10 things to do when you can't access the internet

1. Recreate the entire world-wide web in html code in notepad, and then surf offline at your own leisure;
2. Make prank calls to Boris Becker, or someone who vaguely resembles him;
3. Construct a cape out of disused furniture and fight crime;
4. Go outside. You'll find people there, too;
5. Call your parents and catch up. Only joking;
6. Write pointless lists that no one will read or find amusing;
7. Watch teletext, the 'other' internet;
8. Use your imagination;
9. Recreate your favourite websites using the medium of mime and generous servings of gin. Note: mime optional;
10. Go to bed. It won't kill you, unless you're destined to die in your sleep. In which case death could strike at any moment, provided that you are asleep.

10 modern reasons for invading a sovereign country

1. They can kill us in 45 minutes (don't' worry if this later turns out not to be true. It'll make no difference whatsoever);
2. We need to attack, maim, kill and completely incapacitate you in order to free you from the shackles of tyranny;
3. We have absolutely no proof that you are currently sponsoring terrorism;
4. We're running out of oil;
5. George Bush told me to;
6. Cultural regeneration;
7. How else can we spread our message of peace and tolerance?;
8. The opinion polls are taking a dip;
9. They stopped showing Dawson's Creek;
10. Guantanamo Bay.

10 made up words

1. Spankathon;
2. Flandergharst(s);
3. Discomestibility;
4. Sombrerical;
5. Quailasticity;
6. Pandalicious;
7. Spamunition;
8. Spleek;
9. Forklymost;
10. Lamplitude.

10 things that no amount of training will enable a recently deceased pike to achieve (what? - Ed.)

1. Winning the Olympic 110 metre hurdles final, blindfold, with your mouth full of marbles whilst being brutally tickled by an enamoured grizzly bear;
2. A clearer understanding of the mating habits of the Quail. Quail! Not again...;
3. Passing an undigested landmine through you alimentary canal (ie from mouth to sphincter);
4. The cha-cha-cha;
5. Nasa employee of the month;
6. Proving that there exists a solution to aⁿ + bⁿ = cⁿ for all values of n where n>2;
7. A subtle sense of achievement;
8. Backwards compatibility;
9. A passable cow impression (under duress);
10. A higher social status in medieval Flanders.

10 ways to like, you know, relax maaaan

1. Write the words 'cock and balls' at the top of every page of the Collins Pocket Guide to Woodland Fungi;
2. Give yourself a zesty marmalade rub down. Thick cut conserve is best;
3. Buy some heroin and a warm can of ironically named 'Tenants', and then lie in the road shouting obscenities at passing mice;
4. Wear a particularly soothing hat. Note: hat optional;
5. Recreate the battle of Arnhem using Brylcreem and possibly advice from your mate's nan. If that doesn't relax you nothing will;
6. Don't buy Razzle. It is shit;
7. Rediscover gravel. Can be most satisfying when undertaken waist deep in novelty treacle;
8. Lend £5 to a duck. Its gentle quacks of appreciation will make you feel all special. Note: duck optional;
9. As in point 7, however with some changes. Or not. Doesn't matter, as long as you relax. Just fucking relax! Or not;
10. Wear beige briefs;
Note: none of the above work. Except the bit about wearing beige briefs. Essentially a combination of soft drugs and gentle masturbation is what you're looking for here. Now go away.

10 things that Carlsson thought about whilst taking a piss

1. An old issue of Razzle can provide a colourful and evocative base for papier mache;
2. The internet is pointless without porn;
3. Can I dislodge that piece of grime using the powerful spray of my loins?;
4. Where?
5. ..and possibly, err, where?
6. "I like big butts and I cannot lie...";
7. "Christ! I hope this is a urinal..";
8. "Sorry love - clearly you are not a urinal";
9. Why is it "a urinal" but "an umbrella"?;
10. Is that the best thing I have ever thought about?

10 acceptable phrases to be exclaimed whilst being spanked by a mistress (or master)

1. "Mother, is this really necessary?"
2. "3 chilli wings and a bucket of beans - hold the coleslaw matron!"
3. "That actually quite hurts, you know?"
4. "This may all be fine, but I certainly shan't place YOUR pants on MY head"
5. "Crystal Palace 3 - Brighton Hove Albion 0"
6. "Is that all you've got?"
7. *a ukulele impression* "bang-bang-bang-pling!"
8. "How dare you not touch my eagle of justice?"
9. "Mr. coco starfish says 'ow'!"
10. "If you find my father, please tell him to vacate my derriere"

10 chat up lines that, in an ideal world, would not result in laughter or a slap in the facial region

1. "Minky!!"
2. "I have a tiny penis. Please don't laugh."
3. "Have you ever witnessed a male rectal prolapse?"
4. "... I was just trying to look up his nose"
5. "Congratulations. You are the clock"
6. "Can I come in your ear?" (clearly one of Steve's lines, - Ed.)
7. "You will find our relations wholly unsatisfactory, but I'll be fast asleep by then"
8. "Can I put my cha-cha in your hoo-hoo-dilly?"
9. "Skal du med hjem og bappe på fars vandpibe?"
10. "I am absolutely skint". The end.

