1. Spankathon;
2. Flandergharst(s);
3. Discomestibility;
4. Sombrerical;
5. Quailasticity;
6. Pandalicious;
7. Spamunition;
8. Spleek;
9. Forklymost;
10. Lamplitude.
Saturday, 5 May 2007
10 things that no amount of training will enable a recently deceased pike to achieve (what? - Ed.)
1. Winning the Olympic 110 metre hurdles final, blindfold, with your mouth full of marbles whilst being brutally tickled by an enamoured grizzly bear;
2. A clearer understanding of the mating habits of the Quail. Quail! Not again...;
3. Passing an undigested landmine through you alimentary canal (ie from mouth to sphincter);
4. The cha-cha-cha;
5. Nasa employee of the month;
6. Proving that there exists a solution to an + bn = cn for all values of n where n>2;
7. A subtle sense of achievement;
8. Backwards compatibility;
9. A passable cow impression (under duress);
10. A higher social status in medieval Flanders.
2. A clearer understanding of the mating habits of the Quail. Quail! Not again...;
3. Passing an undigested landmine through you alimentary canal (ie from mouth to sphincter);
4. The cha-cha-cha;
5. Nasa employee of the month;
6. Proving that there exists a solution to an + bn = cn for all values of n where n>2;
7. A subtle sense of achievement;
8. Backwards compatibility;
9. A passable cow impression (under duress);
10. A higher social status in medieval Flanders.
10 ways to like, you know, relax maaaan
1. Write the words 'cock and balls' at the top of every page of the Collins Pocket Guide to Woodland Fungi;
2. Give yourself a zesty marmalade rub down. Thick cut conserve is best;
3. Buy some heroin and a warm can of ironically named 'Tenants', and then lie in the road shouting obscenities at passing mice;
4. Wear a particularly soothing hat. Note: hat optional;
5. Recreate the battle of Arnhem using Brylcreem and possibly advice from your mate's nan. If that doesn't relax you nothing will;
6. Don't buy Razzle. It is shit;
7. Rediscover gravel. Can be most satisfying when undertaken waist deep in novelty treacle;
8. Lend £5 to a duck. Its gentle quacks of appreciation will make you feel all special. Note: duck optional;
9. As in point 7, however with some changes. Or not. Doesn't matter, as long as you relax. Just fucking relax! Or not;
10. Wear beige briefs;
Note: none of the above work. Except the bit about wearing beige briefs. Essentially a combination of soft drugs and gentle masturbation is what you're looking for here. Now go away.
2. Give yourself a zesty marmalade rub down. Thick cut conserve is best;
3. Buy some heroin and a warm can of ironically named 'Tenants', and then lie in the road shouting obscenities at passing mice;
4. Wear a particularly soothing hat. Note: hat optional;
5. Recreate the battle of Arnhem using Brylcreem and possibly advice from your mate's nan. If that doesn't relax you nothing will;
6. Don't buy Razzle. It is shit;
7. Rediscover gravel. Can be most satisfying when undertaken waist deep in novelty treacle;
8. Lend £5 to a duck. Its gentle quacks of appreciation will make you feel all special. Note: duck optional;
9. As in point 7, however with some changes. Or not. Doesn't matter, as long as you relax. Just fucking relax! Or not;
10. Wear beige briefs;
Note: none of the above work. Except the bit about wearing beige briefs. Essentially a combination of soft drugs and gentle masturbation is what you're looking for here. Now go away.
10 things that Carlsson thought about whilst taking a piss
1. An old issue of Razzle can provide a colourful and evocative base for papier mache;
2. The internet is pointless without porn;
3. Can I dislodge that piece of grime using the powerful spray of my loins?;
4. Where?
5. ..and possibly, err, where?
6. "I like big butts and I cannot lie...";
7. "Christ! I hope this is a urinal..";
8. "Sorry love - clearly you are not a urinal";
9. Why is it "a urinal" but "an umbrella"?;
10. Is that the best thing I have ever thought about?
2. The internet is pointless without porn;
3. Can I dislodge that piece of grime using the powerful spray of my loins?;
4. Where?
5. ..and possibly, err, where?
