1. I have to count my pubes.
2: It currently measures 0.76 on the Carlsson scale
3. Belgium is still a sovereign state
4. If I write something I'll have to stop whinging about not having written anything, then what will I do? Huh?!!
5. I have been incapable of writing words containing the letters ' ' and ' ' since April 1936
6. There appears to be some elderly mayonnaise on my keyboard.
7. For every syllable I write a kitten is doused in kerosine and thrown on a bonfire.
8. Mother says my words are sinful, and if I blog again she's going to purge me with a horse whip and coca-cola enema combo.
9. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark, apparently (although this may be old news. I don't read much). I refuse to go on until this unacceptable situation has been resolved.
10. There's something rotten in my desk drawer which makes me gag when I try to get to the computer. I think it may be the corpse of a budgie I mislaid in early '07.
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
10 reasons why Man City are better off without Ronaldinho
1. He's so ugly, no channel would want to televise any of their games (not that they would want to now, either...)
2. There is relatively little call in Manchester for people with the ability to eat an apple through a tennis racket.
3. His poor command of English would inevitably lead to him referring to the club as Man Shitty.
4. He's Brazilian. Meaning in a few short days he'll either be working as a waiter, selling his ass for crack, or being shot on tube trains by the Met for no apparent reason.
5. He might overshadow the mighty Darius Vassell.
6. Ronaldinho is Mancunian dialect for "Please kick me in the nuts really hard, and then nick my trainers. "
... as indeed is "Hello".
7. Man City doesn't need flair, they need a football team
8. The site of the former World Player of the Year in a Sky Blue shirt would be the optical equivalent of "brown noise" meaning that the entire population of the world would collectively shit themselves at the first training session, burying the planet in faecal matter and rendering football irrelevant.
9. Ronaldinho would singlehandedly expose the entire squad for its shortcomings, leading it mutterings on the terraces of "we are actually really, really shit"
10. He looks like a twat in a beret.
See?
2. There is relatively little call in Manchester for people with the ability to eat an apple through a tennis racket.
3. His poor command of English would inevitably lead to him referring to the club as Man Shitty.
4. He's Brazilian. Meaning in a few short days he'll either be working as a waiter, selling his ass for crack, or being shot on tube trains by the Met for no apparent reason.
5. He might overshadow the mighty Darius Vassell.
6. Ronaldinho is Mancunian dialect for "Please kick me in the nuts really hard, and then nick my trainers. "
... as indeed is "Hello".
7. Man City doesn't need flair, they need a football team
8. The site of the former World Player of the Year in a Sky Blue shirt would be the optical equivalent of "brown noise" meaning that the entire population of the world would collectively shit themselves at the first training session, burying the planet in faecal matter and rendering football irrelevant.
9. Ronaldinho would singlehandedly expose the entire squad for its shortcomings, leading it mutterings on the terraces of "we are actually really, really shit"
10. He looks like a twat in a beret.
See?
10 things that aren't relative
1. Death
2. Belgium
3. Amputated fingers
4. Modern life
5. Everthing (according to a film of 1994 of the adult genre)
6. High resolution holographic recordings of elephant figurines with specific reference to Rousselot de-ionised, photo-type gelatins
7. Time
8. Conceptual violence
9. Kronenbourg 1664, Sponseur du Tour de France
10. Hackney
2. Belgium
3. Amputated fingers
4. Modern life
5. Everthing (according to a film of 1994 of the adult genre)
6. High resolution holographic recordings of elephant figurines with specific reference to Rousselot de-ionised, photo-type gelatins
7. Time
8. Conceptual violence
9. Kronenbourg 1664, Sponseur du Tour de France
10. Hackney
Thursday, 5 June 2008
10 famous British cats
1. Cat Deeley
2. Bagpuss (Note: Not, as you may be forgiven for thinking, a cruel euphemism for a lady's front bottom)
3. Henry's cat (Note: He has since let me in on a little secret... Henry's Cat is only his stage name! Surprised? I fairly shat.)
4. Cat scan...
5. James the Cat
6. Henk ten Cate (Note: May also claim to be Dutch. Don't believe a word of it. Nor indeed is he Belgian)
7. Catterick.
8. Quail-Cat (Like Spider-Pig but with much more palpable a sense of inner turmoil)
9. The Argos CATalogue.
10. Sophie Ellis Bextor.
And now for your enjoyment, some cats in hats:
2. Bagpuss (Note: Not, as you may be forgiven for thinking, a cruel euphemism for a lady's front bottom)
3. Henry's cat (Note: He has since let me in on a little secret... Henry's Cat is only his stage name! Surprised? I fairly shat.)
