1. Punch myself in the face over and over again whilst chewing a lightbulb.
2. Spend a weekend being slowly digested by a portly Belgian man.
3. Spend the next twelve years living rough, observing the mating habits of diseased elm trees.
4. Work for the Guardian.
5. Examine the insides of my own eyes with a fish hook and a blow-torch.
6. Grow breasts and then have them sawn off and used to beat me to death.
7. Have a conversation with Anne Robinson, Jeremy Clarkson and Anthony Worrall-Thompson.
8. Staple my own knackers to a plane, before jumping out of said plane at 12,000 feet with no parachute, listening to a walkman playing bag-pipe "music".
9. Support my ageing bedframe on a base of my own faeces. Involves waiting for them to dry first, of course, otherwise your bed will slide all over the place and this might keep you awake.
10. Watch a full Hollyoaks omnibus edition, and then Pearl Harbour, "starring" Ben Affleck.
Friday, 15 August 2008
10 quail brand names
1. Quail or Fail – topical gameshow.
2. Quailuude – a new take on the classic depressant. "You'll be light as a feather".
3. Famous Quail - a little known and frankly undrinkable brand of whisky.
4. Scotch Quail Eggs - for the connoisseur with no tastebuds and no chance of making it to 30 without suffering a coronary.
5. Quailsits - Foam packaging that some bastards try to pass off as crisps. Don't eat them, they turn your cock orange.
6. Quailkea - A furniture shop where all the loo brushes are named after ugly villages in Denmark.
7. Quaility Street confectionary. For those moments when you just gotta have a crispy beak, or a caramelized quail's liver.
8. The Daily Quail - a dire newspaper for racists and idiots that I wouldn't even stoop so low as to wipe my arse on. We don't want Captain Botty getting stupidized by osmosis.
9. Quailure is not an option. Low-budget karate-flick about a young boy's journey into manhood following an ill-advised move to join the foreign legion, starring Ben Affleck.
10. Quailin' - bog roll your finger won't go through, and with which you stand at least an outside chance of not unnecessarily abrading an arse-cheek off.
2. Quailuude – a new take on the classic depressant. "You'll be light as a feather".
3. Famous Quail - a little known and frankly undrinkable brand of whisky.
4. Scotch Quail Eggs - for the connoisseur with no tastebuds and no chance of making it to 30 without suffering a coronary.
5. Quailsits - Foam packaging that some bastards try to pass off as crisps. Don't eat them, they turn your cock orange.
6. Quailkea - A furniture shop where all the loo brushes are named after ugly villages in Denmark.
7. Quaility Street confectionary. For those moments when you just gotta have a crispy beak, or a caramelized quail's liver.
8. The Daily Quail - a dire newspaper for racists and idiots that I wouldn't even stoop so low as to wipe my arse on. We don't want Captain Botty getting stupidized by osmosis.
9. Quailure is not an option. Low-budget karate-flick about a young boy's journey into manhood following an ill-advised move to join the foreign legion, starring Ben Affleck.
10. Quailin' - bog roll your finger won't go through, and with which you stand at least an outside chance of not unnecessarily abrading an arse-cheek off.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
10 reasons why Carlsson’s boss is a complete and utter twat
1. He’s a complete and utter twat
2. He only awards contracts to companies he claims he wish he had bought shares in. The more times he says “I wish I had bought shares in this company” before offering that company contracts, the more obvious it becomes that he HAS bought shares in that company, and subsequently offered them contracts. I’m sure this is illegal
3. Every time he addresses his ‘minions’, he seems to get stuck in a timewarp that somehow entitles him to incessantly spout out vacuous 80s motivational drivel that invariable turns out be to untrue, misleading and highly narcissistic
4. He has a nervous tick that, although possibly not his fault, fails to endear him to yours truly. Never trust a man whose face contracts every five seconds whilst he is lying to an audience of 200.
5. He constantly informs us of how successful we are as a company. I have to sit and listen to this shit knowing that several projects have and are failing on a spectacular scale as we speak, resulting in job losses and shit-bottom morale
6. He thinks he is funny and “down” with his staff. He thinks wrong.
7. His novel approach to management (taken from the pages of any early 1980s how to book) means that no one makes decisions or take responsibility for their actions. This has traditionally always been conducive to a great running operation.
8. He is incapable of answering any question in less than 600 words, even if that question is “what is your name?” Verbosity is one thing, inane verbosity from a cunt who thinks he is God’s gift to business is entirely another
9. He is incapable of addressing any member of staff without somehow referring to his previous successes with other companies. As if we care! He clearly lost his way since then, as all he can truly lay claim to now is failure after failure
10. He is a complete and utter twat
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
10 reasons why liberal lefties are ruining our lives
1. The colour purple (both the film and the colour)
2. No one likes using a dictionary
3. We know the world is fucked. Stop going on about it!
2. No one likes using a dictionary
3. We know the world is fucked. Stop going on about it!
4. Left-handed scissors don't stop you being mal-coordinated
5. We don't all deserve a chance, especially not people who make toothpaste from butter mixed with clay
6. Don't believe anything Clegg says. Vince Cable, if you are reading this, kindly smother Clegg while he sleeps. Note: Please don't, thinking about it. Just give him a good telling off and send him to the Naughty Corner
7. Hippies ultimately reject their own liberal ideals and end up managing multinational corporations with a fascist ferocity. “Save the trees so later in life I can pay poor people pittance to chop them down”
8. "Liberal Ideals" is an anagram of "Daddy didn't love me". (?)
