1: "Like, the 80s called, they want their /insert slightly elderly item of clothing/ back".
2: "Yuh-huh" ( A combination, I believe, of "Yeah" and "uh-huh" - for people too lazy to choose).
3: "I think I'm starting to like that David Cameron chap"
4: "McFly"
5: "Jeremy Clarkson" (unless it is IMMEDIATELY followed by "Is an insufferable twat")
6: "With respect, Steve, your are wrong".
7: "What a lovely pashmina!!"
8: "Is it in yet?"
9: "Dear Mr. Steve, We regret to inform you that once again you have exceeded your agreed over draft limit, and as such..."
10: "I honestly think England have a real chance of winning the /insert trophy we have not the slightest hope of even qualifying for/..."
Friday, 30 March 2007
10 things that the Greeks overlooked when making up gods
1: Brewer's droop
2: Parking spaces (including meters)
3: Facial hair
4: Paper cuts
5: Arseholes
6: Biscuits
7: Contraception
8: Spelling
9: Conkers (for the benefit of our one American reader in Dupont, CA - it's a game where small children attempt to shatter one another's knuckles with overgrown chestnuts covered in glue)
10: Shopping trolleys.
2: Parking spaces (including meters)
3: Facial hair
4: Paper cuts
5: Arseholes
6: Biscuits
7: Contraception
8: Spelling
9: Conkers (for the benefit of our one American reader in Dupont, CA - it's a game where small children attempt to shatter one another's knuckles with overgrown chestnuts covered in glue)
10: Shopping trolleys.
Thursday, 29 March 2007
10 ways to spot when someone is dead
1: When you shout "Stop" they do not instinctively respond with "Hammertime".
2: After a short upsurge in bedtime stamina, their performance between the sheets becomes consistently lacklustre and increasingly distant.
3: Their saxophone playing skills cease to develop at the expected rate.
4: They can sit all the way through Titanic without vomiting.
5: They develop an uncanny knack for winning at Musical Chairs.
6: They never get their round in.
7: Someone puts them in a big wooden box and buries it.
8: White-water kayaking no longer seems to hold them in such a thrall as it used to.
9: They allow the dog to keep humping their leg "to completion".
10: They become the one thing in your flat that smells worse than you do. (NOTE: At this point is is advisable to unchain them from the radiator and spark up the bonfire).
2: After a short upsurge in bedtime stamina, their performance between the sheets becomes consistently lacklustre and increasingly distant.
3: Their saxophone playing skills cease to develop at the expected rate.
4: They can sit all the way through Titanic without vomiting.
5: They develop an uncanny knack for winning at Musical Chairs.
6: They never get their round in.
7: Someone puts them in a big wooden box and buries it.
8: White-water kayaking no longer seems to hold them in such a thrall as it used to.
9: They allow the dog to keep humping their leg "to completion".
10: They become the one thing in your flat that smells worse than you do. (NOTE: At this point is is advisable to unchain them from the radiator and spark up the bonfire).
Wednesday, 28 March 2007
10 things we are yet to find a suitable use for
1: Employment
2: Cushions
3: Carl's Euro 2004 "clappy" hat
4: Windows Vista
5: The White Wine Spritzer
6: Lichtenstein
7: Steve McLaren
8: Non-alcoholic beer
9: Carl's collection of medieval Macedonian capes
10: Penis enlargement devices. (By Steve. That's Steve).
2: Cushions
3: Carl's Euro 2004 "clappy" hat
4: Windows Vista
5: The White Wine Spritzer
6: Lichtenstein
7: Steve McLaren
8: Non-alcoholic beer
9: Carl's collection of medieval Macedonian capes
10: Penis enlargement devices. (By Steve. That's Steve).
10 things you never knew you didn't know about parakeet maintenance
1. A parakeet is actually not as bird;
2. When in the vicinity of Devon custard cream, male parakeets let out effeminate yelps similar in sound to a 1987 Morris Ital going from 2nd to 3rd gear on a gravel surface. Has historically led to gross misunderstandings and several political upsets.
3. Parakeets are not allowed to win the superbowl, despite the recent relaxation of NFL governing rules;
4. Parakeet spelt backwards is, perhaps unsurprisingly, teekarap;
5. A parakeet is the only bird believed to have been present during the signing of the Treaty of Versaille. It was later put down following a bout of dysentery, - the suspicions where firmly laid at the French camp;
6. James Hetfield of Metallica owns and breeds several dead parakeets;
7. The parakeet gets its name from the Moldovian word for 'interoperability';
8. 1 in 3 parakeets suffer from a rare, debilitating and intolerable shyness, often leading to seasonal melancholy and introspection followed by sporadic yodelling;
9. It takes roughly two and two-thirds parakeet to make a feathered glove suitable for the strenuous demands of curling or other such indoor, ice-based sporting ventures;
10. Parakeet pie tastes like shit.
2. When in the vicinity of Devon custard cream, male parakeets let out effeminate yelps similar in sound to a 1987 Morris Ital going from 2nd to 3rd gear on a gravel surface. Has historically led to gross misunderstandings and several political upsets.
3. Parakeets are not allowed to win the superbowl, despite the recent relaxation of NFL governing rules;
4. Parakeet spelt backwards is, perhaps unsurprisingly, teekarap;
5. A parakeet is the only bird believed to have been present during the signing of the Treaty of Versaille. It was later put down following a bout of dysentery, - the suspicions where firmly laid at the French camp;
6. James Hetfield of Metallica owns and breeds several dead parakeets;
7. The parakeet gets its name from the Moldovian word for 'interoperability';
8. 1 in 3 parakeets suffer from a rare, debilitating and intolerable shyness, often leading to seasonal melancholy and introspection followed by sporadic yodelling;
9. It takes roughly two and two-thirds parakeet to make a feathered glove suitable for the strenuous demands of curling or other such indoor, ice-based sporting ventures;
10. Parakeet pie tastes like shit.
10 things you can't do on eBay
1: Swim
2: Sell your immortal soul
3: Mix butter with clay
4: Calculate the half-life of your pants
5: Calculate the half-life of anyone else's pants
6: Stick it to the man
7: Reverse the aging process
8: Get your household waste to compost down to a really good loam
9: Rob George Bush (Jnr) of his capacity to further contribute to the gene pool
10: Abseil down a moat (Note: This can't be done outside of eBay either)
2: Sell your immortal soul
3: Mix butter with clay
4: Calculate the half-life of your pants
5: Calculate the half-life of anyone else's pants
6: Stick it to the man
7: Reverse the aging process
8: Get your household waste to compost down to a really good loam
9: Rob George Bush (Jnr) of his capacity to further contribute to the gene pool
10: Abseil down a moat (Note: This can't be done outside of eBay either)
10 words we'd like to use more
1: Rambunctious
2: Gauleiter
3: Nipple-clamp (there's a hyphen in it, I tell you!)
4: Masthead
5: Ululation
6: Moist
7: No
8: Flange
9: Sesquipedalian
10: Clutter (a happy union of clay and butter)
2: Gauleiter
3: Nipple-clamp (there's a hyphen in it, I tell you!)
4: Masthead
5: Ululation
6: Moist
7: No
8: Flange
9: Sesquipedalian
10: Clutter (a happy union of clay and butter)
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