10 satisfying things about being a male man

1. Post-tinkle, one has something to shake;
2. Passing wind is appropriate in same-sex company;
3. Mid-doody pops, one may read the Financial Timessss;
4. Playing with yourself is a pleasing and ultimately sedative manner in which to while away lengthy train journeys;
5. Discussing your tangy body odour is by no means a faux-pas;
6. Readjusting your own private bits in public is a right, not a privilege - provided you refer to the act as a "cabinet reshuffle" and nothing else;
7. Minky!!
8. A good spanking never did me any harm. I don't fear it and nor should you;
9. In the company of other male men the quaffing piss, hole fingering and a nice, firm bottom spanking are both accepted, and expected;
10. You are obsolete. Act accordingly.

10 unpleasant euphemisms for the male ejaculate

1. there goes another teenage pregnancy;
2. lubricant of life;
3. lady liqueur;
4. eau de pee-pee;
5. pricksap;
6. cock-icing (on the cake);
7. snout sauce;
8. a breath of fresh air;
9. vin au coq;
10. man custard (as used by Ramon Cackhoul'e, pictured)

10 things not to say to a customer when things go wrong

1. (fingers in ears) LALALALALALALALALA – not listening - LALALALALALA
2. The easiest way for me to fix this is for you to fix it.
3. I have fucked up bigger projects than this.
4. Do I look like someone who cares?
5. I am not paid enough to fix this.
6. Who are you?
7. If you are religous, start praying.. if not we are up shit creek without a paddle.
8. You can borrow my mobile to call someone who cares.
9. Don't blame me, you hired me, blame yourself......prick
10. Normally when this happens I go to the pub.

10 suggestions to assist in bringing a dull conversation to an abrupt close

1: When I pee it stings, and I can smell smoke.
2: Must dash, the bunnies won't suffocate themselves, you know!!
3: I'm your mommy now.
4: Is it time to let Captain Trouser-Tinkle out yet?
5: Did you know that the number 69 has the property that n2 and n3 all together contain each digit once: 69 * 69 = 4,761 and 69 * 69 * 69 = 328,509.
6: Sorry, are your ears made of spam jelly? Mine are.
7: Mooooooooo.
8: Is it safe to cook mince in a microwave? Also, have you seen my potato?
9: Shh. Can you hear that? IT's the sound of the woof-ferret. Run!!
10: Oh, just fuck off, will you?

10 unsuitable names for a Quail

1: Kevin.
2: Geoff.
3: Administrator.
4: Seven.
5: "!".
6: Birdman.
7: Sue-Ellen.
8: Pongo.
9: Duck.
10: The St. Mary's Friends and Provident Stadium, Southampton.

10 fitting names for a Quail

1: MordeQuail
2: Philip
3: Ximones
4: Cassandra smells (of Quail)
5: Quail
6: Quail, also.
7: King Ramtut Nameses III, Ruler of All Egypt. Quail.
8: Q-Diddy.
9: Kway - El.
10: Quentin Uriah Iannis Andromac Lychee (Quail).

10 famous quails

Not including MC Quail of "You can't Quail this. Stop! Quail Time" fame (pictured)

1: Flaubert's Quail (deceased due to parrot costume-related asphyxiation)
2: Yankee Doodle Quail (Quail. Deceased. Eaten by another, slightly bigger Quail)
3: Big Quail (deceased, due to undigested quail. See Quail 2)
4: Le Quail (Deceased. Drowned in shallow vat of brandy, in France. Although the French have no word for shallow, so how they told anyone remains a mystery. Quail)
5: Captain Quail (Deceased. Suicide, post demotion to Lieutenant. Invented Monopoly (Quail Edition). Quail)
6: J. F. Quail (deceased. Suicide as a direct result of being shot firmly in the head with a gun. Now a famous airport and Quail sanctuary. Quail)
7: Dave "QuailStrike" Quail V.C. (Deceased. War Hero. Flew into jet engine. Then fell off cliff. Wrote Portuguese poetry inspired by the Life of the Quail)
8: King Quail (deceased. Shot from top of Empire State Building after excellent gorilla impression. Notorious drunk and teller of fibs)
9: Quail Darwin (deceased, due to evolution. And typhoid. First Quail to prove that Quails descended from monkeys, and not, as previously suspected, from Quails)
10: Atta Quail. (Deceased. First leader of Turkey - now known as Quail.) Quail.

