(The following list has been contributed by the soon to be second most famous computational linguist in the world. A lady of mystery she moves in the murkier realms of South Korean science, sleeping cats and Svenska Dagbladet. Let's call her Syntax Terror (it's a Commodore 64 joke of sorts). We look forward to more contributions in the future (or even in the past, should that ever become possible)). Here's an additional parenthesis for good measure: ")"
1. No sugar daddy or sugar momma will take you on if they know you're employed and thus not available 24/7;
2. “You're calling your wife a wino... on national television!!!” (aka Jeremy Kyle);
3. Unemployment sounds contrary and rebellious;
4. It will also get you more points in Scrabble than employment– guaranteed!;
5. The leaving do > the Christmas party;
6. You finally get round to reading all those Tolstoys on your desk, Guardian abridged-read style;
7. It's the only opportunity to be a guest contributor to Tengasm;
8. In some circles, if you've worked AND studied, you're a polymath!;
9. “yes Gran, I am studying to be a medical doctor”;
10. Normal employment = great for party anecdotes and nostalgic reminiscing. SIGH.
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
10 things for Steve to do today
1. Find an OS X version of Championship Manager;
2. Develop crude but semi-Quail like dance moves;
3. The same as above, but whilst looking for an OS X version of Championship Manager;
4. Get over the fact that he has been called an albatross;
5. Initiate phase one of moving to a farm and becoming self-sufficient and then flogging shit;
6. Install the Commodore 64 emulator 'Vice' find out how to play Bruce Lee over a network;
7. Wait for the cows to come home;
8. Adapt a neutral but firm stance on issues of the heart;
9. Do a google search for the letter 'F' then make some unrelated pie-charts;
10. Have a nervous breakdown and general panic vis-a-vis laptop purchases.
2. Develop crude but semi-Quail like dance moves;
3. The same as above, but whilst looking for an OS X version of Championship Manager;
4. Get over the fact that he has been called an albatross;
5. Initiate phase one of moving to a farm and becoming self-sufficient and then flogging shit;
6. Install the Commodore 64 emulator 'Vice' find out how to play Bruce Lee over a network;
7. Wait for the cows to come home;
8. Adapt a neutral but firm stance on issues of the heart;
9. Do a google search for the letter 'F' then make some unrelated pie-charts;
10. Have a nervous breakdown and general panic vis-a-vis laptop purchases.
Thursday, 10 May 2007
10 things I don't need
1. Windows fucking Vista;
2. £15 million (does reverse psychology work on God?). (No. - God);
3. A tail. Where do you put it when you take a dump?;
4. Advertising. I am stupid enough as it is, and, over the past 30 years have proven astonishingly adept at buggering up my own morale fibre. I am in no need of assistance. (Steve's words, not mine...);
5. A big name department store shopping bag. I am just as happy puking in an Asda one;
6. Another personality. Two is quite enough. (no it isn't) (who asked you?) (repeat to fade);
7. This. See also 'you', 'it' and 'everything';
8. A small, rat-type dog to carry. If it has got more legs than me I can fucking well walk;
9. A partially-cracked item of crockery containing the remnants of something I tried to eat last week. Probably with mayonnaise in. Or spunk. (Oddly this is the only item on this list I actually own);
10. A hydrogen-based life form called 'Niels' summering in my scrotum. So there.
2. £15 million (does reverse psychology work on God?). (No. - God);
3. A tail. Where do you put it when you take a dump?;
4. Advertising. I am stupid enough as it is, and, over the past 30 years have proven astonishingly adept at buggering up my own morale fibre. I am in no need of assistance. (Steve's words, not mine...);
5. A big name department store shopping bag. I am just as happy puking in an Asda one;
6. Another personality. Two is quite enough. (no it isn't) (who asked you?) (repeat to fade);
7. This. See also 'you', 'it' and 'everything';
8. A small, rat-type dog to carry. If it has got more legs than me I can fucking well walk;
9. A partially-cracked item of crockery containing the remnants of something I tried to eat last week. Probably with mayonnaise in. Or spunk. (Oddly this is the only item on this list I actually own);
10. A hydrogen-based life form called 'Niels' summering in my scrotum. So there.
10 modern routes to fame
1. Have a rich daddy (or mummy) - just as long as they are not married anymore;
2. Get out of a car with no pants on. In fact, generally shun the undergarment ethic all together;
3. Invent a cure for something (or invent a disease and then a cure for it) and name it after yourself;
4. Put on 17 stone, get on a shit reality show, give a crap blowjob to a bald brummie, get your 'kebab' out and reduce your IQ to that of a house brick. Twice;
5. Shag a footballer or at least pretend you did;
6. Win the lottery and then spend the next 10 years proving how little you deserved it. Note: may require a custodial sentence or two and ownership of a Glasgow Rangers shirt;
7. Be orange;
8. Go back in time and write yourself into 'Great Expectations' by Charles Dickens;
9. Get your tits out for the lads;
10. Accidentally film yourself having sex. Accidentally post the footage on the internet. Accidentally tell everyone where to find the footage using the medium of MySpace.
