1: Can I have his stereo?
2: That's all very well, but who's gonna sell me ganja now? Dealers don't just grow on fucking trees.
3: To be honest, i always thought he was a bit of a twat.
4: Nice. All we've got to do is get auntie into an asylum and bingo - holiday home.
5: He touched me once you know... Bad touch.
6: Who cares? As long as his hooch recipe ain't died with him...
7: He was my uncle? fucking hell, now you tell me.
8: Uncle or not, he was the one who ran into my knife
9: That's great. I don't see why I had to be naked for this though.
10. He owed me a fiver. No wait. A tenner.
Friday, 22 February 2008
10 reasons to abolish the moon
1: It doesn't pay tax and as such is nothing but a parasitic leech on society
2: It's my moon, and I shall do with it as I please.
3: What if the man in the moon is lactose intolerant? Have you thought about that?
... inconsiderate bastards.
4: I need the space for my intergalactic battle station/porn stash.
5: Tides are lame.
6: Removing the moon may prove the only way to treat the irreversible onset of were-beings
7: Scientific types postulate that the size of the moon in inversely proportional to the size of my todger. No moon, epic trouser snake. You do the maths.
8: The moon , like so many other delinquents, likes to loiter around people's back gardens, mainly at night, causing untold damage to communities and often leading to minor arrests and drunken behaviour
9: The moon hates you and wants you dead. I saw it violating your hamster. Fact.
10: The moon, contrary to popular belief, is not actually perfectly round. What a disappointment.
2: It's my moon, and I shall do with it as I please.
3: What if the man in the moon is lactose intolerant? Have you thought about that?
... inconsiderate bastards.
4: I need the space for my intergalactic battle station/porn stash.
5: Tides are lame.
6: Removing the moon may prove the only way to treat the irreversible onset of were-beings
7: Scientific types postulate that the size of the moon in inversely proportional to the size of my todger. No moon, epic trouser snake. You do the maths.
8: The moon , like so many other delinquents, likes to loiter around people's back gardens, mainly at night, causing untold damage to communities and often leading to minor arrests and drunken behaviour
9: The moon hates you and wants you dead. I saw it violating your hamster. Fact.
10: The moon, contrary to popular belief, is not actually perfectly round. What a disappointment.
10 reasons why God would have created White Ace
1: He is benevolent after all, although prone to enjoying the sight of violence and bad teeth
2: Well why wouldn't he? For fucks sake.
3: He is far too busy to beat up the female population on a nightly basis by himself
4: He always wanted a liquid alternative to gypsies
5: He felt the need to capitalise on the growing cheap, strong cider market boom
6: He is dyslexic and was trying to create "The Raw Ice Dice".
7: Kittens drown quicker in Ace.
8: Crack cocaine wasn't as effective for urban regeneration as he had hoped
9: He was visited in the night by a monstrous platinum duck who ordered him to brew the Ace, otherwise Mr. Ducky would take a dump on his pillow. A runny one.
10: It was a misunderstanding based on God's desire to create an equivalent of the Ace of Spades
2: Well why wouldn't he? For fucks sake.
3: He is far too busy to beat up the female population on a nightly basis by himself
4: He always wanted a liquid alternative to gypsies
5: He felt the need to capitalise on the growing cheap, strong cider market boom
6: He is dyslexic and was trying to create "The Raw Ice Dice".
7: Kittens drown quicker in Ace.
8: Crack cocaine wasn't as effective for urban regeneration as he had hoped
9: He was visited in the night by a monstrous platinum duck who ordered him to brew the Ace, otherwise Mr. Ducky would take a dump on his pillow. A runny one.
10: It was a misunderstanding based on God's desire to create an equivalent of the Ace of Spades
10 alternative abbreviations (AA)
1: BT = Bulgarian Telekinesis
2: FBI = flabby belligerent individuals
3: IOC = irredeemable organisers of curling
4: GM = gout-ridden monstrosity
5: FIFA = Flatulent Iguanadons Fellate Amoebas
6: UN = Ululating nincompoops
7: BAPS = british association of plastic surgeons (wait that is a real one)
8: ACDC = Albatrosses Cum Diluted Custard
9: TUC = turds under control
10: GNER = Ginger North-Eastern Retards
2: FBI = flabby belligerent individuals
3: IOC = irredeemable organisers of curling
4: GM = gout-ridden monstrosity
5: FIFA = Flatulent Iguanadons Fellate Amoebas
6: UN = Ululating nincompoops
7: BAPS = british association of plastic surgeons (wait that is a real one)
8: ACDC = Albatrosses Cum Diluted Custard
9: TUC = turds under control
10: GNER = Ginger North-Eastern Retards
Saturday, 2 February 2008
10 inadequate euphemisms for a scrotum
1. Alexander the Great
2. Aunt Mable's ipod
3. The Belgian tourist board
4. 3 ounces of lube and a nice bouncy mango
5. A lump of homoerotic coal
6. A semi-detached in Billericay
7. Peter Schmichael: The Untold Story
8. A Coca-cola enema
9. A pair of jelly handcuffs with a side order of rough fellatio
10. Hillary Clinton's wet dream (plus optional plank).
2. Aunt Mable's ipod
3. The Belgian tourist board
4. 3 ounces of lube and a nice bouncy mango
5. A lump of homoerotic coal
6. A semi-detached in Billericay
7. Peter Schmichael: The Untold Story
8. A Coca-cola enema
9. A pair of jelly handcuffs with a side order of rough fellatio
10. Hillary Clinton's wet dream (plus optional plank).
10 unacceptable excuses for being late
1. My bell end got stuck in a koala
2. A koala got stuck on my bell end
3. I couldn't find anyone to babysit my spanners
4. I don't particularly like you, and every second spent away from you is a pleasure
5. The children took longer to drown than I'd planned
6. My bomb didn't go off
7. I was being vigourously fellated by a herd of wildebeast, and it would have been rude to leave before time.
8. Since the court case I am unable to use the short cut through the park
9. Burying kittens is thirsty work
10. You're late. (Fuck you) (You're not my Dad) (No Auntie, I won't go on the tea cup ride... Oh, Ok then.)
2. A koala got stuck on my bell end
3. I couldn't find anyone to babysit my spanners
4. I don't particularly like you, and every second spent away from you is a pleasure
5. The children took longer to drown than I'd planned
6. My bomb didn't go off
7. I was being vigourously fellated by a herd of wildebeast, and it would have been rude to leave before time.
8. Since the court case I am unable to use the short cut through the park
9. Burying kittens is thirsty work
10. You're late. (Fuck you) (You're not my Dad) (No Auntie, I won't go on the tea cup ride... Oh, Ok then.)
10 useless fashion accessories
1. A cape made from clay
2. France
3. Primeval gloves
4. An invisible cock-ring covered in invisible velcro with an invisible gibbon stapled to it (Gibbon optional).
5. A bible belt
6. Binary hoses
7. The pygmy arse-flute playing lesbian tribes of the Lower Indus (1985 edition, top trumps).
8. A small stick painted maroon
9. The steak epaulette (There is only one. It's mine. You can't have it . Fuck off)
10. Ceramic underwear with a gunpowder enamel
2. France
3. Primeval gloves
4. An invisible cock-ring covered in invisible velcro with an invisible gibbon stapled to it (Gibbon optional).
5. A bible belt
6. Binary hoses
7. The pygmy arse-flute playing lesbian tribes of the Lower Indus (1985 edition, top trumps).
8. A small stick painted maroon
9. The steak epaulette (There is only one. It's mine. You can't have it . Fuck off)
10. Ceramic underwear with a gunpowder enamel
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