9. Can liberalism cure my hangover? Answer: No it fucking can't
10. Tofu is not, I repeat not, universally acceptable as a source of nourishment
10 pathetic excuses for not writing blog entries
1. I have to count my pubes.
2: It currently measures 0.76 on the Carlsson scale
3. Belgium is still a sovereign state
4. If I write something I'll have to stop whinging about not having written anything, then what will I do? Huh?!!
5. I have been incapable of writing words containing the letters ' ' and ' ' since April 1936
6. There appears to be some elderly mayonnaise on my keyboard.
7. For every syllable I write a kitten is doused in kerosine and thrown on a bonfire.
8. Mother says my words are sinful, and if I blog again she's going to purge me with a horse whip and coca-cola enema combo.
9. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark, apparently (although this may be old news. I don't read much). I refuse to go on until this unacceptable situation has been resolved.
10. There's something rotten in my desk drawer which makes me gag when I try to get to the computer. I think it may be the corpse of a budgie I mislaid in early '07.
2: It currently measures 0.76 on the Carlsson scale
3. Belgium is still a sovereign state
4. If I write something I'll have to stop whinging about not having written anything, then what will I do? Huh?!!
5. I have been incapable of writing words containing the letters ' ' and ' ' since April 1936
6. There appears to be some elderly mayonnaise on my keyboard.
7. For every syllable I write a kitten is doused in kerosine and thrown on a bonfire.
8. Mother says my words are sinful, and if I blog again she's going to purge me with a horse whip and coca-cola enema combo.
9. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark, apparently (although this may be old news. I don't read much). I refuse to go on until this unacceptable situation has been resolved.
10. There's something rotten in my desk drawer which makes me gag when I try to get to the computer. I think it may be the corpse of a budgie I mislaid in early '07.
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
10 reasons why Man City are better off without Ronaldinho
1. He's so ugly, no channel would want to televise any of their games (not that they would want to now, either...)
2. There is relatively little call in Manchester for people with the ability to eat an apple through a tennis racket.
3. His poor command of English would inevitably lead to him referring to the club as Man Shitty.
4. He's Brazilian. Meaning in a few short days he'll either be working as a waiter, selling his ass for crack, or being shot on tube trains by the Met for no apparent reason.
5. He might overshadow the mighty Darius Vassell.
6. Ronaldinho is Mancunian dialect for "Please kick me in the nuts really hard, and then nick my trainers. "
... as indeed is "Hello".
7. Man City doesn't need flair, they need a football team
8. The site of the former World Player of the Year in a Sky Blue shirt would be the optical equivalent of "brown noise" meaning that the entire population of the world would collectively shit themselves at the first training session, burying the planet in faecal matter and rendering football irrelevant.
9. Ronaldinho would singlehandedly expose the entire squad for its shortcomings, leading it mutterings on the terraces of "we are actually really, really shit"
10. He looks like a twat in a beret.
See?
2. There is relatively little call in Manchester for people with the ability to eat an apple through a tennis racket.
3. His poor command of English would inevitably lead to him referring to the club as Man Shitty.
4. He's Brazilian. Meaning in a few short days he'll either be working as a waiter, selling his ass for crack, or being shot on tube trains by the Met for no apparent reason.
5. He might overshadow the mighty Darius Vassell.
6. Ronaldinho is Mancunian dialect for "Please kick me in the nuts really hard, and then nick my trainers. "
... as indeed is "Hello".
7. Man City doesn't need flair, they need a football team
8. The site of the former World Player of the Year in a Sky Blue shirt would be the optical equivalent of "brown noise" meaning that the entire population of the world would collectively shit themselves at the first training session, burying the planet in faecal matter and rendering football irrelevant.
9. Ronaldinho would singlehandedly expose the entire squad for its shortcomings, leading it mutterings on the terraces of "we are actually really, really shit"
10. He looks like a twat in a beret.
See?
10 things that aren't relative
1. Death
2. Belgium
3. Amputated fingers
4. Modern life
5. Everthing (according to a film of 1994 of the adult genre)
6. High resolution holographic recordings of elephant figurines with specific reference to Rousselot de-ionised, photo-type gelatins
7. Time
8. Conceptual violence
9. Kronenbourg 1664, Sponseur du Tour de France
10. Hackney
2. Belgium
3. Amputated fingers
4. Modern life
5. Everthing (according to a film of 1994 of the adult genre)
6. High resolution holographic recordings of elephant figurines with specific reference to Rousselot de-ionised, photo-type gelatins
7. Time
8. Conceptual violence
9. Kronenbourg 1664, Sponseur du Tour de France
10. Hackney
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