10 aspects of the commuting demographic

All of these people seem to want to sit next to me on the train. I must be terribly popular, or the trains terribly crowded.

1. The criminally flatulent.
2. The interminably chatty. Seriously. 70 minutes, non-stop. Discussing the various disorders, misdemeanours and psychoses of their nearest and dearest at full and painfully audible volume. For the record, apparently:
A: Dad's colostemy bag has, of late, taken on a troubling burgundy hue. Presumably because of his bumper beetroot crop. Or is could be bum cancer. The amateur medical profession is divided.
B: Leslie has a crush on her physics teacher.
C: The dress in the attic belongs to Gavin.
3. The diseased. I had not realised that the train doors shutting was a universal prompt to the suited and posh-frocked alike to choke, hack, sneeze and generally evacuate their passages of, collectively, several gallons of phlegm, mucus, and assorted other fluids. A quantity of this, as a rule, ends up on or about my person by dint of proximity. Delightful.
4. The fat.
5. The mal-coordinated. While you're taking a seat, why not take the opportunity to batter 7 shades out of your co-sardines with your bike helmet, brief case, shoes and other such toughened sundries. Why not, indeed?
6. The young. Students. On their way home, at 7 in the morning. Talking about how much "fun" they've had. "Fun". Poor souls. Spare a thought for these people who are going to have to grow a second stomach for all the crack they'll have to smuggle to pay off their loans.
7. The dozers. Apparently, crammed into a seat and surrounded by filth, snot and bum-smells it is possible to grab forty winks. Oh, and dribble copiously. On my shoulder. Soggy now.
8. The incoherent. Giving the "announcements" obviously. These typess are usually half way through some form of gender reassignment therapy, leading to adolescent croakiness, and often blighted with a cold or similar (see 3) and missing one or more teeth (see 5 and, or 10). All of this aids pronunciation no end.
9. The criminally depressed. (See, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and, ultimately, 10).
10. The drunk. Well, I have to take the edge of somehow, haven't I?