1. Windows fucking Vista;
2. £15 million (does reverse psychology work on God?). (No. - God);
3. A tail. Where do you put it when you take a dump?;
4. Advertising. I am stupid enough as it is, and, over the past 30 years have proven astonishingly adept at buggering up my own morale fibre. I am in no need of assistance. (Steve's words, not mine...);
5. A big name department store shopping bag. I am just as happy puking in an Asda one;
6. Another personality. Two is quite enough. (no it isn't) (who asked you?) (repeat to fade);
7. This. See also 'you', 'it' and 'everything';
8. A small, rat-type dog to carry. If it has got more legs than me I can fucking well walk;
9. A partially-cracked item of crockery containing the remnants of something I tried to eat last week. Probably with mayonnaise in. Or spunk. (Oddly this is the only item on this list I actually own);
10. A hydrogen-based life form called 'Niels' summering in my scrotum. So there.
Thursday, 10 May 2007
10 modern routes to fame
1. Have a rich daddy (or mummy) - just as long as they are not married anymore;
2. Get out of a car with no pants on. In fact, generally shun the undergarment ethic all together;
3. Invent a cure for something (or invent a disease and then a cure for it) and name it after yourself;
4. Put on 17 stone, get on a shit reality show, give a crap blowjob to a bald brummie, get your 'kebab' out and reduce your IQ to that of a house brick. Twice;
5. Shag a footballer or at least pretend you did;
6. Win the lottery and then spend the next 10 years proving how little you deserved it. Note: may require a custodial sentence or two and ownership of a Glasgow Rangers shirt;
7. Be orange;
8. Go back in time and write yourself into 'Great Expectations' by Charles Dickens;
9. Get your tits out for the lads;
10. Accidentally film yourself having sex. Accidentally post the footage on the internet. Accidentally tell everyone where to find the footage using the medium of MySpace.
2. Get out of a car with no pants on. In fact, generally shun the undergarment ethic all together;
3. Invent a cure for something (or invent a disease and then a cure for it) and name it after yourself;
4. Put on 17 stone, get on a shit reality show, give a crap blowjob to a bald brummie, get your 'kebab' out and reduce your IQ to that of a house brick. Twice;
5. Shag a footballer or at least pretend you did;
6. Win the lottery and then spend the next 10 years proving how little you deserved it. Note: may require a custodial sentence or two and ownership of a Glasgow Rangers shirt;
7. Be orange;
8. Go back in time and write yourself into 'Great Expectations' by Charles Dickens;
9. Get your tits out for the lads;
10. Accidentally film yourself having sex. Accidentally post the footage on the internet. Accidentally tell everyone where to find the footage using the medium of MySpace.
Sunday, 6 May 2007
10 crucial facts about hovercrafting
1. The first hovercraft was invented and patented by the English inventor Christopher Cockerell in 1952;
2. Finnish engineer DI Toivo J. Kaario, head inspector of Valtion Lentokonetehdas (VL) airplane engine workshop, began to design an air cushion craft in 1931;
3. A hovercfraft is technically a concept;
4. Two M-11 radial aero-engines were installed horizontally in the funnel-shaped wells on the platform which connected the catamaran hulls together;
5. As of 7th November 2005 the Dover-Calais cross channel company Hoverspeed, which once ran the Hovercraft, ceased operations of its last remaining service, the Seacat;
6. These fingers 'give' in order to take the impact of waves so that the ride is more comfortable;
7. Negative pitch will slow the craft down and is also the hovercraft's braking system;
8. The lift fans pump air down into the large space beneath the craft called the 'plenum';
9. The most expensive hovercraft ever assembled, the Jamal, was built in 1982 to the tune of $13,233.78. The craft partially imploded only minutes into its maiden voyage, causing some upset among its passengers. The project was generally considered a failure;
