10 idle threats

1. I shall put a cat poo in my phone, and, in time, it will emerge in your ear.
2. I will start a low level leafleting campaign, informing your neighbours and local wildlife that you have a tiny tinkle, and that your botty is infected with icky poos.
3. I'll have you gently aroused with tinned salmon until you admit that you fancy your grandmother's catgut tennis racket.
4. I will put your keys into a different pocket, confusing you for several seconds - perhaps leading to a nagging doubt that will last for up to a minute.
5. I shall insist on calling you "Claudia" every time we meet on a Thursday.
6. I will write your mobile telephone number on the wall in the chaps' lavvy in the pub under the motto "Call this number for raging hot bot-bot".
7. I'll telephone your mother and inform her that you are pregnant by another man, and that you are yet to resolve the embarrassing situation involving a pound note. The shame will only be partially bearable.
8. I will steal one of your socks. But you won't know which one. Yeah.
9.I'll sneeze, not wipe the snot off my hands and then pat you maliciously on the back. Maybe twice.
10. I will photoshop a baby blue beret onto your favourite picture.

You have been warned.