10 English phrases whose use should be punishable by death.. Oh, all right, not death. But certainly a nice firm smack in the chops.

1: "Like, the 80s called, they want their /insert slightly elderly item of clothing/ back".
2: "Yuh-huh" ( A combination, I believe, of "Yeah" and "uh-huh" - for people too lazy to choose).
3: "I think I'm starting to like that David Cameron chap"
4: "McFly"
5: "Jeremy Clarkson" (unless it is IMMEDIATELY followed by "Is an insufferable twat")
6: "With respect, Steve, your are wrong".
7: "What a lovely pashmina!!"
8: "Is it in yet?"
9: "Dear Mr. Steve, We regret to inform you that once again you have exceeded your agreed over draft limit, and as such..."
10: "I honestly think England have a real chance of winning the /insert trophy we have not the slightest hope of even qualifying for/..."

10 things that the Greeks overlooked when making up gods

1: Brewer's droop
2: Parking spaces (including meters)
3: Facial hair
4: Paper cuts
5: Arseholes
6: Biscuits
7: Contraception
8: Spelling
9: Conkers (for the benefit of our one American reader in Dupont, CA - it's a game where small children attempt to shatter one another's knuckles with overgrown chestnuts covered in glue)
10: Shopping trolleys.

10 ways to spot when someone is dead

1: When you shout "Stop" they do not instinctively respond with "Hammertime".
2: After a short upsurge in bedtime stamina, their performance between the sheets becomes consistently lacklustre and increasingly distant.
3: Their saxophone playing skills cease to develop at the expected rate.
4: They can sit all the way through Titanic without vomiting.
5: They develop an uncanny knack for winning at Musical Chairs.
6: They never get their round in.
7: Someone puts them in a big wooden box and buries it.
8: White-water kayaking no longer seems to hold them in such a thrall as it used to.
9: They allow the dog to keep humping their leg "to completion".
10: They become the one thing in your flat that smells worse than you do. (NOTE: At this point is is advisable to unchain them from the radiator and spark up the bonfire).

10 things we are yet to find a suitable use for

1: Employment
2: Cushions
3: Carl's Euro 2004 "clappy" hat
4: Windows Vista
5: The White Wine Spritzer
6: Lichtenstein
7: Steve McLaren
8: Non-alcoholic beer
9: Carl's collection of medieval Macedonian capes
10: Penis enlargement devices. (By Steve. That's Steve).

10 things you never knew you didn't know about parakeet maintenance

1. A parakeet is actually not as bird;
2. When in the vicinity of Devon custard cream, male parakeets let out effeminate yelps similar in sound to a 1987 Morris Ital going from 2nd to 3rd gear on a gravel surface. Has historically led to gross misunderstandings and several political upsets.
3. Parakeets are not allowed to win the superbowl, despite the recent relaxation of NFL governing rules;
4. Parakeet spelt backwards is, perhaps unsurprisingly, teekarap;
5. A parakeet is the only bird believed to have been present during the signing of the Treaty of Versaille. It was later put down following a bout of dysentery, - the suspicions where firmly laid at the French camp;
6. James Hetfield of Metallica owns and breeds several dead parakeets;
7. The parakeet gets its name from the Moldovian word for 'interoperability';
8. 1 in 3 parakeets suffer from a rare, debilitating and intolerable shyness, often leading to seasonal melancholy and introspection followed by sporadic yodelling;
9. It takes roughly two and two-thirds parakeet to make a feathered glove suitable for the strenuous demands of curling or other such indoor, ice-based sporting ventures;
10. Parakeet pie tastes like shit.

10 things you can't do on eBay

1: Swim
2: Sell your immortal soul
3: Mix butter with clay
4: Calculate the half-life of your pants
5: Calculate the half-life of anyone else's pants
6: Stick it to the man
7: Reverse the aging process
8: Get your household waste to compost down to a really good loam
9: Rob George Bush (Jnr) of his capacity to further contribute to the gene pool
10: Abseil down a moat (Note: This can't be done outside of eBay either)

10 words we'd like to use more

1: Rambunctious
2: Gauleiter
3: Nipple-clamp (there's a hyphen in it, I tell you!)
4: Masthead
5: Ululation
6: Moist
7: No
8: Flange
9: Sesquipedalian
10: Clutter (a happy union of clay and butter)

10 suggestively-named foodstuffs

1: Jerk chicken
2: Hobnob
3: Coq au vin
4: Birdseye Tangy Beef Pocket
5: Chocolate fingers
6: Fish fingers
7: Teabags
8: Nuter Butter
9: Fudge
10: Chocolate starfish

10 things that are untrue of "swarfega"

1: It is an anagram of "chip fat motherfucker"
2: It has just enough letters to be tatooed across your knuckles
3: It is a suitable bed-time lubricant
4: 8 out of 10 cats prefer it
5: It is made out of freshly massacred puppies
6: It is the "secret ingredient" the Colonel's "secret" recipe - and as such is finger lickin' good.
7: It occurs no less than 15 times in the Belgian national anthem
8: A dog named after it invented the Spinning Jenny
9: Its favourite colour is pink
10: It votes Conservative

For more information on swarfega, please click here:
Wikipedia Swarfega page (yes, there is one)

10 ways to improve the game of golf

We all know playing golf is trite, shite and devoid of delight. It should, as a rule, be avoided at all costs as a form of recreation or indeed for any other purposes. Here's ten suggestions that we believe will revolutionise the game.