10. One hovercraft is roughly equal to one racing car, a fit leopard and a really fast space ship.
2. Finnish engineer DI Toivo J. Kaario, head inspector of Valtion Lentokonetehdas (VL) airplane engine workshop, began to design an air cushion craft in 1931;
3. A hovercfraft is technically a concept;
4. Two M-11 radial aero-engines were installed horizontally in the funnel-shaped wells on the platform which connected the catamaran hulls together;
5. As of 7th November 2005 the Dover-Calais cross channel company Hoverspeed, which once ran the Hovercraft, ceased operations of its last remaining service, the Seacat;
6. These fingers 'give' in order to take the impact of waves so that the ride is more comfortable;
7. Negative pitch will slow the craft down and is also the hovercraft's braking system;
8. The lift fans pump air down into the large space beneath the craft called the 'plenum';
9. The most expensive hovercraft ever assembled, the Jamal, was built in 1982 to the tune of $13,233.78. The craft partially imploded only minutes into its maiden voyage, causing some upset among its passengers. The project was generally considered a failure;
10. One hovercraft is roughly equal to one racing car, a fit leopard and a really fast space ship.
10 things to do when you can't access the internet
1. Recreate the entire world-wide web in html code in notepad, and then surf offline at your own leisure;
2. Make prank calls to Boris Becker, or someone who vaguely resembles him;
3. Construct a cape out of disused furniture and fight crime;
4. Go outside. You'll find people there, too;
5. Call your parents and catch up. Only joking;
6. Write pointless lists that no one will read or find amusing;
7. Watch teletext, the 'other' internet;
8. Use your imagination;
9. Recreate your favourite websites using the medium of mime and generous servings of gin. Note: mime optional;
10. Go to bed. It won't kill you, unless you're destined to die in your sleep. In which case death could strike at any moment, provided that you are asleep.
2. Make prank calls to Boris Becker, or someone who vaguely resembles him;
3. Construct a cape out of disused furniture and fight crime;
4. Go outside. You'll find people there, too;
5. Call your parents and catch up. Only joking;
6. Write pointless lists that no one will read or find amusing;
7. Watch teletext, the 'other' internet;
8. Use your imagination;
9. Recreate your favourite websites using the medium of mime and generous servings of gin. Note: mime optional;
10. Go to bed. It won't kill you, unless you're destined to die in your sleep. In which case death could strike at any moment, provided that you are asleep.
Saturday, 5 May 2007
10 modern reasons for invading a sovereign country
1. They can kill us in 45 minutes (don't' worry if this later turns out not to be true. It'll make no difference whatsoever);
2. We need to attack, maim, kill and completely incapacitate you in order to free you from the shackles of tyranny;
3. We have absolutely no proof that you are currently sponsoring terrorism;
4. We're running out of oil;
5. George Bush told me to;
6. Cultural regeneration;
7. How else can we spread our message of peace and tolerance?;
8. The opinion polls are taking a dip;
9. They stopped showing Dawson's Creek;
10. Guantanamo Bay.
2. We need to attack, maim, kill and completely incapacitate you in order to free you from the shackles of tyranny;
3. We have absolutely no proof that you are currently sponsoring terrorism;
4. We're running out of oil;
5. George Bush told me to;
6. Cultural regeneration;
7. How else can we spread our message of peace and tolerance?;
8. The opinion polls are taking a dip;
9. They stopped showing Dawson's Creek;
10. Guantanamo Bay.
10 made up words
1. Spankathon;
2. Flandergharst(s);
3. Discomestibility;
4. Sombrerical;
5. Quailasticity;
6. Pandalicious;
7. Spamunition;
8. Spleek;
9. Forklymost;
10. Lamplitude.
2. Flandergharst(s);
3. Discomestibility;
4. Sombrerical;
5. Quailasticity;
6. Pandalicious;
7. Spamunition;
8. Spleek;
9. Forklymost;
10. Lamplitude.
10 things that no amount of training will enable a recently deceased pike to achieve (what? - Ed.)
