1. His speech is almost entirely unintelligible. Possibly because his total lack of chin makes forming vowel sounds nigh on impossible, possibly because of the silver spoon in his gob.
2. He orders a drink with a date in it that isn't 1664.
3. Bunny is his sister's actual given name, not a reference to her sexual predilections.
4. School is a verb. "Where did you school?"...
5. His casual references to buggery and abuse aren't so much ironic as strictly accurate relations of the years before he started learning Latin.
6. He knows Latin... and fucking Greek.
7. The assembly of 2 dozen blokes, 3 dozen hounds, an entire stable of horses, 15 yards of red velvet and a bugler to trap one dog-sized threat to chickens does not seem overkill to him.
8. His Dad signs his trust fund cheques with a place name - apparently posh people can't spell "Lord" or something.
9. The fact that you don't have your own pony comes as a surprise to him.
10. There's a bloke in a suit walking in front of his Dad's Bentley carrying a flag.
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Monday, 17 March 2008
10 strategies for deeply upsetting an irritating infant
1. Casually inform them that their Dad works for your Dad. Then pause, tell them your Dad is a pimp, and hand them a small dictionary so they can look up "pimp". Wait.
2. Call them a spider-web. Start crying and then run to their mother and inform her that her child just called you a spider-web. And that they shat on the lawn. And burned the cat with matches. And that you suspect they may be gay. Show her a picture of He-Man with a crudely drawn phallus to back up your claim if required.
3. Ask the child it's name. Write that name on a list, inform the child that they are now "on your list" and walk away tutting before breaking into a chuckle.
4. Make a phone call to Santa, and ask an elf to take a message that the child wants its Mummy mutilated by a cougar for Christmas.
5. Smack it in the chops with a pike (fish, not pole-arm).
6. Offer to show the child an excellent hiding place, then lock it in a shed and post the shed to Belgium.
7. Beat it a Top Trumps. Over and over again. Then tell it it's ugly and stupid.
8. Send the child to a single-gender boarding school for about 10 years, preferably one in Switzerland. There it will be abused, mocked, bullied and psychologically damaged to such an extent that in later life it will take to wearing latex panties and volunteer to be locked in a cage for days at a time.
9. Just point and laugh.
10. Make a passing reference to "cooties", "nits" or fart-smells. The ensuing revulsion will give you enough time to leave and do something useful. Like drink. Or cry.
2. Call them a spider-web. Start crying and then run to their mother and inform her that her child just called you a spider-web. And that they shat on the lawn. And burned the cat with matches. And that you suspect they may be gay. Show her a picture of He-Man with a crudely drawn phallus to back up your claim if required.
3. Ask the child it's name. Write that name on a list, inform the child that they are now "on your list" and walk away tutting before breaking into a chuckle.
4. Make a phone call to Santa, and ask an elf to take a message that the child wants its Mummy mutilated by a cougar for Christmas.
5. Smack it in the chops with a pike (fish, not pole-arm).
6. Offer to show the child an excellent hiding place, then lock it in a shed and post the shed to Belgium.
7. Beat it a Top Trumps. Over and over again. Then tell it it's ugly and stupid.
8. Send the child to a single-gender boarding school for about 10 years, preferably one in Switzerland. There it will be abused, mocked, bullied and psychologically damaged to such an extent that in later life it will take to wearing latex panties and volunteer to be locked in a cage for days at a time.
9. Just point and laugh.
10. Make a passing reference to "cooties", "nits" or fart-smells. The ensuing revulsion will give you enough time to leave and do something useful. Like drink. Or cry.
10 Harry Potter books I fear will never make it to press
Harry Potter and the...
1. ...nauseating adolescent poetry.
2. ...suspicious stain.
3. ...curious incident of Hermione's knicker drawer in the night time.
4. ...total failure to live up to his potential and ultimate acceptance of a shit job in I.T.
5. ...persistent bed-wetting.
6. ...woeful ineptitude.
7. ...drunken night at G.A.Y. with Ron that everybody knows about.
8. ...crude joke about his bendy wand.
9. ...ruined career, slow descent into drink and self-loathing, and subsequent guest appearances in "Erotic thrillers".
10. ...blatant plagiarism.
1. ...nauseating adolescent poetry.
2. ...suspicious stain.
3. ...curious incident of Hermione's knicker drawer in the night time.
4. ...total failure to live up to his potential and ultimate acceptance of a shit job in I.T.
5. ...persistent bed-wetting.
6. ...woeful ineptitude.
7. ...drunken night at G.A.Y. with Ron that everybody knows about.
8. ...crude joke about his bendy wand.
9. ...ruined career, slow descent into drink and self-loathing, and subsequent guest appearances in "Erotic thrillers".
10. ...blatant plagiarism.
Friday, 22 February 2008
10 inappropriate reactions to the death of an Uncle
1: Can I have his stereo?
2: That's all very well, but who's gonna sell me ganja now? Dealers don't just grow on fucking trees.
3: To be honest, i always thought he was a bit of a twat.
