1. Casually inform them that their Dad works for your Dad. Then pause, tell them your Dad is a pimp, and hand them a small dictionary so they can look up "pimp". Wait.
2. Call them a spider-web. Start crying and then run to their mother and inform her that her child just called you a spider-web. And that they shat on the lawn. And burned the cat with matches. And that you suspect they may be gay. Show her a picture of He-Man with a crudely drawn phallus to back up your claim if required.
3. Ask the child it's name. Write that name on a list, inform the child that they are now "on your list" and walk away tutting before breaking into a chuckle.
4. Make a phone call to Santa, and ask an elf to take a message that the child wants its Mummy mutilated by a cougar for Christmas.
5. Smack it in the chops with a pike (fish, not pole-arm).
6. Offer to show the child an excellent hiding place, then lock it in a shed and post the shed to Belgium.
7. Beat it a Top Trumps. Over and over again. Then tell it it's ugly and stupid.
8. Send the child to a single-gender boarding school for about 10 years, preferably one in Switzerland. There it will be abused, mocked, bullied and psychologically damaged to such an extent that in later life it will take to wearing latex panties and volunteer to be locked in a cage for days at a time.
9. Just point and laugh.
10. Make a passing reference to "cooties", "nits" or fart-smells. The ensuing revulsion will give you enough time to leave and do something useful. Like drink. Or cry.
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