10 useful facts about pike (the toothy fish, not a big stick – because it pleases Steve)

1. A pike, during rigor mortis, may be adequately ledged in a door frame as a chin-up bar. Note: Post-rigor mortis, flaccid, pike are unsuitable
2. Pikes make trusty pets. It is a little-known fact that Napoleon himself kept a stuffed pike named Graham, whom he would take out to dinner and the theater, regale with anecdotes on the subject of penicillin, and lick softly when he felt alone
3. The cassette edition of Now That Is What I Call Music 23 contained trace elements of pike
4. When combined with 300 Belgians, a yard of displeasing sand and an inflatable map of Uruguay, the pike can form the basis of several elaborate practical jokes
5. The wheel may or may not have been the brainchild of a Scottish pike
6. The American constitution was briefly written in pike
7. Jesus's unknown 13th disciple was presumably not a phlegmatic pike answering to the name of Trevor
8. Pike is an anagram of kepi, a type of French hat
9. It is easy to confuse a pike
10. Pikes are our friends. Offer your neighbourhood pike money, but do not insert your cock in its mouth (besides the ethical issues raised here, fish and fowl should never intertwine)
“I just love pikes, man” (Carlsson)

10 axioms for modern day living in Tower Hamlets

1. Cider is the breakfast of champions. And tramps
2. Indulging in two unhealthy acts simultaneously makes them cancel each other out. Let us furnish you with an example: A breakfast of 20 Lambert and Butler and a KFC bargain bucket will not kill you. Note: Some of the above is untrue and therefore of dubious factual content
3. Ginger children are further down the social hierarchy than tramps. Act accordingly.
4. Crime pays
5. “I is going to read a books, innit?”. No you're not. Fuck off.
6. An off-licence without a security cage is a rare and splendid thing
7. If you're under 15 and own a bored-out stolen scooter, you are exempt from adhering to the Highway Code, the education system and responsible parenting
8. Please show your pants at all times. IF this means wearing your tracksuit bottoms around your knees at all times so be it. Note: It will make it difficult to run after the twat who just stole your scooter
9. Please take your children to Tesco's and beat them
10. Stealing, taking drugs and amassing ASBOs is the surest path to getting a free council house

10 shit things about getting old

1. Your missus is probably tucking her tits into her belt
2. An erection is only a thing that prevents you from falling out of bed in the morning
3. No one fucking cares...
4. ...and yet it is still both your fault and problem
5. Regularly pissing yourself is not all it is cracked up to be and colostomy bags are grim
6. Granny porn is rubbish and more than a little sinister
7. Your swimsuit modelling days are over
8. Surgical stockings are unlikely to help you score (unless you're after medication for brittle bones or morphine)
9. Your underpants will be older than the nurse trying to remove them to change your colostomy
10. Your flirting is now referred to as "letching"

10 good things about being a year older

1. You are one year closer to the invention of the hoverboard
2. Research has shown that your genitals do not shrink with age
3. The older you are, the more children there are around you, whose hopes and aspirations you can shatter on a whim. Bring it!
4. With age comes social impunity. Only an elderly person can sit on a bus, shit themselves and then loudly blame it on someone else
5. You can finally order that Eau de Piss et Cabbage cologne you've been longing for all these years
6. Slippers become a day shoe
7. When you've got no hair, a beer gut, incontinence and toenails reminiscent of dessicated turds - no fucker is going to try and get you to sign up to a charity in the middle of the street, nor are they going to offer you a shitty free paper you don't particularly want to read
8. Singing to yourself at the bus stop is no longer likely to result in you getting stabbed
9. You get to use words like "whipper-snapper", "rap-scallion" and "rambunctious" and call people in their 40s "young man"
10. Fatigue is now a valid excuse

10 reasons to go to the opera

1. They have a bar
2. Fat people are funny
3. It is better than lying in a dark cupboard as, by the sound of your own sobbing, you gently piss yourself to sleep. Bye bye dignity
4. Ample opportunities for petty theft
5. You can wear a nice pretty dress
6. There is no opera house in Bradford
7. It will help you clarify your views on suicide, assisted or otherwise
8. Someone might die
9. It is statistically safer than stapling the softer bits of your face to the business end of a meat cleaver
10. Opera houses operate a strictly no nipple-electrode policy