1. Winning the Olympic 110 metre hurdles final, blindfold, with your mouth full of marbles whilst being brutally tickled by an enamoured grizzly bear;
2. A clearer understanding of the mating habits of the Quail. Quail! Not again...;
3. Passing an undigested landmine through you alimentary canal (ie from mouth to sphincter);
4. The cha-cha-cha;
5. Nasa employee of the month;
6. Proving that there exists a solution to an + bn = cn for all values of n where n>2;
7. A subtle sense of achievement;
8. Backwards compatibility;
9. A passable cow impression (under duress);
10. A higher social status in medieval Flanders.
2. A clearer understanding of the mating habits of the Quail. Quail! Not again...;
3. Passing an undigested landmine through you alimentary canal (ie from mouth to sphincter);
4. The cha-cha-cha;
5. Nasa employee of the month;
6. Proving that there exists a solution to an + bn = cn for all values of n where n>2;
7. A subtle sense of achievement;
8. Backwards compatibility;
9. A passable cow impression (under duress);
10. A higher social status in medieval Flanders.
10 ways to like, you know, relax maaaan
1. Write the words 'cock and balls' at the top of every page of the Collins Pocket Guide to Woodland Fungi;
2. Give yourself a zesty marmalade rub down. Thick cut conserve is best;
3. Buy some heroin and a warm can of ironically named 'Tenants', and then lie in the road shouting obscenities at passing mice;
4. Wear a particularly soothing hat. Note: hat optional;
5. Recreate the battle of Arnhem using Brylcreem and possibly advice from your mate's nan. If that doesn't relax you nothing will;
6. Don't buy Razzle. It is shit;
7. Rediscover gravel. Can be most satisfying when undertaken waist deep in novelty treacle;
8. Lend £5 to a duck. Its gentle quacks of appreciation will make you feel all special. Note: duck optional;
9. As in point 7, however with some changes. Or not. Doesn't matter, as long as you relax. Just fucking relax! Or not;
10. Wear beige briefs;
Note: none of the above work. Except the bit about wearing beige briefs. Essentially a combination of soft drugs and gentle masturbation is what you're looking for here. Now go away.
2. Give yourself a zesty marmalade rub down. Thick cut conserve is best;
3. Buy some heroin and a warm can of ironically named 'Tenants', and then lie in the road shouting obscenities at passing mice;
4. Wear a particularly soothing hat. Note: hat optional;
5. Recreate the battle of Arnhem using Brylcreem and possibly advice from your mate's nan. If that doesn't relax you nothing will;
6. Don't buy Razzle. It is shit;
7. Rediscover gravel. Can be most satisfying when undertaken waist deep in novelty treacle;
8. Lend £5 to a duck. Its gentle quacks of appreciation will make you feel all special. Note: duck optional;
9. As in point 7, however with some changes. Or not. Doesn't matter, as long as you relax. Just fucking relax! Or not;
10. Wear beige briefs;
Note: none of the above work. Except the bit about wearing beige briefs. Essentially a combination of soft drugs and gentle masturbation is what you're looking for here. Now go away.
10 things that Carlsson thought about whilst taking a piss
1. An old issue of Razzle can provide a colourful and evocative base for papier mache;
2. The internet is pointless without porn;
3. Can I dislodge that piece of grime using the powerful spray of my loins?;
4. Where?
5. ..and possibly, err, where?
6. "I like big butts and I cannot lie...";
7. "Christ! I hope this is a urinal..";
8. "Sorry love - clearly you are not a urinal";
9. Why is it "a urinal" but "an umbrella"?;
10. Is that the best thing I have ever thought about?
2. The internet is pointless without porn;
3. Can I dislodge that piece of grime using the powerful spray of my loins?;
4. Where?
5. ..and possibly, err, where?
