1: Can I have his stereo?
2: That's all very well, but who's gonna sell me ganja now? Dealers don't just grow on fucking trees.
3: To be honest, i always thought he was a bit of a twat.
4: Nice. All we've got to do is get auntie into an asylum and bingo - holiday home.
5: He touched me once you know... Bad touch.
6: Who cares? As long as his hooch recipe ain't died with him...
7: He was my uncle? fucking hell, now you tell me.
8: Uncle or not, he was the one who ran into my knife
9: That's great. I don't see why I had to be naked for this though.
10. He owed me a fiver. No wait. A tenner.
Friday, 22 February 2008
10 reasons to abolish the moon
1: It doesn't pay tax and as such is nothing but a parasitic leech on society
2: It's my moon, and I shall do with it as I please.
3: What if the man in the moon is lactose intolerant? Have you thought about that?
... inconsiderate bastards.
4: I need the space for my intergalactic battle station/porn stash.
5: Tides are lame.
6: Removing the moon may prove the only way to treat the irreversible onset of were-beings
7: Scientific types postulate that the size of the moon in inversely proportional to the size of my todger. No moon, epic trouser snake. You do the maths.
8: The moon , like so many other delinquents, likes to loiter around people's back gardens, mainly at night, causing untold damage to communities and often leading to minor arrests and drunken behaviour
9: The moon hates you and wants you dead. I saw it violating your hamster. Fact.
10: The moon, contrary to popular belief, is not actually perfectly round. What a disappointment.
2: It's my moon, and I shall do with it as I please.
3: What if the man in the moon is lactose intolerant? Have you thought about that?
... inconsiderate bastards.
4: I need the space for my intergalactic battle station/porn stash.
5: Tides are lame.
6: Removing the moon may prove the only way to treat the irreversible onset of were-beings
7: Scientific types postulate that the size of the moon in inversely proportional to the size of my todger. No moon, epic trouser snake. You do the maths.
8: The moon , like so many other delinquents, likes to loiter around people's back gardens, mainly at night, causing untold damage to communities and often leading to minor arrests and drunken behaviour
9: The moon hates you and wants you dead. I saw it violating your hamster. Fact.
10: The moon, contrary to popular belief, is not actually perfectly round. What a disappointment.
10 reasons why God would have created White Ace
1: He is benevolent after all, although prone to enjoying the sight of violence and bad teeth
2: Well why wouldn't he? For fucks sake.
3: He is far too busy to beat up the female population on a nightly basis by himself
4: He always wanted a liquid alternative to gypsies
5: He felt the need to capitalise on the growing cheap, strong cider market boom
6: He is dyslexic and was trying to create "The Raw Ice Dice".
7: Kittens drown quicker in Ace.
8: Crack cocaine wasn't as effective for urban regeneration as he had hoped
9: He was visited in the night by a monstrous platinum duck who ordered him to brew the Ace, otherwise Mr. Ducky would take a dump on his pillow. A runny one.
10: It was a misunderstanding based on God's desire to create an equivalent of the Ace of Spades
2: Well why wouldn't he? For fucks sake.
3: He is far too busy to beat up the female population on a nightly basis by himself
4: He always wanted a liquid alternative to gypsies
5: He felt the need to capitalise on the growing cheap, strong cider market boom
6: He is dyslexic and was trying to create "The Raw Ice Dice".
7: Kittens drown quicker in Ace.
8: Crack cocaine wasn't as effective for urban regeneration as he had hoped
9: He was visited in the night by a monstrous platinum duck who ordered him to brew the Ace, otherwise Mr. Ducky would take a dump on his pillow. A runny one.