4. Cat scan...
5. James the Cat
6. Henk ten Cat
7. Catterick.
8. Quail-Cat (Like Spider-Pig but with much more palpable a sense of inner turmoil)
9. The Argos CATalogue.
10. Sophie Ellis Bextor.
And now for your enjoyment, some cats in hats:
10 things the French have got right
2. Carla Bruni
3. The rest of the world does not matter as long as it does not speak French and is not a former colony of the republic. Wait, did they get that right?
4. Wine. As opposed to Buckfast.
5. A liberal attitude to the purchase of codeine
6. An acceptance of the fact that women are sexier when they smoke, don't speak English and have hairy armpits
7. Cheese eating surrender monkeys, perhaps, but ultimately still alive.
8. Building refugee camps next to the border of a country with poor immigration service to solve your own immigration problem.
9. If it weren't for
10. Snails are nicer to eat than to step on
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
10 things to do if you run out of drugs
1. Buy more, immediately!
2. Develop another addiction, like an irrational love of sponge. If and when that runs out you can always resort back to drugs.
3. Call your boss, grovel and ask for your job back.
4. Start drinking. Heavily!
5. Relax. Your flatmate will be back in a few hours and hopefully he’ll have some drugs.
6. Make your own. Your local pharmacy has more outs than you can imagine.
7. Get sectioned. Do some research prior to this on what drugs are given for what mental illnesses and act accordingly.
8. Masturbate. WORKS EVERY TIME!
9. As above, but in the company of another, or several, like-minded people.
10. Snort shavings of Keith Richards.
2. Develop another addiction, like an irrational love of sponge. If and when that runs out you can always resort back to drugs.
3. Call your boss, grovel and ask for your job back.
4. Start drinking. Heavily!
5. Relax. Your flatmate will be back in a few hours and hopefully he’ll have some drugs.
6. Make your own. Your local pharmacy has more outs than you can imagine.
7. Get sectioned. Do some research prior to this on what drugs are given for what mental illnesses and act accordingly.
8. Masturbate. WORKS EVERY TIME!
9. As above, but in the company of another, or several, like-minded people.
10. Snort shavings of Keith Richards.
10 ways to avoid getting hung, drawn and quartered
1. Make sure you’re not currently in any of the centuries preceding the 20th and in the process of planning, carrying out or getting caught for deeds of a criminal nature, including treason, libel and/or homosexuality.
2. Prior to the commencement of your punishment (should you have avoided following the advice given in point one, above), take a bath in hot, liquid steel. Once dried, the metal should make strangulation and dismemberment more difficult. Note: may cause severe bodily harm and death.
3. Always align yourself with the current King, Queen or other such de facto ruler, but not too much, should the power suddenly shift in favour of another ruler after which your show of support might be construed as amounting to treason, libel or homosexuality. Again, the best advice is probably to follow the guidelines set out in point one.
4. Prior to the metering out of your mediaeval punishment, swiftly remove all rope, sharp objects and horses from a 50 miles radius of the gallows, thus making the process of hanging, being drawn and quartered more difficult due to a lack of material.
5. Whilst awaiting your gruesome and no doubt just demise, convert to the animal kingdom and proclaim yourself a servant of the noble Quail. You can then deny the authority of the court and wait to be rescued by your feathery friends whilst maintaining a certain level of righteous smugness.
6. Claim you have a bad back and as such should be spared the punishment. It may help to have a doctor’s note to back you up, should it go to a tribunal.
7. Become a pike, or as much like a pike as you can. It is a well-established fact that pikes can’t be quartered. You will probably still die from the hanging, though, this despite pike-necks being notoriously slippery and not of the ideal shape for hanging.
8. Accept the weight of eth world on your shoulders. The extra pounds of weight may cause the rope to snap before the point of asphyxiation. Note: proceed with caution as the weight of the world can be rather heavy, especially during bank holidays and when in the company of deceased German philosophers.
9. Create your own gravitational field in your gut by eating Jade Gooding and not going to the toilet for a week afterwards. When the trapdoor opens you will simply hover in your current position. The massive force exerted by the dense weight of consumed Gooding will also make the process of quartering impossible. Should Jade Gooding not be available during your century, any old fat bitch will do.
10. Commit suicide by decapitating yourself and then eating the remains. Imagine the indignation when the executioner arrives only to find his subject reduced to faeces! Remember, a quarter of shit is still shit.
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