1. Lady garden
2. Hoo-Ha
3. Crotch taco
4. Tinkleflower
5. Front bottom
6. Afro clam
7. Pink chimney
8. Tangy beef pocket
9. Wizard's sleeve
10. Velvet TARDIS
Monday, 30 March 2009
Friday, 20 March 2009
Carlsson can't truly enjoy himself unless he's:
1. Offending someone, preferably the recently deceased;
2. Stocked up on White Ace;
3. More successful than his opponents in Jeopardy, by some margin;
4. Unable to catch a lit cigarette whilst someone is filming whilst exclaiming "how cool am I?" with a futile timbre;
5. Within an arm's length of his private parts at all times;
6. Able to make Steve feel guilty;
7. Knee-deep in a four-day drug-induced stupor, somewhere between Norwich and Lewes;
8. Constantly aware of the direction of north;
9. In a state in which he can enjoy himself (see points 1-8, but especially 2, 5 and 7. And 3);
10. Able to discuss, with no particular reference to fact, the phenomenon of the quail.
2. Stocked up on White Ace;
3. More successful than his opponents in Jeopardy, by some margin;
4. Unable to catch a lit cigarette whilst someone is filming whilst exclaiming "how cool am I?" with a futile timbre;
5. Within an arm's length of his private parts at all times;
6. Able to make Steve feel guilty;
7. Knee-deep in a four-day drug-induced stupor, somewhere between Norwich and Lewes;
8. Constantly aware of the direction of north;
9. In a state in which he can enjoy himself (see points 1-8, but especially 2, 5 and 7. And 3);
10. Able to discuss, with no particular reference to fact, the phenomenon of the quail.
Thursday, 19 March 2009
Ten facts concerning the death of Natasha Richardson
We have all heard the devastating news by now. Natasha Richardson, actor, has tragically died whilst putting on her skies on a beginner's slope in Canada. Here follows a list of ten facts concerning her death that may or may not turn out to be true. We here at Gasmpire will spend the rest of the day in solemn mourning, in between working and going to the rest room to skive off. Despite repeated attempts we have been unable to contact Nigel Havers (pictured below, with moustache) for comment.
It is such a tremendous loss.. she was an actor, you know.
1. Her death will make little or no difference to her acting style. She'll still be a stiff in front of the audience (note: her demise may have a slight negative effect on the long-term prospects of her acting career)
2. She is only the second person to die whilst on a beginner's slope. The first was Jurgen Kassler-Schmidt, an Austrian poultry farmer who accidentally shot himself in front of with a group of deaf data-entry clerks from Walsall with an ageing harpoon whilst demonstrating its inherent safety when used in conjunction with beginner's ski classes. It was a tremendous loss. An onlooker later commented that Jurgen died gracefully, despite having a rusty 60cm pike lodged in his abdomen. He took it like a man.
3. She was merely 300 words away from finishing her double-spaced, 300 word essay entitled "World peace, hunger, clean fuel and all those other pesky problems solved" that would have, many believe, revolutionised the world. Now we will never know her secret. It is a tremendous loss.
4. She is currently alive and well, living under the name Gertrude van der Leeuven in a cupola-shaped shed made from ostrich bones, deep in the remote parts of Wisconsin. She intends to use her new-found anonymity to write books and poems about krill.
5. Conspiracy theories suggesting that her left ski was an undercover agent working for Al-Qaeida have flooded the internet, causing severe delays in some corners of cyberspace. Apparently a ski rental shop mix-up ensured the survival of Jeb Bush.
6. When she died, a thousand penguins burst into tears, inadvertently creating several million cubic kilometers of new icebergs.
7. Following her departure, Jeremy Irons has vowed to never shave until she treads the boards again.
8. Following her departure, Jeremy Irons has been forcefully admitted to a psychiatric ward in downtown Kiev with excellent male grooming facilities.
9. Natasha has bequethed her entire estate to the preservation of Yorkshire.
10. Seconds before dying, Natasha made the solemn promise to never go skiing again.
It is such a tremendous loss.. she was an actor, you know.
1. Her death will make little or no difference to her acting style. She'll still be a stiff in front of the audience (note: her demise may have a slight negative effect on the long-term prospects of her acting career)
2. She is only the second person to die whilst on a beginner's slope. The first was Jurgen Kassler-Schmidt, an Austrian poultry farmer who accidentally shot himself in front of with a group of deaf data-entry clerks from Walsall with an ageing harpoon whilst demonstrating its inherent safety when used in conjunction with beginner's ski classes. It was a tremendous loss. An onlooker later commented that Jurgen died gracefully, despite having a rusty 60cm pike lodged in his abdomen. He took it like a man.
3. She was merely 300 words away from finishing her double-spaced, 300 word essay entitled "World peace, hunger, clean fuel and all those other pesky problems solved" that would have, many believe, revolutionised the world. Now we will never know her secret. It is a tremendous loss.
4. She is currently alive and well, living under the name Gertrude van der Leeuven in a cupola-shaped shed made from ostrich bones, deep in the remote parts of Wisconsin. She intends to use her new-found anonymity to write books and poems about krill.
5. Conspiracy theories suggesting that her left ski was an undercover agent working for Al-Qaeida have flooded the internet, causing severe delays in some corners of cyberspace. Apparently a ski rental shop mix-up ensured the survival of Jeb Bush.
6. When she died, a thousand penguins burst into tears, inadvertently creating several million cubic kilometers of new icebergs.
7. Following her departure, Jeremy Irons has vowed to never shave until she treads the boards again.
8. Following her departure, Jeremy Irons has been forcefully admitted to a psychiatric ward in downtown Kiev with excellent male grooming facilities.
9. Natasha has bequethed her entire estate to the preservation of Yorkshire.
10. Seconds before dying, Natasha made the solemn promise to never go skiing again.
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