his problems are greater.
8. Now matter how vast and horrible your toilet experience may be, it is unlikely to cause you to implode.
9. Humming the theme tune to Will O the Wisp is a pleasant way to mask chronic flatulence.
10. Always always always check for bog roll before taking a seat. Something which I, unfortunately, have failed to do on this occasion. Oh dear.