2. Get out of a car with no pants on. In fact, generally shun the undergarment ethic all together;
3. Invent a cure for something (or invent a disease and then a cure for it) and name it after yourself;
4. Put on 17 stone, get on a shit reality show, give a crap blowjob to a bald brummie, get your 'kebab' out and reduce your IQ to that of a house brick. Twice;
5. Shag a footballer or at least pretend you did;
6. Win the lottery and then spend the next 10 years proving how little you deserved it. Note: may require a custodial sentence or two and ownership of a Glasgow Rangers shirt;
7. Be orange;
8. Go back in time and write yourself into 'Great Expectations' by Charles Dickens;
9. Get your tits out for the lads;
10. Accidentally film yourself having sex. Accidentally post the footage on the internet. Accidentally tell everyone where to find the footage using the medium of MySpace.
Sunday, 6 May 2007
10 crucial facts about hovercrafting
1. The first hovercraft was invented and patented by the English inventor Christopher Cockerell in 1952;
2. Finnish engineer DI Toivo J. Kaario, head inspector of Valtion Lentokonetehdas (VL) airplane engine workshop, began to design an air cushion craft in 1931;
3. A hovercfraft is technically a concept;
4. Two M-11 radial aero-engines were installed horizontally in the funnel-shaped wells on the platform which connected the catamaran hulls together;
5. As of 7th November 2005 the Dover-Calais cross channel company Hoverspeed, which once ran the Hovercraft, ceased operations of its last remaining service, the Seacat;
6. These fingers 'give' in order to take the impact of waves so that the ride is more comfortable;
7. Negative pitch will slow the craft down and is also the hovercraft's braking system;
8. The lift fans pump air down into the large space beneath the craft called the 'plenum';
9. The most expensive hovercraft ever assembled, the Jamal, was built in 1982 to the tune of $13,233.78. The craft partially imploded only minutes into its maiden voyage, causing some upset among its passengers. The project was generally considered a failure;
10. One hovercraft is roughly equal to one racing car, a fit leopard and a really fast space ship.
2. Finnish engineer DI Toivo J. Kaario, head inspector of Valtion Lentokonetehdas (VL) airplane engine workshop, began to design an air cushion craft in 1931;
3. A hovercfraft is technically a concept;
4. Two M-11 radial aero-engines were installed horizontally in the funnel-shaped wells on the platform which connected the catamaran hulls together;
5. As of 7th November 2005 the Dover-Calais cross channel company Hoverspeed, which once ran the Hovercraft, ceased operations of its last remaining service, the Seacat;
6. These fingers 'give' in order to take the impact of waves so that the ride is more comfortable;
7. Negative pitch will slow the craft down and is also the hovercraft's braking system;
8. The lift fans pump air down into the large space beneath the craft called the 'plenum';
9. The most expensive hovercraft ever assembled, the Jamal, was built in 1982 to the tune of $13,233.78. The craft partially imploded only minutes into its maiden voyage, causing some upset among its passengers. The project was generally considered a failure;
10. One hovercraft is roughly equal to one racing car, a fit leopard and a really fast space ship.
10 things to do when you can't access the internet
1. Recreate the entire world-wide web in html code in notepad, and then surf offline at your own leisure;
2. Make prank calls to Boris Becker, or someone who vaguely resembles him;
3. Construct a cape out of disused furniture and fight crime;
4. Go outside. You'll find people there, too;
5. Call your parents and catch up. Only joking;
6. Write pointless lists that no one will read or find amusing;
7. Watch teletext, the 'other' internet;
8. Use your imagination;
9. Recreate your favourite websites using the medium of mime and generous servings of gin. Note: mime optional;
10. Go to bed. It won't kill you, unless you're destined to die in your sleep. In which case death could strike at any moment, provided that you are asleep.
2. Make prank calls to Boris Becker, or someone who vaguely resembles him;
3. Construct a cape out of disused furniture and fight crime;
4. Go outside. You'll find people there, too;
5. Call your parents and catch up. Only joking;
6. Write pointless lists that no one will read or find amusing;
7. Watch teletext, the 'other' internet;
8. Use your imagination;
9. Recreate your favourite websites using the medium of mime and generous servings of gin. Note: mime optional;
10. Go to bed. It won't kill you, unless you're destined to die in your sleep. In which case death could strike at any moment, provided that you are asleep.
Saturday, 5 May 2007
10 modern reasons for invading a sovereign country
1. They can kill us in 45 minutes (don't' worry if this later turns out not to be true. It'll make no difference whatsoever);
2. We need to attack, maim, kill and completely incapacitate you in order to free you from the shackles of tyranny;
3. We have absolutely no proof that you are currently sponsoring terrorism;
4. We're running out of oil;
5. George Bush told me to;
6. Cultural regeneration;
7. How else can we spread our message of peace and tolerance?;
8. The opinion polls are taking a dip;
9. They stopped showing Dawson's Creek;
10. Guantanamo Bay.
2. We need to attack, maim, kill and completely incapacitate you in order to free you from the shackles of tyranny;
3. We have absolutely no proof that you are currently sponsoring terrorism;
4. We're running out of oil;
5. George Bush told me to;
6. Cultural regeneration;
7. How else can we spread our message of peace and tolerance?;
8. The opinion polls are taking a dip;
9. They stopped showing Dawson's Creek;
10. Guantanamo Bay.
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