10 idle threats

1. I shall put a cat poo in my phone, and, in time, it will emerge in your ear.
2. I will start a low level leafleting campaign, informing your neighbours and local wildlife that you have a tiny tinkle, and that your botty is infected with icky poos.
3. I'll have you gently aroused with tinned salmon until you admit that you fancy your grandmother's catgut tennis racket.
4. I will put your keys into a different pocket, confusing you for several seconds - perhaps leading to a nagging doubt that will last for up to a minute.
5. I shall insist on calling you "Claudia" every time we meet on a Thursday.
6. I will write your mobile telephone number on the wall in the chaps' lavvy in the pub under the motto "Call this number for raging hot bot-bot".
7. I'll telephone your mother and inform her that you are pregnant by another man, and that you are yet to resolve the embarrassing situation involving a pound note. The shame will only be partially bearable.
8. I will steal one of your socks. But you won't know which one. Yeah.
9.I'll sneeze, not wipe the snot off my hands and then pat you maliciously on the back. Maybe twice.
10. I will photoshop a baby blue beret onto your favourite picture.

You have been warned.

Ten alternate uses for Belgium

Belgium symbolizes for many people (and certain breeds of otter) the ultimate waste of geographical space. Sure, it is funny, and sometimes even endearing, but ultimately Belgium serves no real function. Given this, it is understandable that most people (and the Dutch) would like to see the country diminish to the point of non-existence, both in terms of landmass and culture, despite not having any culture and very little landmass. We here at the Gasmpire feel this perception (and the strong desire on part of the Dutch to rid the world of the Belgique) is a bit unfair. Not to the Belgians, as they are stupidly called, but to the rest of Europe as a whole. Here we have suggested ten alternate uses for the territory and absurd cultural identity currently known as Belgium. We hope they will be taken to heart by politicians and the Dutch alike, to ensure there will be a Belgium for the future, and perhaps most importantly, that it be wholly distinct from the Belgium at present.

1. Give it to the Dutch. As a nation they're only marginally less superfluous than the Belgians, but at least they can play football.
2. Excavate the entire country and the use the soil to create a massive mountain somewhere. It could be called 'Flemish Peak' and could serve as a reminder of the people who sacrificed their country for a giant mound somewhere. School kids would be made to remember (under duress, if at all plausible / legal), the noble act espoused by the once frankly ludicrous and highly unnecessary people of Belgium and their selfless act aimed at expunging the world of their kind whilst creating a huge peak somewhere.
3. Rebrand Belgium in a Europe-wide competition among the continent's unemployed. The winner will be allowed to decide the fate of the Belgians (as long as it involves gentle annihilation and historical revisionism) and will be asked to place a plaque with the branding of the new look Belgium where the country once stood. Not really much of an alternate use as such, but food for thought nevertheless. (Is it really? Who edits this shit? - Ed.)
4. Turn Belgium into the world's only (and premier) Stella Artois themed pleasure park. People would trek to Stella Park in their droves to engage in such Stella related, time-honoured activities as wife-beating, beer belly cultivating, petty but violent crime and public defecation. One-way chartered flights and buses would leave Rotherham every ten minutes, destined for this great new family destination.
5. Ahh shit... we can't think of any more alternate uses for Belgium. Sorry.