1. Uncomfortable chair
2. Rectal prolapse bean bag
3. Ugly bed for ugly person
4. Recycled foreskin deck chair
5. Herpes bedsheet (wipe clean)
6. Uncle Tommi's inappropriate hand gesture bath robe
7. Peed-on loo seat with tazer attachment
8. Self-imploding kitchen sink
9. Suspiciously rectum-friendly plastic fruit
10. Floral design hand grenade
Saturday, 2 February 2008
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Ten reasons why pirates rule and ninjas suck (or, in layman's terms, why ninjas are so shit and pirates are so it)
Okay we've all had the conversation.
Pirates vs Ninjas.
Sadly I have been circumstantially involved in numerous debates on this particular subject with a great number of individuals, some even people, who have taken the ludicrous stance of supporting the ninja, or masked dickheads as they are also known (masked dickheads, losers, lightweights, wimps, wankers, pricks, sneaky beaks, cunts, totally lame tossers – these are but a few, rather flattering expressions, used to refer to the ninja, who is crap).
Traditionally such discourse has resulted in the near death, severe incapacitation or outright termination of the offending verbal combatant at the hands of my cutlass. Given that recent developments in the rule of law has made this process not only tiresome but illegal, I will confess that the sole reason I carry on is the fact that I am a pirate myself, and as such not entirely subject to the laws of this demented island (well I am, but I am also a pirate, so some thing's got to give).
I digress.
Here's ten facts about pirates that put the entire ninja diaspora to shame, ideally for ever (although as a seasoned sea hag I can make no promises, I can only provide hope, inspiration and dollars, except of course the dollars bit, as I currently only have Euros, pounds sterling and Sumerian clay tablets. And I am in between pillaging, so I am bit skint).
1. Pirates have beards. Ninjas have lip-fluff at best, which I think we can all agree looks ridiculous on what is supposedly a grown man or woman;
2. Pirates drink alcohol and are subsequently prone to acts of rape, pillage and general boisterous behaviour. I like that. Ninjas (on the other hand) prefer karaoke, sneaking around and generally not being very cool. Boring bastards.
3. Pirates are prone to scurvy. Ninjas are just boring.
4. Pirates are hard-drinking, hard-fucking and hard-fighting cretins. Good enough for me. Ninjas don't drink, they are asexual and hang out in trees. Lame;
5. A one-legged pirate is just as dangerous as a fully-abled pirate, thanks mainly to crude prosthetics and scurvy. Ninjas are crap. Have you ever seen a ninja with a wooden leg? Me neither. What a bunch of sissies;
6. The word pirate conjures a whole host of cool things, like piracy, eye patches, fighting and barrels of rum. The word ninja conjures up crap things like hanging out in trees, getting an ass kicking by American B and C-list actors and bad dubbing;
7. Pirates have secret treasures, immense amounts of general loot and often scurvy. Ninjas have black pyjamas and high-pitched voices;
8. Pirates know how to fucking party. Rum, sex, weapons– all things essential for a great party. The pirates will drink until they can drink no more and then proceed to meddle with non-pirate people's spouses until sunrise, when the pirates will saunter back to the ship for some more booze, frequently followed by an early morning pillaging session. Ninjas have one pint, spend three hours embarrassing themselves on the karaoke machine, throw up on a covert kung fu renegade and then fall asleep in a tree;
9. Pirates are not afraid to go out on limb! (they sure ain't! - Ed.);
10. The majority of the greatest discoveries of all time, such as penicillin, Uzbekistan, colour television and White Ace cider to name but a few, were made by pirates. Noteworthy examples include the wheel (Captain Nigel 'Hook' Jameson, 1754 AD during a raid on a French schooner), gravel (Admiral Blackswan Crikey, 1877 AD, whilst inventing monks), history (Skull 'Dagger' Nielsen, 1066 AD, whilst adapting the works of Goethe (also a pirate) to an open-air performance for minks), central heating (Luke 'One-Leg' Lohan III, 1996 AD, whilst asleep) and cuff links (Jean-Jean Pierre Elroy, 1903 BC, merely days prior to completing the first circumnavigation of Margate). Perhaps the most famous of all pirate discoveries was that of the infamous Abraham Lead (generally considered the father of art nouveau (source needed)), who in 1233 invented the concept of the peninsula. Ninjas ain't discovered shit. Landlubbing bastards.
Pirates vs Ninjas.
Sadly I have been circumstantially involved in numerous debates on this particular subject with a great number of individuals, some even people, who have taken the ludicrous stance of supporting the ninja, or masked dickheads as they are also known (masked dickheads, losers, lightweights, wimps, wankers, pricks, sneaky beaks, cunts, totally lame tossers – these are but a few, rather flattering expressions, used to refer to the ninja, who is crap).
