Ten reasons why pirates rule and ninjas suck (or, in layman's terms, why ninjas are so shit and pirates are so it)

Okay we've all had the conversation.

Pirates vs Ninjas.

Sadly I have been circumstantially involved in numerous debates on this particular subject with a great number of individuals, some even people, who have taken the ludicrous stance of supporting the ninja, or masked dickheads as they are also known (masked dickheads, losers, lightweights, wimps, wankers, pricks, sneaky beaks, cunts, totally lame tossers – these are but a few, rather flattering expressions, used to refer to the ninja, who is crap).
Traditionally such discourse has resulted in the near death, severe incapacitation or outright termination of the offending verbal combatant at the hands of my cutlass. Given that recent developments in the rule of law has made this process not only tiresome but illegal, I will confess that the sole reason I carry on is the fact that I am a pirate myself, and as such not entirely subject to the laws of this demented island (well I am, but I am also a pirate, so some thing's got to give).

I digress.

Here's ten facts about pirates that put the entire ninja diaspora to shame, ideally for ever (although as a seasoned sea hag I can make no promises, I can only provide hope, inspiration and dollars, except of course the dollars bit, as I currently only have Euros, pounds sterling and Sumerian clay tablets. And I am in between pillaging, so I am bit skint).

1. Pirates have beards. Ninjas have lip-fluff at best, which I think we can all agree looks ridiculous on what is supposedly a grown man or woman;
2. Pirates drink alcohol and are subsequently prone to acts of rape, pillage and general boisterous behaviour. I like that. Ninjas (on the other hand) prefer karaoke, sneaking around and generally not being very cool. Boring bastards.
3. Pirates are prone to scurvy. Ninjas are just boring.
4. Pirates are hard-drinking, hard-fucking and hard-fighting cretins. Good enough for me. Ninjas don't drink, they are asexual and hang out in trees. Lame;
5. A one-legged pirate is just as dangerous as a fully-abled pirate, thanks mainly to crude prosthetics and scurvy. Ninjas are crap. Have you ever seen a ninja with a wooden leg? Me neither. What a bunch of sissies;
6. The word pirate conjures a whole host of cool things, like piracy, eye patches, fighting and barrels of rum. The word ninja conjures up crap things like hanging out in trees, getting an ass kicking by American B and C-list actors and bad dubbing;
7. Pirates have secret treasures, immense amounts of general loot and often scurvy. Ninjas have black pyjamas and high-pitched voices;
8. Pirates know how to fucking party. Rum, sex, weapons– all things essential for a great party. The pirates will drink until they can drink no more and then proceed to meddle with non-pirate people's spouses until sunrise, when the pirates will saunter back to the ship for some more booze, frequently followed by an early morning pillaging session. Ninjas have one pint, spend three hours embarrassing themselves on the karaoke machine, throw up on a covert kung fu renegade and then fall asleep in a tree;
9. Pirates are not afraid to go out on limb! (they sure ain't! - Ed.);
10. The majority of the greatest discoveries of all time, such as penicillin, Uzbekistan, colour television and White Ace cider to name but a few, were made by pirates. Noteworthy examples include the wheel (Captain Nigel 'Hook' Jameson, 1754 AD during a raid on a French schooner), gravel (Admiral Blackswan Crikey, 1877 AD, whilst inventing monks), history (Skull 'Dagger' Nielsen, 1066 AD, whilst adapting the works of Goethe (also a pirate) to an open-air performance for minks), central heating (Luke 'One-Leg' Lohan III, 1996 AD, whilst asleep) and cuff links (Jean-Jean Pierre Elroy, 1903 BC, merely days prior to completing the first circumnavigation of Margate). Perhaps the most famous of all pirate discoveries was that of the infamous Abraham Lead (generally considered the father of art nouveau (source needed)), who in 1233 invented the concept of the peninsula. Ninjas ain't discovered shit. Landlubbing bastards.

10 politically incorrect statements that won't make you any friends

Here we’ve compiled 10 statements that are unlikely to help you win a by-election (or make, retain or endear you to acquaintances).
They are also somewhat politically incorrect. Thin people often smell of shit too.

1. I'm the kind of guy that'll piss in your sink
2. I always thought Nelson Mandela was a bit of a gay cunt
3. A dead Welshman is a good Welshman, as long as he or she isn't a ginger twat
4. Princess Diana was a cock-sucking slapper
5. Turkish women smuggle heroin in their moustaches
6. Fat people smell of shit
7. I've never been to Ghana but I know it is mainly populated by retards
8. Ugly women should offer themselves up for sterilisation as a gesture of goodwill, and then drown themselves in vats of lukewarm semen
9. I use your toothbrush to clean the lice off my arsehair while you sleep
10. I was going to kill Jill Dando but some fat degenerate poofter beat me to it. It gave me a tremendous hard on, which was unexpected. But welcome.