10 ways to spot a posh bloke

1. His speech is almost entirely unintelligible. Possibly because his total lack of chin makes forming vowel sounds nigh on impossible, possibly because of the silver spoon in his gob.
2. He orders a drink with a date in it that isn't 1664.
3. Bunny is his sister's actual given name, not a reference to her sexual predilections.
4. School is a verb. "Where did you school?"...
5. His casual references to buggery and abuse aren't so much ironic as strictly accurate relations of the years before he started learning Latin.
6. He knows Latin... and fucking Greek.
7. The assembly of 2 dozen blokes, 3 dozen hounds, an entire stable of horses, 15 yards of red velvet and a bugler to trap one dog-sized threat to chickens does not seem overkill to him.
8. His Dad signs his trust fund cheques with a place name - apparently posh people can't spell "Lord" or something.
9. The fact that you don't have your own pony comes as a surprise to him.
10. There's a bloke in a suit walking in front of his Dad's Bentley carrying a flag.

10 strategies for deeply upsetting an irritating infant

1. Casually inform them that their Dad works for your Dad. Then pause, tell them your Dad is a pimp, and hand them a small dictionary so they can look up "pimp". Wait.
2. Call them a spider-web. Start crying and then run to their mother and inform her that her child just called you a spider-web. And that they shat on the lawn. And burned the cat with matches. And that you suspect they may be gay. Show her a picture of He-Man with a crudely drawn phallus to back up your claim if required.
3. Ask the child it's name. Write that name on a list, inform the child that they are now "on your list" and walk away tutting before breaking into a chuckle.
4. Make a phone call to Santa, and ask an elf to take a message that the child wants its Mummy mutilated by a cougar for Christmas.
5. Smack it in the chops with a pike (fish, not pole-arm).
6. Offer to show the child an excellent hiding place, then lock it in a shed and post the shed to Belgium.
7. Beat it a Top Trumps. Over and over again. Then tell it it's ugly and stupid.
8. Send the child to a single-gender boarding school for about 10 years, preferably one in Switzerland. There it will be abused, mocked, bullied and psychologically damaged to such an extent that in later life it will take to wearing latex panties and volunteer to be locked in a cage for days at a time.
9. Just point and laugh.
10. Make a passing reference to "cooties", "nits" or fart-smells. The ensuing revulsion will give you enough time to leave and do something useful. Like drink. Or cry.

10 Harry Potter books I fear will never make it to press

Harry Potter and the...

1. ...nauseating adolescent poetry.
2. ...suspicious stain.
3. ...curious incident of Hermione's knicker drawer in the night time.
4. ...total failure to live up to his potential and ultimate acceptance of a shit job in I.T.
5. ...persistent bed-wetting.
6. ...woeful ineptitude.
7. ...drunken night at G.A.Y. with Ron that everybody knows about.
8. ...crude joke about his bendy wand.
9. ...ruined career, slow descent into drink and self-loathing, and subsequent guest appearances in "Erotic thrillers".
10. ...blatant plagiarism.