Traditionally such discourse has resulted in the near death, severe incapacitation or outright termination of the offending verbal combatant at the hands of my cutlass. Given that recent developments in the rule of law has made this process not only tiresome but illegal, I will confess that the sole reason I carry on is the fact that I am a pirate myself, and as such not entirely subject to the laws of this demented island (well I am, but I am also a pirate, so some thing's got to give).
I digress.
Here's ten facts about pirates that put the entire ninja diaspora to shame, ideally for ever (although as a seasoned sea hag I can make no promises, I can only provide hope, inspiration and dollars, except of course the dollars bit, as I currently only have Euros, pounds sterling and Sumerian clay tablets. And I am in between pillaging, so I am bit skint).
1. Pirates have beards. Ninjas have lip-fluff at best, which I think we can all agree looks ridiculous on what is supposedly a grown man or woman;
2. Pirates drink alcohol and are subsequently prone to acts of rape, pillage and general boisterous behaviour. I like that. Ninjas (on the other hand) prefer karaoke, sneaking around and generally not being very cool. Boring bastards.
3. Pirates are prone to scurvy. Ninjas are just boring.
4. Pirates are hard-drinking, hard-fucking and hard-fighting cretins. Good enough for me. Ninjas don't drink, they are asexual and hang out in trees. Lame;
5. A one-legged pirate is just as dangerous as a fully-abled pirate, thanks mainly to crude prosthetics and scurvy. Ninjas are crap. Have you ever seen a ninja with a wooden leg? Me neither. What a bunch of sissies;
6. The word pirate conjures a whole host of cool things, like piracy, eye patches, fighting and barrels of rum. The word ninja conjures up crap things like hanging out in trees, getting an ass kicking by American B and C-list actors and bad dubbing;
7. Pirates have secret treasures, immense amounts of general loot and often scurvy. Ninjas have black pyjamas and high-pitched voices;
8. Pirates know how to fucking party. Rum, sex, weapons– all things essential for a great party. The pirates will drink until they can drink no more and then proceed to meddle with non-pirate people's spouses until sunrise, when the pirates will saunter back to the ship for some more booze, frequently followed by an early morning pillaging session. Ninjas have one pint, spend three hours embarrassing themselves on the karaoke machine, throw up on a covert kung fu renegade and then fall asleep in a tree;
9. Pirates are not afraid to go out on limb! (they sure ain't! - Ed.);
10. The majority of the greatest discoveries of all time, such as penicillin, Uzbekistan, colour television and White Ace cider to name but a few, were made by pirates. Noteworthy examples include the wheel (Captain Nigel 'Hook' Jameson, 1754 AD during a raid on a French schooner), gravel (Admiral Blackswan Crikey, 1877 AD, whilst inventing monks), history (Skull 'Dagger' Nielsen, 1066 AD, whilst adapting the works of Goethe (also a pirate) to an open-air performance for minks), central heating (Luke 'One-Leg' Lohan III, 1996 AD, whilst asleep) and cuff links (Jean-Jean Pierre Elroy, 1903 BC, merely days prior to completing the first circumnavigation of Margate). Perhaps the most famous of all pirate discoveries was that of the infamous Abraham Lead (generally considered the father of art nouveau (source needed)), who in 1233 invented the concept of the peninsula. Ninjas ain't discovered shit. Landlubbing bastards.
Monday, 7 January 2008
10 politically incorrect statements that won't make you any friends
Here we’ve compiled 10 statements that are unlikely to help you win a by-election (or make, retain or endear you to acquaintances).
They are also somewhat politically incorrect. Thin people often smell of shit too.
1. I'm the kind of guy that'll piss in your sink
2. I always thought Nelson Mandela was a bit of a gay cunt
3. A dead Welshman is a good Welshman, as long as he or she isn't a ginger twat
4. Princess Diana was a cock-sucking slapper
5. Turkish women smuggle heroin in their moustaches
6. Fat people smell of shit
7. I've never been to Ghana but I know it is mainly populated by retards
8. Ugly women should offer themselves up for sterilisation as a gesture of goodwill, and then drown themselves in vats of lukewarm semen
9. I use your toothbrush to clean the lice off my arsehair while you sleep
10. I was going to kill Jill Dando but some fat degenerate poofter beat me to it. It gave me a tremendous hard on, which was unexpected. But welcome.
They are also somewhat politically incorrect. Thin people often smell of shit too.