4: Nice. All we've got to do is get auntie into an asylum and bingo - holiday home.
5: He touched me once you know... Bad touch.
6: Who cares? As long as his hooch recipe ain't died with him...
7: He was my uncle? fucking hell, now you tell me.
8: Uncle or not, he was the one who ran into my knife
9: That's great. I don't see why I had to be naked for this though.
10. He owed me a fiver. No wait. A tenner.
2: That's all very well, but who's gonna sell me ganja now? Dealers don't just grow on fucking trees.
3: To be honest, i always thought he was a bit of a twat.
4: Nice. All we've got to do is get auntie into an asylum and bingo - holiday home.
5: He touched me once you know... Bad touch.
6: Who cares? As long as his hooch recipe ain't died with him...
7: He was my uncle? fucking hell, now you tell me.
8: Uncle or not, he was the one who ran into my knife
9: That's great. I don't see why I had to be naked for this though.
10. He owed me a fiver. No wait. A tenner.
10 reasons to abolish the moon
1: It doesn't pay tax and as such is nothing but a parasitic leech on society
2: It's my moon, and I shall do with it as I please.
3: What if the man in the moon is lactose intolerant? Have you thought about that?
... inconsiderate bastards.
4: I need the space for my intergalactic battle station/porn stash.
5: Tides are lame.
6: Removing the moon may prove the only way to treat the irreversible onset of were-beings
7: Scientific types postulate that the size of the moon in inversely proportional to the size of my todger. No moon, epic trouser snake. You do the maths.
8: The moon , like so many other delinquents, likes to loiter around people's back gardens, mainly at night, causing untold damage to communities and often leading to minor arrests and drunken behaviour
9: The moon hates you and wants you dead. I saw it violating your hamster. Fact.
10: The moon, contrary to popular belief, is not actually perfectly round. What a disappointment.
2: It's my moon, and I shall do with it as I please.
3: What if the man in the moon is lactose intolerant? Have you thought about that?
... inconsiderate bastards.
4: I need the space for my intergalactic battle station/porn stash.
5: Tides are lame.
6: Removing the moon may prove the only way to treat the irreversible onset of were-beings
7: Scientific types postulate that the size of the moon in inversely proportional to the size of my todger. No moon, epic trouser snake. You do the maths.
8: The moon , like so many other delinquents, likes to loiter around people's back gardens, mainly at night, causing untold damage to communities and often leading to minor arrests and drunken behaviour
9: The moon hates you and wants you dead. I saw it violating your hamster. Fact.
10: The moon, contrary to popular belief, is not actually perfectly round. What a disappointment.
10 reasons why God would have created White Ace
1: He is benevolent after all, although prone to enjoying the sight of violence and bad teeth
2: Well why wouldn't he? For fucks sake.
3: He is far too busy to beat up the female population on a nightly basis by himself
4: He always wanted a liquid alternative to gypsies
5: He felt the need to capitalise on the growing cheap, strong cider market boom
6: He is dyslexic and was trying to create "The Raw Ice Dice".
7: Kittens drown quicker in Ace.
8: Crack cocaine wasn't as effective for urban regeneration as he had hoped
9: He was visited in the night by a monstrous platinum duck who ordered him to brew the Ace, otherwise Mr. Ducky would take a dump on his pillow. A runny one.
10: It was a misunderstanding based on God's desire to create an equivalent of the Ace of Spades
2: Well why wouldn't he? For fucks sake.
3: He is far too busy to beat up the female population on a nightly basis by himself
4: He always wanted a liquid alternative to gypsies
5: He felt the need to capitalise on the growing cheap, strong cider market boom
6: He is dyslexic and was trying to create "The Raw Ice Dice".
7: Kittens drown quicker in Ace.
8: Crack cocaine wasn't as effective for urban regeneration as he had hoped
9: He was visited in the night by a monstrous platinum duck who ordered him to brew the Ace, otherwise Mr. Ducky would take a dump on his pillow. A runny one.
10: It was a misunderstanding based on God's desire to create an equivalent of the Ace of Spades
10 alternative abbreviations (AA)
1: BT = Bulgarian Telekinesis
2: FBI = flabby belligerent individuals
3: IOC = irredeemable organisers of curling
4: GM = gout-ridden monstrosity
5: FIFA = Flatulent Iguanadons Fellate Amoebas
6: UN = Ululating nincompoops
7: BAPS = british association of plastic surgeons (wait that is a real one)
8: ACDC = Albatrosses Cum Diluted Custard
9: TUC = turds under control
10: GNER = Ginger North-Eastern Retards
2: FBI = flabby belligerent individuals
3: IOC = irredeemable organisers of curling
4: GM = gout-ridden monstrosity
5: FIFA = Flatulent Iguanadons Fellate Amoebas
6: UN = Ululating nincompoops
7: BAPS = british association of plastic surgeons (wait that is a real one)
8: ACDC = Albatrosses Cum Diluted Custard
9: TUC = turds under control
10: GNER = Ginger North-Eastern Retards
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