10 reasons to accept any offer of employment from a granary bap (pictured)

1: Bereft of olfactory senses, a granary bap will not smell the gin on you.
2: A meeting with a granary bap is likely to be a short, one-sided affair culminating in you getting your own way.
3: There is little chance of you getting pissed at the office Christmas party and trying to shag a granary bap...
4: ... and even if you do, all the incriminating evidence is edible.
5: Granary baps are Equal Opportunities Employers.
6: Having no particular dietary requirements, a granary bap is more likely to let you replace the office canteen with a fridge full of Guinness.
7: Granary baps are good for you, whereas people can be mean.
8: I have never heard anyone complain of getting a shitty e-mail about deadlines, and "your attitude" from a granary bap, nor for that matter from any dough-based food product.
9: It is difficult to heat a normal boss, cover them in butter and then scoff them. Granary baps are considerably more amenable to such advances.
10: Baps are great :)

A Granary Bap (seriously, Google image search for "granary bap"... if you have time. Or not. Yes, I am a loser. Oh fuck off.)




Please note: A granary bap, when filled with cheese, ham or quail, makes a suitable lunchtime repast. Quail.

Ten ways to distinguish a quail from a whale

1. you won’t find lumps of dried krill stuck to the side of a quail’s beak
2. whales tend to be slightly larger than quails, and often with significantly less feathers
3. quail fat does not make for good soap
4. quails are difficult to harpoon, especially when submerged
5. whales’ nests are very shabby, and almost constantly wet
6. quails can fly
7. whale embryos rarely get served at fancy restaurants
8. Although the two species share only one common letter, “a”, they are more often than not spelt entirely differently (does not apply to those languages where this is not the case, such Gruhurrhbands and possibly Cornish)
9. a whale basks, whereas a quail frequently flaps
10. one is a bird and one is a marine mammal



Flemish quail miners, near the Pommeranian border, 1876.

(note: The person on the far left was an extra in UK medical-based TV drama Holby City. He subsequently drowned himself in a vat of stale elk's piss much to the amusement of his peers, all of whom despised him for his success.)

10 reasons why Victor Kayam (if that is his real name) is such a dickhead

1: Victor Kayam doesn't come when you call him (try it...)
2: He sucks at curling.
3: 9 out of 10 cats would not leave their kids with Victor Kayam.
4: God liked him so much, he killed him.
5: Victor Kayam breeds baby rabbits, shatters their legs with an 8 pound lump hammer, and then races them down a flume lubricated with battery acid.
6: Victor Kayam cannot tie his own shoelaces. I can. Ha.
7: I strongly suspect that Victor Kayam was in no small way responsible for the untimely death of my uncle's pigeon.
8. Victor Kayam once puked on himself. He liked it so much, he bought it.
9: Victor Kayam's recipe for "Jerk Chicken" owes nothing to the culinary tradition of the Caribbean, and more than it should to the centre pages of Razzle and the abuse of poultry.
10: Victor Kayam once took a shit on the Bayeux Tapestry, and then blamed it on a group of mentally retarded children on school trip. He later went back, scraped off some of the shit and ate it.

10 excellent euphemisms for the humble bum-hole...

1. Balloon knot
2. Boris Johnson
3. Turd sprinkler
4. Rusty Sheriff's Badge
5. Chocolate Starfish
6. 0.0001 miles of Belgium
7. Chutney mine
8. Serviceman's entrance
9. Cockney pudding
10. The Inverted Minstrel

10 implausible excuses for having a piece of fruit up one's bottom

Taking the intellectual high ground, as ever...

1. It's a political prisoner.
2. It's not a banana, it's a bendy yellow egg - I'm going to be it's Mummy.
3. Shhh... it's sleeping.
4. It was like that when I got here?
5. I was brutally sodomised by the Man from Del Monte, don't you know.
6. Blah... changing lightbulb... blah ... step ladder... blah... naked... blah... fell... blah... fruit bowl. You make up the rest. I don't care.
7. It must have fallen of the bloody great tree in my pants.
8. It went up there looking for the pineapple.
9. I wondered why that smoothie had a "pooey" aftertaste.
10. My butt-plug is on holiday.

10 reasons to leave your (lovely) job and go back to academia

(The following list has been contributed by the soon to be second most famous computational linguist in the world. A lady of mystery she moves in the murkier realms of South Korean science, sleeping cats and Svenska Dagbladet. Let's call her Syntax Terror (it's a Commodore 64 joke of sorts). We look forward to more contributions in the future (or even in the past, should that ever become possible)). Here's an additional parenthesis for good measure: ")"

1. No sugar daddy or sugar momma will take you on if they know you're employed and thus not available 24/7;
2. “You're calling your wife a wino... on national television!!!” (aka Jeremy Kyle);
3. Unemployment sounds contrary and rebellious;
4. It will also get you more points in Scrabble than employment– guaranteed!;
5. The leaving do > the Christmas party;
6. You finally get round to reading all those Tolstoys on your desk, Guardian abridged-read style;
7. It's the only opportunity to be a guest contributor to Tengasm;
8. In some circles, if you've worked AND studied, you're a polymath!;
9. “yes Gran, I am studying to be a medical doctor”;
10. Normal employment = great for party anecdotes and nostalgic reminiscing. SIGH.

10 things for Steve to do today

1. Find an OS X version of Championship Manager;
2. Develop crude but semi-Quail like dance moves;
3. The same as above, but whilst looking for an OS X version of Championship Manager;
4. Get over the fact that he has been called an albatross;
5. Initiate phase one of moving to a farm and becoming self-sufficient and then flogging shit;
6. Install the Commodore 64 emulator 'Vice' find out how to play Bruce Lee over a network;
7. Wait for the cows to come home;
8. Adapt a neutral but firm stance on issues of the heart;
9. Do a google search for the letter 'F' then make some unrelated pie-charts;
10. Have a nervous breakdown and general panic vis-a-vis laptop purchases.