10: It was a misunderstanding based on God's desire to create an equivalent of the Ace of Spades
10 alternative abbreviations (AA)
1: BT = Bulgarian Telekinesis
2: FBI = flabby belligerent individuals
3: IOC = irredeemable organisers of curling
4: GM = gout-ridden monstrosity
5: FIFA = Flatulent Iguanadons Fellate Amoebas
6: UN = Ululating nincompoops
7: BAPS = british association of plastic surgeons (wait that is a real one)
8: ACDC = Albatrosses Cum Diluted Custard
9: TUC = turds under control
10: GNER = Ginger North-Eastern Retards
2: FBI = flabby belligerent individuals
3: IOC = irredeemable organisers of curling
4: GM = gout-ridden monstrosity
5: FIFA = Flatulent Iguanadons Fellate Amoebas
6: UN = Ululating nincompoops
7: BAPS = british association of plastic surgeons (wait that is a real one)
8: ACDC = Albatrosses Cum Diluted Custard
9: TUC = turds under control
10: GNER = Ginger North-Eastern Retards
Saturday, 2 February 2008
10 inadequate euphemisms for a scrotum
1. Alexander the Great
2. Aunt Mable's ipod
3. The Belgian tourist board
4. 3 ounces of lube and a nice bouncy mango
5. A lump of homoerotic coal
6. A semi-detached in Billericay
7. Peter Schmichael: The Untold Story
8. A Coca-cola enema
9. A pair of jelly handcuffs with a side order of rough fellatio
10. Hillary Clinton's wet dream (plus optional plank).
2. Aunt Mable's ipod
3. The Belgian tourist board
4. 3 ounces of lube and a nice bouncy mango
5. A lump of homoerotic coal
6. A semi-detached in Billericay
7. Peter Schmichael: The Untold Story
8. A Coca-cola enema
9. A pair of jelly handcuffs with a side order of rough fellatio
10. Hillary Clinton's wet dream (plus optional plank).
10 unacceptable excuses for being late
1. My bell end got stuck in a koala
2. A koala got stuck on my bell end
3. I couldn't find anyone to babysit my spanners
4. I don't particularly like you, and every second spent away from you is a pleasure
5. The children took longer to drown than I'd planned
6. My bomb didn't go off
7. I was being vigourously fellated by a herd of wildebeast, and it would have been rude to leave before time.
8. Since the court case I am unable to use the short cut through the park
9. Burying kittens is thirsty work
10. You're late. (Fuck you) (You're not my Dad) (No Auntie, I won't go on the tea cup ride... Oh, Ok then.)
2. A koala got stuck on my bell end
3. I couldn't find anyone to babysit my spanners
4. I don't particularly like you, and every second spent away from you is a pleasure
5. The children took longer to drown than I'd planned
6. My bomb didn't go off
7. I was being vigourously fellated by a herd of wildebeast, and it would have been rude to leave before time.
8. Since the court case I am unable to use the short cut through the park
9. Burying kittens is thirsty work
10. You're late. (Fuck you) (You're not my Dad) (No Auntie, I won't go on the tea cup ride... Oh, Ok then.)
10 useless fashion accessories
1. A cape made from clay
2. France
3. Primeval gloves
4. An invisible cock-ring covered in invisible velcro with an invisible gibbon stapled to it (Gibbon optional).
5. A bible belt
6. Binary hoses
7. The pygmy arse-flute playing lesbian tribes of the Lower Indus (1985 edition, top trumps).
8. A small stick painted maroon
9. The steak epaulette (There is only one. It's mine. You can't have it . Fuck off)
10. Ceramic underwear with a gunpowder enamel
2. France
3. Primeval gloves
4. An invisible cock-ring covered in invisible velcro with an invisible gibbon stapled to it (Gibbon optional).
5. A bible belt
6. Binary hoses
7. The pygmy arse-flute playing lesbian tribes of the Lower Indus (1985 edition, top trumps).
8. A small stick painted maroon
9. The steak epaulette (There is only one. It's mine. You can't have it . Fuck off)
10. Ceramic underwear with a gunpowder enamel
10 IKEA product names that didn't make it
1. Uncomfortable chair
2. Rectal prolapse bean bag
3. Ugly bed for ugly person
4. Recycled foreskin deck chair
5. Herpes bedsheet (wipe clean)
6. Uncle Tommi's inappropriate hand gesture bath robe
7. Peed-on loo seat with tazer attachment
8. Self-imploding kitchen sink
9. Suspiciously rectum-friendly plastic fruit
10. Floral design hand grenade
2. Rectal prolapse bean bag
3. Ugly bed for ugly person
4. Recycled foreskin deck chair
5. Herpes bedsheet (wipe clean)
6. Uncle Tommi's inappropriate hand gesture bath robe
7. Peed-on loo seat with tazer attachment
8. Self-imploding kitchen sink
9. Suspiciously rectum-friendly plastic fruit
10. Floral design hand grenade
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)