10 famous British cats

1. Cat Deeley
2. Bagpuss (Note: Not, as you may be forgiven for thinking, a cruel euphemism for a lady's front bottom)
3. Henry's cat (Note: He has since let me in on a little secret... Henry's Cat is only his stage name! Surprised? I fairly shat.)
4. Cat scan...
5. James the Cat
6. Henk ten Cate (Note: May also claim to be Dutch. Don't believe a word of it. Nor indeed is he Belgian)
7. Catterick.
8. Quail-Cat (Like Spider-Pig but with much more palpable a sense of inner turmoil)
9. The Argos CATalogue.
10. Sophie Ellis Bextor.

And now for your enjoyment, some cats in hats:

10 things the French have got right

1. They're not German
2. Carla Bruni
3. The rest of the world does not matter as long as it does not speak French and is not a former colony of the republic. Wait, did they get that right?
4. Wine. As opposed to Buckfast.
5. A liberal attitude to the purchase of codeine
6. An acceptance of the fact that women are sexier when they smoke, don't speak English and have hairy armpits
7. Cheese eating surrender monkeys, perhaps, but ultimately still alive.
8. Building refugee camps next to the border of a country with poor immigration service to solve your own immigration problem.
9. If it weren't for France, we'd be next to Italy.
10. Snails are nicer to eat than to step on

10 things to do if you run out of drugs

1. Buy more, immediately!
2. Develop another addiction, like an irrational love of sponge. If and when that runs out you can always resort back to drugs.
3. Call your boss, grovel and ask for your job back.
4. Start drinking. Heavily!
5. Relax. Your flatmate will be back in a few hours and hopefully he’ll have some drugs.
6. Make your own. Your local pharmacy has more outs than you can imagine.
7. Get sectioned. Do some research prior to this on what drugs are given for what mental illnesses and act accordingly.
8. Masturbate. WORKS EVERY TIME!
9. As above, but in the company of another, or several, like-minded people.
10. Snort shavings of Keith Richards.

10 ways to avoid getting hung, drawn and quartered

1. Make sure you’re not currently in any of the centuries preceding the 20^th and in the process of planning, carrying out or getting caught for deeds of a criminal nature, including treason, libel and/or homosexuality.

2. Prior to the commencement of your punishment (should you have avoided following the advice given in point one, above), take a bath in hot, liquid steel. Once dried, the metal should make strangulation and dismemberment more difficult. Note: may cause severe bodily harm and death.

3. Always align yourself with the current King, Queen or other such de facto ruler, but not too much, should the power suddenly shift in favour of another ruler after which your show of support might be construed as amounting to treason, libel or homosexuality. Again, the best advice is probably to follow the guidelines set out in point one.

4. Prior to the metering out of your mediaeval punishment, swiftly remove all rope, sharp objects and horses from a 50 miles radius of the gallows, thus making the process of hanging, being drawn and quartered more difficult due to a lack of material.

5. Whilst awaiting your gruesome and no doubt just demise, convert to the animal kingdom and proclaim yourself a servant of the noble Quail. You can then deny the authority of the court and wait to be rescued by your feathery friends whilst maintaining a certain level of righteous smugness.

6. Claim you have a bad back and as such should be spared the punishment. It may help to have a doctor’s note to back you up, should it go to a tribunal.

7. Become a pike, or as much like a pike as you can. It is a well-established fact that pikes can’t be quartered. You will probably still die from the hanging, though, this despite pike-necks being notoriously slippery and not of the ideal shape for hanging.

8. Accept the weight of eth world on your shoulders. The extra pounds of weight may cause the rope to snap before the point of asphyxiation. Note: proceed with caution as the weight of the world can be rather heavy, especially during bank holidays and when in the company of deceased German philosophers.

9. Create your own gravitational field in your gut by eating Jade Gooding and not going to the toilet for a week afterwards. When the trapdoor opens you will simply hover in your current position. The massive force exerted by the dense weight of consumed Gooding will also make the process of quartering impossible. Should Jade Gooding not be available during your century, any old fat bitch will do.

10. Commit suicide by decapitating yourself and then eating the remains. Imagine the indignation when the executioner arrives only to find his subject reduced to faeces! Remember, a quarter of shit is still shit.

10 ways to spot a posh bloke

1. His speech is almost entirely unintelligible. Possibly because his total lack of chin makes forming vowel sounds nigh on impossible, possibly because of the silver spoon in his gob.
2. He orders a drink with a date in it that isn't 1664.
3. Bunny is his sister's actual given name, not a reference to her sexual predilections.
4. School is a verb. "Where did you school?"...
5. His casual references to buggery and abuse aren't so much ironic as strictly accurate relations of the years before he started learning Latin.
6. He knows Latin... and fucking Greek.
7. The assembly of 2 dozen blokes, 3 dozen hounds, an entire stable of horses, 15 yards of red velvet and a bugler to trap one dog-sized threat to chickens does not seem overkill to him.
8. His Dad signs his trust fund cheques with a place name - apparently posh people can't spell "Lord" or something.
9. The fact that you don't have your own pony comes as a surprise to him.
10. There's a bloke in a suit walking in front of his Dad's Bentley carrying a flag.

10 strategies for deeply upsetting an irritating infant

1. Casually inform them that their Dad works for your Dad. Then pause, tell them your Dad is a pimp, and hand them a small dictionary so they can look up "pimp". Wait.
2. Call them a spider-web. Start crying and then run to their mother and inform her that her child just called you a spider-web. And that they shat on the lawn. And burned the cat with matches. And that you suspect they may be gay. Show her a picture of He-Man with a crudely drawn phallus to back up your claim if required.
3. Ask the child it's name. Write that name on a list, inform the child that they are now "on your list" and walk away tutting before breaking into a chuckle.
4. Make a phone call to Santa, and ask an elf to take a message that the child wants its Mummy mutilated by a cougar for Christmas.
5. Smack it in the chops with a pike (fish, not pole-arm).
6. Offer to show the child an excellent hiding place, then lock it in a shed and post the shed to Belgium.
7. Beat it a Top Trumps. Over and over again. Then tell it it's ugly and stupid.
8. Send the child to a single-gender boarding school for about 10 years, preferably one in Switzerland. There it will be abused, mocked, bullied and psychologically damaged to such an extent that in later life it will take to wearing latex panties and volunteer to be locked in a cage for days at a time.
9. Just point and laugh.
10. Make a passing reference to "cooties", "nits" or fart-smells. The ensuing revulsion will give you enough time to leave and do something useful. Like drink. Or cry.

10 Harry Potter books I fear will never make it to press

Harry Potter and the...

1. ...nauseating adolescent poetry.
2. ...suspicious stain.
3. ...curious incident of Hermione's knicker drawer in the night time.
4. ...total failure to live up to his potential and ultimate acceptance of a shit job in I.T.
5. ...persistent bed-wetting.
6. ...woeful ineptitude.
7. ...drunken night at G.A.Y. with Ron that everybody knows about.
8. ...crude joke about his bendy wand.
9. ...ruined career, slow descent into drink and self-loathing, and subsequent guest appearances in "Erotic thrillers".
10. ...blatant plagiarism.