1. I'm the kind of guy that'll piss in your sink
2. I always thought Nelson Mandela was a bit of a gay cunt
3. A dead Welshman is a good Welshman, as long as he or she isn't a ginger twat
4. Princess Diana was a cock-sucking slapper
5. Turkish women smuggle heroin in their moustaches
6. Fat people smell of shit
7. I've never been to Ghana but I know it is mainly populated by retards
8. Ugly women should offer themselves up for sterilisation as a gesture of goodwill, and then drown themselves in vats of lukewarm semen
9. I use your toothbrush to clean the lice off my arsehair while you sleep
10. I was going to kill Jill Dando but some fat degenerate poofter beat me to it. It gave me a tremendous hard on, which was unexpected. But welcome.
Friday, 7 December 2007
Ten facts
We all know facts are boring and, well, factual. We here at the Gasmpire are somewhat boring and, well, factual too.
We are also fairly lazy, so we’ve chosen to compile a list of ten obvious facts, to save us doing the research.
1. Sticking your cock in a blender is no way to spend a Thursday;
2. Consuming alcohol may increases the likelihood of getting drunk;
3. Playing the banjo naked in a blizzard is stupid (may also lead to significant decrease in body temperature);
4. A biscuit covered in faecal matter is no substitute for "the work ethic";
5. Excessive drinking will lead to your urine;
6. Referring to a colleague as a "Roaring Tosspot from Hades with all the charisma of a brick smeared with discharge" is unlikely to get them "on side". However, do it anyway;
7. Making an omelette without breaking an egg does not an omelette make. Unless you like eating eggshells and raw egg, in which case it is fine;
8. If someone has a "case of sour grapes" one should not necessarily be given to understand that their luggage is stuffed with elderly fruit;
9. If it smells like cheese and it looks like cheese, presumably it is cheese (note: not true);
10. If you eat nothing but lemons for 15 years, you will most certainly not turn into a lemon. You may, however, die.
We are also fairly lazy, so we’ve chosen to compile a list of ten obvious facts, to save us doing the research.
1. Sticking your cock in a blender is no way to spend a Thursday;
2. Consuming alcohol may increases the likelihood of getting drunk;
3. Playing the banjo naked in a blizzard is stupid (may also lead to significant decrease in body temperature);
4. A biscuit covered in faecal matter is no substitute for "the work ethic";
5. Excessive drinking will lead to your urine;
6. Referring to a colleague as a "Roaring Tosspot from Hades with all the charisma of a brick smeared with discharge" is unlikely to get them "on side". However, do it anyway;
7. Making an omelette without breaking an egg does not an omelette make. Unless you like eating eggshells and raw egg, in which case it is fine;
8. If someone has a "case of sour grapes" one should not necessarily be given to understand that their luggage is stuffed with elderly fruit;
9. If it smells like cheese and it looks like cheese, presumably it is cheese (note: not true);
10. If you eat nothing but lemons for 15 years, you will most certainly not turn into a lemon. You may, however, die.
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Ten signs that you are a moron
We've all wondered from time to time (well, not us, but you) whether or not we're morons. If you have had such thoughts you probably are a complete idiot. But to make it easier for yourselves, we have compiled a list of ten signs to look for when trying to figure out if you are a complete idiot or not. Enjoy.
You know you're a moron when:
1. You own one or several Lighthouse Family albums
2. You wear tracksuits outside a gym
3. You search for the Google homepage using Google
4. You have a mullet
5. You placed a £10 bet that England would qualify for Euro 2008
6. Your favourite author is Andy McNab
7. You believe in Jesus
8. You think Sherlock Holmes is still alive
9. You tell people that you “go college, innit?”
10. You cross your i's with a heart ”because it's cute”
Ten signs that you are a moron, part 2
You know you're a moron when:
1. You regularly pray
2. You take a shit in a pub lavatory before checking the availability of toilet paper
3. You have a daughter called Chelsea, Chardonnay or Chantelle
4. You still use Windows 98 ME
5. You consider a trip to Butlin's a great holiday
6. You voted for Labour only to have your 18 year old son mutilated whilst on military duty in Iraq
7. You think watermelon-flavoured Bacardi Breezers are classy
8. People refer to you as “special”, laugh and then push you in a canal
9. You voluntarily live in Walsall
10. You describe yourself as being “bubbly” (Note: not only is this a certain indicator that you are a moron, it is also a sign that you're fat, have few friends and wet yourself when you get drunk)
Friday, 23 November 2007
Ten ways to avoid a recurring infestation of melancholic mink
Well, what do you think this article is about?
