10 methodologies by which to prevent some jumped-up little prick parking in your space

1: Rip off his head and impale it on a spike next to the space. History teaches us that this is an effective deterrent/healthy snack - dependent on whose history you read.
2: Dig up your parking space, fry it in a little butter and force-feed it to the little shit with a spade. If he refuses, gee him along some with a shot gun. Once he has consumed your parking space he will find it immensely difficult to park on it. Unless he is Brian Harvey.
3: Get yourself on eBay and pick up a tank.






A Challenger II(pictured) should do it. Then you can park wherever the fuck you like.
4: Chop off his head with a machete, considerably reducing his depth perception skills.
5: Disguise your parking space as a Job Centre.
6: Employ a traffic warden and don't feed it. They are more dangerous when they're hungry.
7: Draw a salt pentagram on your space. When he parks there, Satan will belch his foulest minions up through the bottom of his motor and, with careful aiming, directly up his bum-hole. He will hence be dragged kicking and screaming into a burning pit of hideous damnation by his anal sphincter, courtesy of two, miffed, Angels of Death.
8: Report him as a terrorist. He'll be detained without charge for an ever increasing number of days, and with any luck he'll get a good hard sodomizing with a broom-handle into the deal too.
9: Knee-cap him. (Note - only effective if your space has shit disabled access, most do).
10: Excavate your space and fill it with shit and Semtex. Cover with something black. Should he park in your space again, he'll find himself un-parking upwards at quite some velocity. He'll also be covered in shit.

10 alternative uses for a Bible

1: Rough but cheap toilet paper. Good for having a holy shit.
2: Acts as a reminder that progress is a good thing. Makes funny
reading for the rational homo sapiens.
3: Shove it up a Jehovah's Witness's backside. Pleasingly it's an
especially uncomfortable size and shape.
4: Can function as a cheap and sadly plentiful resource for making
Scientologists look taller.
5: Cut a hole in all the pages, it's a smashing place to hide your crack.
6: Can allegedly ward of evil (sadly this doesn't apply to Christians or Jews).
7: Can simlutaneoulsy make a prison sentence seem worse whilst providing material for completing that long-distance origami class.
8: When torn up, mixed with paste, smeared on an inflated balloon and
painted blue, it passes as a monumentally shit Christmas present.
9: The pages can be crumpled up and placed inside wet shoes. The wet shoes can then be placed on the hardback cover and positioned in front of a source of heat like a fireplace (or the gates of hell, for example). Provided the shoes are wet to begin with, they will soon be dry. (Look – it's fucking hard to find ANY proper usage for a bible – give us a break! Carlsson)
10: Makes an excellent "moral" shield behind which to cringe, giving you free reign to exercise prejudices of all kinds, and get round to that genocide project you've had on the back-burner for so long...

10 reasons to accept any offer of employment from a granary bap (pictured)

1: Bereft of olfactory senses, a granary bap will not smell the gin on you.
2: A meeting with a granary bap is likely to be a short, one-sided affair culminating in you getting your own way.
3: There is little chance of you getting pissed at the office Christmas party and trying to shag a granary bap...
4: ... and even if you do, all the incriminating evidence is edible.
5: Granary baps are Equal Opportunities Employers.
6: Having no particular dietary requirements, a granary bap is more likely to let you replace the office canteen with a fridge full of Guinness.
7: Granary baps are good for you, whereas people can be mean.
8: I have never heard anyone complain of getting a shitty e-mail about deadlines, and "your attitude" from a granary bap, nor for that matter from any dough-based food product.
9: It is difficult to heat a normal boss, cover them in butter and then scoff them. Granary baps are considerably more amenable to such advances.
10: Baps are great :)

A Granary Bap (seriously, Google image search for "granary bap"... if you have time. Or not. Yes, I am a loser. Oh fuck off.)




Please note: A granary bap, when filled with cheese, ham or quail, makes a suitable lunchtime repast. Quail.

Ten ways to distinguish a quail from a whale

1. you won’t find lumps of dried krill stuck to the side of a quail’s beak
2. whales tend to be slightly larger than quails, and often with significantly less feathers
3. quail fat does not make for good soap
4. quails are difficult to harpoon, especially when submerged
5. whales’ nests are very shabby, and almost constantly wet
6. quails can fly
7. whale embryos rarely get served at fancy restaurants
8. Although the two species share only one common letter, “a”, they are more often than not spelt entirely differently (does not apply to those languages where this is not the case, such Gruhurrhbands and possibly Cornish)
9. a whale basks, whereas a quail frequently flaps
10. one is a bird and one is a marine mammal



Flemish quail miners, near the Pommeranian border, 1876.

(note: The person on the far left was an extra in UK medical-based TV drama Holby City. He subsequently drowned himself in a vat of stale elk's piss much to the amusement of his peers, all of whom despised him for his success.)

10 reasons why Victor Kayam (if that is his real name) is such a dickhead

1: Victor Kayam doesn't come when you call him (try it...)
2: He sucks at curling.
3: 9 out of 10 cats would not leave their kids with Victor Kayam.
4: God liked him so much, he killed him.
5: Victor Kayam breeds baby rabbits, shatters their legs with an 8 pound lump hammer, and then races them down a flume lubricated with battery acid.
6: Victor Kayam cannot tie his own shoelaces. I can. Ha.
7: I strongly suspect that Victor Kayam was in no small way responsible for the untimely death of my uncle's pigeon.
8. Victor Kayam once puked on himself. He liked it so much, he bought it.
9: Victor Kayam's recipe for "Jerk Chicken" owes nothing to the culinary tradition of the Caribbean, and more than it should to the centre pages of Razzle and the abuse of poultry.
10: Victor Kayam once took a shit on the Bayeux Tapestry, and then blamed it on a group of mentally retarded children on school trip. He later went back, scraped off some of the shit and ate it.

10 excellent euphemisms for the humble bum-hole...

1. Balloon knot
2. Boris Johnson
3. Turd sprinkler
4. Rusty Sheriff's Badge
5. Chocolate Starfish
6. 0.0001 miles of Belgium
7. Chutney mine
8. Serviceman's entrance
9. Cockney pudding
10. The Inverted Minstrel

10 implausible excuses for having a piece of fruit up one's bottom

Taking the intellectual high ground, as ever...

1. It's a political prisoner.
2. It's not a banana, it's a bendy yellow egg - I'm going to be it's Mummy.
3. Shhh... it's sleeping.
4. It was like that when I got here?
5. I was brutally sodomised by the Man from Del Monte, don't you know.
6. Blah... changing lightbulb... blah ... step ladder... blah... naked... blah... fell... blah... fruit bowl. You make up the rest. I don't care.
7. It must have fallen of the bloody great tree in my pants.
8. It went up there looking for the pineapple.
9. I wondered why that smoothie had a "pooey" aftertaste.
10. My butt-plug is on holiday.