6. "I like big butts and I cannot lie...";
7. "Christ! I hope this is a urinal..";
8. "Sorry love - clearly you are not a urinal";
9. Why is it "a urinal" but "an umbrella"?;
10. Is that the best thing I have ever thought about?
10 acceptable phrases to be exclaimed whilst being spanked by a mistress (or master)
1. "Mother, is this really necessary?"
2. "3 chilli wings and a bucket of beans - hold the coleslaw matron!"
3. "That actually quite hurts, you know?"
4. "This may all be fine, but I certainly shan't place YOUR pants on MY head"
5. "Crystal Palace 3 - Brighton Hove Albion 0"
6. "Is that all you've got?"
7. *a ukulele impression* "bang-bang-bang-pling!"
8. "How dare you not touch my eagle of justice?"
9. "Mr. coco starfish says 'ow'!"
10. "If you find my father, please tell him to vacate my derriere"
2. "3 chilli wings and a bucket of beans - hold the coleslaw matron!"
3. "That actually quite hurts, you know?"
4. "This may all be fine, but I certainly shan't place YOUR pants on MY head"
5. "Crystal Palace 3 - Brighton Hove Albion 0"
6. "Is that all you've got?"
7. *a ukulele impression* "bang-bang-bang-pling!"
8. "How dare you not touch my eagle of justice?"
9. "Mr. coco starfish says 'ow'!"
10. "If you find my father, please tell him to vacate my derriere"
10 chat up lines that, in an ideal world, would not result in laughter or a slap in the facial region
1. "Minky!!"
2. "I have a tiny penis. Please don't laugh."
3. "Have you ever witnessed a male rectal prolapse?"
4. "... I was just trying to look up his nose"
5. "Congratulations. You are the clock"
6. "Can I come in your ear?" (clearly one of Steve's lines, - Ed.)
7. "You will find our relations wholly unsatisfactory, but I'll be fast asleep by then"
8. "Can I put my cha-cha in your hoo-hoo-dilly?"
9. "Skal du med hjem og bappe på fars vandpibe?"
10. "I am absolutely skint". The end.
2. "I have a tiny penis. Please don't laugh."
3. "Have you ever witnessed a male rectal prolapse?"
4. "... I was just trying to look up his nose"
5. "Congratulations. You are the clock"
6. "Can I come in your ear?" (clearly one of Steve's lines, - Ed.)
7. "You will find our relations wholly unsatisfactory, but I'll be fast asleep by then"
8. "Can I put my cha-cha in your hoo-hoo-dilly?"
9. "Skal du med hjem og bappe på fars vandpibe?"
10. "I am absolutely skint". The end.
10 satisfying things about being a male man
1. Post-tinkle, one has something to shake;
2. Passing wind is appropriate in same-sex company;
3. Mid-doody pops, one may read the Financial Timessss;
4. Playing with yourself is a pleasing and ultimately sedative manner in which to while away lengthy train journeys;
5. Discussing your tangy body odour is by no means a faux-pas;
6. Readjusting your own private bits in public is a right, not a privilege - provided you refer to the act as a "cabinet reshuffle" and nothing else;
7. Minky!!
8. A good spanking never did me any harm. I don't fear it and nor should you;
9. In the company of other male men the quaffing piss, hole fingering and a nice, firm bottom spanking are both accepted, and expected;
10. You are obsolete. Act accordingly.
2. Passing wind is appropriate in same-sex company;
3. Mid-doody pops, one may read the Financial Timessss;
4. Playing with yourself is a pleasing and ultimately sedative manner in which to while away lengthy train journeys;
5. Discussing your tangy body odour is by no means a faux-pas;
6. Readjusting your own private bits in public is a right, not a privilege - provided you refer to the act as a "cabinet reshuffle" and nothing else;
7. Minky!!
8. A good spanking never did me any harm. I don't fear it and nor should you;
9. In the company of other male men the quaffing piss, hole fingering and a nice, firm bottom spanking are both accepted, and expected;
10. You are obsolete. Act accordingly.
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