1. Fill all bunkers with liquid hot magma (or boiling tar should the course find itself some distance from a volcano or magma-store)
2. Summarily shoot anyone who shouts “get in the hole”
3. Replace the hole with the sandmonster from Star Wars
4. Replace the ball with a well-crafted lump of dynamite
5. Publish notices on all golf courses forbidding the act of donning clothes to look like someone's dad
6. Award points for artistic merit
7. All golf clubs should be constructed from materials relating to the clubs' names, except the putter which should be gently fabricated from butter mixed with clay
8. Golfers should be made to wash their hands before, during and after putting, preferably in a manner that suggests some familiarity with the lewd mannerisms of an ageing Uzbek sailor
9. Strip golf should be invented
10. Colin Montgomery should instantly be banned from playing strip golf

10 things that should be uninvented and suggestions for their replacements

1. Those crappy little scooters. To be replaced with hooverboards
2. Work. To be replaced with time off
3. Hangover. To be replaced with the Hungover, where drinking alcohol increases the size of your penis/breasts/vulva
4. Mornings. To be replaced with double-length afternoons (this is to have no bearing on cultural morning time icons such as Jeremy Kyle, whose topical low-brow discussion programme is to be aired as normal)
5. Conversation. To be replaced with sex (or derivatives thereof)
6. Unhealthy food. To be replaced with food that has all the qualities and characteristics of unhealthy food whilst being completely healthy
7. Street performers. To be replaced with golden statues of Steve
8. Problems. To be replaced with saline solutions, or 'fun' things
9. War. To be replaced with a cueing competition because the British will win
10. Spelling of the word “cue”. To be replaced with “queue” (can be done retroactively,- see point 9)

10 theme parks that should never be

1: Colonectomy Land
2: Barbara Streis-Land
3: The Wonderful World of Salmonella
4: Dyslexia Them Perk
5: Michael Jackson's Kiddie Paradise (no, wait... Neverland?)
6: Kevin Keegan's Barnet Fair
7: Ragnarok Armageddon Fun Park
8: Guantanamo Towers
9: Slurry World (now incorporating the Gravel Zone)
10: Steve Irwin's Stingray Water Park

10 things that doesn't rhyme with 'lisp'

We all know writing prose is a cumbersome, perspiration-inducing and pointless exercise that should only be attempted when a) drunk, b) in love or c) when there's nothing on telly, you haven't eaten for days and the lack of visual stimuli and sustenance leads you to believe that Gaulois-puffin', beret-sporting intellectual beatsters who give a shit about poetry actually exist and should be fed morsels of rhyme from the pool of prosaic malnourishment.
For all other occasions, here's a list of ten things that doesn't rhyme with the word 'lisp' (accompanied by a picture of a French marine for no particular reason):
1. abrasive;
2. kennel;
3. 37
4. didactic;
5. booklet;
6. the Gothenburg principle;
7. plausible;
8. the sound of a thousand beaks rattling in a Morrison's bag;
9. mustard;
10. the fight for Flemish interdependence, 1876-1875



"French Marine Cleaning His Pouch Using Butter and Clay"
Jean-Bruillard Degenera't 1876

10 things they should have taught you in school

We all know going to school is tantamount to taking all semblances of the human spirit, grinding them down and moulding the naïve gooey remains into the shape of a dysfunctional adult. It is like work but without the realism. Here's a hastily compiled list of things they should have taught us in school that for some reason were omitted from the curriculum:

1. It doesn't really matter if the earth is flat or round. You will still be required to get a job.
2. Being alive is, generally, a series of failures, unfulfilled desires and remembering to take the trash out on Thursdays. Biology currently does not go far enough in accounting for this phenomenon.
3. Calculators are actually easier to use than mental arithmentic, and frequently give a more accurate result.
4. Negative numbers are, for all intents and purposes, only useful as a measure of how much debt you're in at any given point.
5. Failure to hand in homework on time does not in any way increase the likelihood of getting prostate cancer, affect one's ability to successfully navigate through IKEA on a Saturday afternoon or help elucidate the meaning of life.
6. Having a job is an awful, protracted experience only surpassed by dementia and poorly-run care homes.
7. Miracles seldom, if at all, happen. Especially not to you.
8. Latin is a useless subject, the knowledge of which will never prove handy in any situation outside of the British Museum.
9. Denial works.
10. Violence does frequently solve things.