1. Surround yourself with pink fluffy marshmallows, for they are the nemesis of the mink;
2. Wash all minkable surfaces in a generous mixture of bleach, diluted despair and 200 litres of industrial anti-mink;
3. Place an announcement on Facemink, Minkspace, BeMink and other mink social networking sites declaring the unavailability and unsuitability of your premises as a place for recurring or even sporadic infestations of mink;
4. Shoot yourself repeatedly with a gun until dead. It won’t avoid a recurring infestation of melancholic mink, but by then you won’t care (note: this advice is fucking brilliant! It applies to almost every problem ever conceived, devised or encountered. Where’s my knighthood?);
5. Surround yourself with Monks, hence using up all available examples of the letters 'm', 'n' and 'k' and leaving none to be occupied by stray disgruntled members of the Mustelidae family;
6. Convert to Christianity and let Jesus sort it out (note: at time of going to press, it remains uncertain to what extent Jesus, His Lord or whatever other schizophrenic moniker he goes by these days has any jurisdiction over the voluntary mink Diaspora, but as they say, that is His problem);
7. Fight fire with fire and start to infest (with recurring frequency) any abode or other such dwellings known to house concentrations of melancholic mink on the brink of leaving for nefarious purposes. They’ll be too scared to leave in case you have decided to take over their homes or plan to return sometime later for the same purpose in a recurring fashion or indeed manner. Dress in overalls smeared with mink-repellent just to piss them off. Note: may still result in a recurring infestation of melancholic mink. This advice may prove not to work at all. It's pretty much all conjecture until someone tries it, and we sure as hell won't. We're simply too lazy. Besides I'm 32% mink;
8. Create a large wooden see-saw (in the order of 100ft in length). On one end gather together yourself, your home and all your belongings. Drop a double decker bus full of rhinos on the other end. Problem solved. Mink cannot fly.
9. Have your butler politely ask them to leave;
10. Dig a bottomless pit in your home and place signpost pointing towards the pit with the words “Mink? Recurring? Come this way” written in pensive hues, accompanied by a smaller sign underneath saying “life is depressing”. It may seem a cruel trick to play, but trust us, once you’ve had recurring infestations of melancholic mink, any considerations of such nature become wholly obsolete and almost insulting.
Queen Victoria was famusly said to have an odour akin to that of recurring melancholic mink. This in some way explains her bad smell. Also, she was fairly ugly, which didn't help. Ugly but rich.
1. Surround yourself with pink fluffy marshmallows, for they are the nemesis of the mink;
2. Wash all minkable surfaces in a generous mixture of bleach, diluted despair and 200 litres of industrial anti-mink;
3. Place an announcement on Facemink, Minkspace, BeMink and other mink social networking sites declaring the unavailability and unsuitability of your premises as a place for recurring or even sporadic infestations of mink;
4. Shoot yourself repeatedly with a gun until dead. It won’t avoid a recurring infestation of melancholic mink, but by then you won’t care (note: this advice is fucking brilliant! It applies to almost every problem ever conceived, devised or encountered. Where’s my knighthood?);
5. Surround yourself with Monks, hence using up all available examples of the letters 'm', 'n' and 'k' and leaving none to be occupied by stray disgruntled members of the Mustelidae family;
6. Convert to Christianity and let Jesus sort it out (note: at time of going to press, it remains uncertain to what extent Jesus, His Lord or whatever other schizophrenic moniker he goes by these days has any jurisdiction over the voluntary mink Diaspora, but as they say, that is His problem);
7. Fight fire with fire and start to infest (with recurring frequency) any abode or other such dwellings known to house concentrations of melancholic mink on the brink of leaving for nefarious purposes. They’ll be too scared to leave in case you have decided to take over their homes or plan to return sometime later for the same purpose in a recurring fashion or indeed manner. Dress in overalls smeared with mink-repellent just to piss them off. Note: may still result in a recurring infestation of melancholic mink. This advice may prove not to work at all. It's pretty much all conjecture until someone tries it, and we sure as hell won't. We're simply too lazy. Besides I'm 32% mink;
8. Create a large wooden see-saw (in the order of 100ft in length). On one end gather together yourself, your home and all your belongings. Drop a double decker bus full of rhinos on the other end. Problem solved. Mink cannot fly.
9. Have your butler politely ask them to leave;
10. Dig a bottomless pit in your home and place signpost pointing towards the pit with the words “Mink? Recurring? Come this way” written in pensive hues, accompanied by a smaller sign underneath saying “life is depressing”. It may seem a cruel trick to play, but trust us, once you’ve had recurring infestations of melancholic mink, any considerations of such nature become wholly obsolete and almost insulting.
Queen Victoria was famusly said to have an odour akin to that of recurring melancholic mink. This in some way explains her bad smell. Also, she was fairly ugly, which didn't help. Ugly but rich.
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