6. "I like big butts and I cannot lie...";
7. "Christ! I hope this is a urinal..";
8. "Sorry love - clearly you are not a urinal";
9. Why is it "a urinal" but "an umbrella"?;
10. Is that the best thing I have ever thought about?
10 acceptable phrases to be exclaimed whilst being spanked by a mistress (or master)
1. "Mother, is this really necessary?"
2. "3 chilli wings and a bucket of beans - hold the coleslaw matron!"
3. "That actually quite hurts, you know?"
4. "This may all be fine, but I certainly shan't place YOUR pants on MY head"
5. "Crystal Palace 3 - Brighton Hove Albion 0"
6. "Is that all you've got?"
7. *a ukulele impression* "bang-bang-bang-pling!"
8. "How dare you not touch my eagle of justice?"
9. "Mr. coco starfish says 'ow'!"
10. "If you find my father, please tell him to vacate my derriere"
2. "3 chilli wings and a bucket of beans - hold the coleslaw matron!"
3. "That actually quite hurts, you know?"
4. "This may all be fine, but I certainly shan't place YOUR pants on MY head"
5. "Crystal Palace 3 - Brighton Hove Albion 0"
6. "Is that all you've got?"
7. *a ukulele impression* "bang-bang-bang-pling!"
8. "How dare you not touch my eagle of justice?"
9. "Mr. coco starfish says 'ow'!"
10. "If you find my father, please tell him to vacate my derriere"
10 chat up lines that, in an ideal world, would not result in laughter or a slap in the facial region
1. "Minky!!"
2. "I have a tiny penis. Please don't laugh."
3. "Have you ever witnessed a male rectal prolapse?"
4. "... I was just trying to look up his nose"
5. "Congratulations. You are the clock"
6. "Can I come in your ear?" (clearly one of Steve's lines, - Ed.)
7. "You will find our relations wholly unsatisfactory, but I'll be fast asleep by then"
8. "Can I put my cha-cha in your hoo-hoo-dilly?"
9. "Skal du med hjem og bappe på fars vandpibe?"
10. "I am absolutely skint". The end.
2. "I have a tiny penis. Please don't laugh."
3. "Have you ever witnessed a male rectal prolapse?"
4. "... I was just trying to look up his nose"
5. "Congratulations. You are the clock"
6. "Can I come in your ear?" (clearly one of Steve's lines, - Ed.)
7. "You will find our relations wholly unsatisfactory, but I'll be fast asleep by then"
8. "Can I put my cha-cha in your hoo-hoo-dilly?"
9. "Skal du med hjem og bappe på fars vandpibe?"
10. "I am absolutely skint". The end.
10 satisfying things about being a male man
1. Post-tinkle, one has something to shake;
2. Passing wind is appropriate in same-sex company;
3. Mid-doody pops, one may read the Financial Timessss;
4. Playing with yourself is a pleasing and ultimately sedative manner in which to while away lengthy train journeys;
5. Discussing your tangy body odour is by no means a faux-pas;
6. Readjusting your own private bits in public is a right, not a privilege - provided you refer to the act as a "cabinet reshuffle" and nothing else;
7. Minky!!
8. A good spanking never did me any harm. I don't fear it and nor should you;
9. In the company of other male men the quaffing piss, hole fingering and a nice, firm bottom spanking are both accepted, and expected;
10. You are obsolete. Act accordingly.
2. Passing wind is appropriate in same-sex company;
3. Mid-doody pops, one may read the Financial Timessss;
4. Playing with yourself is a pleasing and ultimately sedative manner in which to while away lengthy train journeys;
5. Discussing your tangy body odour is by no means a faux-pas;
6. Readjusting your own private bits in public is a right, not a privilege - provided you refer to the act as a "cabinet reshuffle" and nothing else;
7. Minky!!
8. A good spanking never did me any harm. I don't fear it and nor should you;
9. In the company of other male men the quaffing piss, hole fingering and a nice, firm bottom spanking are both accepted, and expected;
10. You are obsolete. Act accordingly.
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